Greetings Size Queens and Big Kings, this is your friend Bigs Bardot, and I’m here to guide you through the extraordinary Land of the Bigs. I’m a bit of shrinking violent (ironic for someone who adores the Big Daffodils) and would never dream of drawing attention away from Australia’s extraordinary roadside attractions, but it would be rude to not introduce myself.
Born into a trailer park on the mean streets of Wyoming, New South Wales, I escaped a youth of poverty and abuse by befriending my long-necked-neighbour Ploddy the Dinosaur. Bonded by our loner reputations, we would lay together beneath the stars, promising to travel the length and breadth of the country visiting the hundreds of breathtaking Bigs. It would get so cold out there sometimes, but we found warmth with each other.
“Bigs,” Ploddy would say gently, as I nestled into her bosom, “you have a heart larger than the Big Mango and will go on to be a great man. One day you shall visit all the Big Things across the country from Mole Creek’s Big Tasmanian Devil to Ayr’s ssssssspectacular Big Snake. It is your destiny to tell their stories, and bring joy and enlightenment to the people of Australia.”
Travel opportunities for Ploddy and I were few and far between, due to my alcoholic stepfather Craig swapping the family car for a case of Resch’s and Ploddy being concreted to the ground. I was, however, able to meet the Big Oyster, Big Knight and Big Pineapple as I bumped around between foster homes.
I also befriended the Big Avocado during a brief, yet life-affirming, stay in a behavioural therapy clinic outside Alstonville – and yes, he had a heart of stone! This bright-green good samaritan was, perhaps, the only thing standing between me and a life of crime and misery. He also tastes great with corn chips!
These adventures inflamed a passion for Big Things within me, and when I came of age I completed a Masters in Big Things and Associated Roadside Attractions at the University of Sydney. My thesis, the snappily-titled Australia’s Beautiful Bigs: The Cultural Significance and Societal Importance of Giant Fruits, Animals, People, Farm Equipment, Sea Creatures and Other Objects in Modern Day Life, Seen Through the Lens of a Handsome and Polite Individual Who Loves Large Roadside Attractions More Than Life Itself, and Who Would Rather Die than Allow the Big Golden Dog to Know One Moment of Sadness, was particularly well received.
“Bigs,” Professor Biggus Thingus wept as he handed me my degree, barely audible over the rapturous applause, “My life’s work has led up to this moment, and I couldn’t be more proud. The student truly has become the master.”
Excelling in my field, I soon became Australia’s foremost expert in Big Things, working closely with state premiers, activist groups and corporate big-wigs to expand our range of Bigs. As a regular fixture at Big Thing unveilings, I found a permanent home in gossip columns and tabloid newspapers, with the public eating up rumours of my dalliances with Matilda the Kangaroo, Nala the Whale and Ned Kelly. A persistent rumour regarding the Big Penguin and myself left me wondering, ‘Waddle my fans think about this?’ I must admit I started to get a big head, but that’s to be expected and was somewhat appropriate.
My growing reputation took me around the world to oversee the construction of dozens of Big Things from Costa Rica to Côte d’Ivoire, and I even spent a memorable two years as a guest of the legendary Universidade de Grandes Coisas in Brazil. I based myself in Florianópolis, home to the immense Tartaruga Grande, a totem the locals worship with more fervor than Pele, Brahma cerveja and dancing on the beach combined.
My time in South America built me into the boy I am today, but when my homesickness for the Big Potato and Big Strawberry became all-consuming, I cast my eyes homewards. I’d also run afoul of a local crime lord due to our differing opinions regarding the dividing line between Big Things and statues. Some people can get so stabby when they’re wrong!
The Land of the Bigs inevitably came calling, and when several high-ranking members of the Federal Government begged me to return to Australia to become the official consultant on Big Things and Roadside Attractions, I found it impossible to refuse. The first thing I did was propose and Act that anyone erroneously claiming the Big Banana to be the oldest of the Bigs be jailed for an indefinite period; the second was to start this website.
“Bigs,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison grinned as he clasped me around the shoulder, “I think Australia is going to be alright, now that you’re on the team. You truly are the greatest friend these gentle giants of the highways have ever known and an inspiration to the people of this wide, brown land.”
So next time you have a claws encounter with the Big Crab or and un-beak-lievable experience with Pete the Pelican, think of your old friend, Bigs Bardot. But as I said, I’m a shrinking violent and shun the limelight, so please cast your attention upon our beautiful Bigs.
Oh, and here’s some more information about me, the inimitable Bigs Bardot!
BIG FACTS ABOUT BIGS BARDOT
AGE: As young and vibrant as the Big Cane Toad
HEIGHT: 0.113 Big Merinos
MARITAL STATUS: I leave a piece of my heart with every Big I visit, so there is no room for human relationships
FAVOURITE BANDS: They Might Be Giants, The Notorious B.I.G., Massive Attack, The Tall Boys, The Big Bopper, Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs
FAVOURITE MOVIE: Big (mainly for the Big Keyboard)
FAVOURITE ACTOR: Tom Sizemore
LEAST-FAVOURITE ACTOR: Martin Short
FAVOURITE FICTIONAL FIRST WORLD WAR PILOT: Biggles
FAVOURITE WORLDWIDE HIGH-IQ SOCIETY: Immense-a
RELIGION: Big Prawn-Again Christian
LIKES: Big Things (duh!); the cute, macho gloves worn by the Big Boxing Crocodile; being invited onto television programs such as 60 Minutes and A Current Affair to share my love and admiration for Big Things (what, you're expecting a pun? No, of course the most popular news programs in Australia come to me for expert analysis on anything Bigs-related. I've also appeared on The 7.30 Really-Big-Port); musical genius Peter Allen
DISLIKES: Big Things that require an admission fee to view; two-dimensional signs that are passed off as Bigs when they clearly aren't; fruit shops that have 'Big' in the name despite having no Big Thing on display; pop-punk anthem All The Small Things; dimwits who climb atop Bigs without having first forging a years-long relationship based on love and respect; comedian Peter Hellier