He’s chimp-ly irresistible! This 15-metre-tail repro-douc-tion of the Hindu monkey god Lord Hanuman sits on primate real estate in front of the Batu Caves, and promises a gorill-a-minute experience – but that’s a gibbon!
You may have ape expectations for this marmoset-piece, and I’m happy to lesusa-nnounce he’s a total babe-oon, from his simian-kles to his capu-chin. He’s also a very urakaring individual. They just don’t macaque them like this anymore.
I can take it no langur! Lord Hanuman is tamarin-credible, and I rhesus-pect you’ll find him just as titi-lating as I did. He’s ex-saki-ly the sort of orangutan-tilising fellow who leaves you begging for le-mur. I don’t bo-know-bo how I ever lived without him.
Lord Hanuman, quite obviously, has the mon-key to my heart. OMG – probosc-is it getting hot in here?
OK, some of these jokes have been howlers, but you should know the mandrill by now!
He might be the Hindu God of War, but Lord Murugan just wants to win the battle for your heart. This tall, dark and handsome gentleman is 42.7 metres from fetching feet to friendly forehead, and can be found in front of the world-renowned Batu Caves.
Murugan is the tallest statue of a Hindu deity in Malaysia, the third-tallest Hindu on Earth, and the biggest version of this particular God ever created. It took three years, 350 tonnes of steel, 1550 cubic metres of concrete, 300 litres of paint and a whole lotta love to have him looking so dapper.
Speaking of dapper, check out that baby-faced Bigs Bardot (complete with tough guy sunnies and Caribbean-inspired afro) standing with the Lord. Watch out, ladies, there’s a confirmed bachelor on the prowl!
Batu wait, there’s more!
Batu Caves are a sight to behold, rising nearly one hundred metres above the sprawling metropolis of Kuala Lumpur. This beautiful limestone grotto is 400 million years old, with 272 colourful steps sequestering visitors into the bowels of the mountain. There, ancient relics beckon, enchanting millions of Hindus each year.
Murugan was introduced to his throngs of admirers in January 2006 during the Thaipusam festival. Without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I was a guest of honour at his grand unveiling. The local Tamil people were intrigued by my unique relationship with Big Things, as well as my well-known religious zealotry, and had asked me to oversee the project. Of course I said, ‘ஆம்’!
There was talk of adding a giant statue of Bigs Bardot to the other side of the stairs – you know, just to even things up – but I’m a humble fellow and said ‘இல்லை’. Let Lord Murugan have his time in the spotlight.
This golden goliath isn’t likely to get lonely, because his best pri-mate, the monkey god Lord Hanuman, is gorill-y close by. Not planning a trip to Kuala Lumpur? If you’re passing by Mauritus, pop in to see the world’s biggest statue of the Hindu god Durga Maa. At 33 metres, she’s not as big as Murugan, but still Maa-ty large.
Honestly, I’m not sure what’s the most outrageous – the size of Lord Murugan, or the fact I allowed myself to be photographed in a beer singlet!
When I heard rumours of a giant bicycle rolling through the verdant hills of Lac d’Annecy, I contacted someone who knows a thing or two about riding around the Alps – former Tour de France champion Cadel Evans. ‘Cuddles’ is a self-confessed Big Thing tragic and became a professional cyclist to finance a trip to the Big Oyster, so he was only too happy to offer me a guided tour of Le Grand Vélo.
However, we had a fairly aggressive altercation regarding the correct meal pairing for a bottle of Vin de Paille, so Cadel took his bike and went home. It’s a long ride back to Katherine, Cuddles!
The joke was on me, though, because his replacement was the improbably-named Jean-Claude Van Ham, a journeyman cyclist whose greatest achievement was crashing into a horse during the second stage of the 1996 Tour.
Despite this complete lack of success during his cycling career, Jean-Claude wouldn’t stop complaining about how he could have won Le Tour if it wasn’t for Neil Armstrong and his steroids. Jean-Claude’s soupe à l’oignon was too cold? Blame it on Neil. Jean-Claude’s mistress wasn’t answering his calls? She must be off with Neil, of course.
There we were, admiring Le Gros Vélo as Mont Blanc reached for the sky above us, and Jean-Claude wouldn’t stop talking about Neil bloomin’ Armstrong. Everything was ‘Neil this’ and ‘Neil that’ and ‘Neil sent me into a deep depression from which there is no escape’. It was really putting a dampener on my day.
I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle, bicycle
“Honestly, Jean-Claude, give it a rest,” I finally snapped. “You live in the most beautiful place on Earth. You’re an extremely handsome man with a robust physique and deep blue eyes that one can’t help drowning within. Your calves are more like full-grown Blonde d’Aquitaine cows. And you have this delightful Big Thing, carved from the finest French timber, to marvel at every day. Are you even aware that it was constructed for the 10th stage of the 2018 Tour de France, which circumnavigated this very lake?
“Sure, you lost a bike race – big deal, it happens. I lost Celebrity Big Brother 2014 to Meshel Laurie and you don’t see me crying about it all the time. I’m Australia’s darling, the inimitable Bigs Bardot, and this busy-body abused the power of social media to pluck victory from my well-manicured hands. Sure, I went on to win Celebrity Splash later that year. But the ratings were modest at best, and the rest of the cast largely forgettable.
“I have my own Neil Armstrong, Jean-Claude, and her name is Meshel Laurie.”
I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle (c’mon), bicycle
“Oui, oui, you are correct,” Jean-Claude replied, turning his head in a futile attempt to hide the tears in his deep blue eyes. “You did deserve to win Celebrity Big Brother 2014. Meshel Laurie’s manipulation of the voting system was both, how you say? Egregious and indicative of the lack of government regulation of reality television voting processes in Australia. I have thrown away my life chasing the ghosts of my past, when I should be here admiring the Big Bicycle. Monsieur Bigs, how can I ever make it up to you?”
“Just pretend to ride the bike with me for a photo, Jean-Claude. It’s the least you can do. And then you can pedal off and get your life together.”
“Ah, la vache! It is fortunate you do not actually want to ride this bicycle,” sniffed Jean-Claude as the camera snapped, “because it wooden start!” “Mon ami,” I said as I embraced Jean-Claude warmly, “that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all day. Let’s go get some reblochon and watch a Gérard Depardieu movie!”
Jean-Claude proved to be the perfect guest, expertly pairing a spirited and honey-kissed 2011 Domaine Pignier Côtes du Jura Vin de Paille with a decadent slice of crème brûlée as we thrilled to the cinematic delights of Cyrano de Bergerac. After a tearful goodbye, Jean-Claude dragged himself atop his bicycle and proceeded to ride it straight into the nearest horse. Old habits die hard, I guess.
He gets knocked down, but he gets up again You’re never gonna keep him down!
The Brasileiros are gutter-ly in love with Big Things, and this striking stud was right up my alley. In fact, I was totally bowled over by this perky pinhead!
The four-metre-tall Tenpin lives outside the delightful Boliche Beer House in Curitibanos, Santa Catarina, where cerveja and sensational service flow freely. To a stirring soundtrack of funk carioca favourites, I enjoyed two games of bowling for a very reasonable price, and found the pão de queijo to be absolutely scrumptious. Yes, I was cheesed by the food!
Curitibanos is a sleepy regional city that’s never going to rival Rio de Janeiro as a tourist destination, but is worth visiting to experience everyday life in southern Brasil. But who am I kidding, the highlight for me was meeting this bright white delight!
It was a frame I couldn’t spend more time with this in-ten-se individual and I was bowling my eyes out when I had to leave. Honestly, though, I’ll spare you the details ???
Alright, alright, I promise I won’t make any more lane jokes, so it’s time for me to split!
