Category: Sydney

  • The Big Diver, Darling Harbour, NSW

    Diver, Australian National Maritime Museum, Darling Harbour, New South Wales, Australia

    Depression, much like a hideous squid from the darkest depths of the deepest ocean, wraps its slimy tendrils around us all at some point or another. Tragically, Big Things, despite their beauty and fame and cultural importance, are no more likely than the rest of us to escape its wrath.

    Never is this more evident than with Diver, who stands forlornly out the front of the Australian National Maritime Museum.

    On the surface, he has it all. Designed by the incomparable Tim Kyle and installed in November 2021, Diver’s the tall, dark and handsome dude all the girls want and all the guys want to be. At five metres from weighted boots to bulbous helmet, he has a splendid view over the Sydney skyline.

    Chinese tourists line up for hours for a selfie with Diver, before kissing his plinth for luck. Children stop in their tracks to gawp, overwhelmed by his grandeur. Despite this, Diver remains cloaked in loneliness, his intricately-detailed tunic separating him from the harsh realities of the outside world.

    To stand with Diver for a moment, to hold his cold metal hand and listen to the mournful melody of water lapping at his enormous feet, is to understand the folly of mankind. This, my fellow Biggies, is desolation made flesh.

    And it was all by design.

    The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

    Installed to mark the United Nations Decade of Ocean Science for Sustainable Development (which runs from 2021–2030, and really could do with a snappier title), Diver compares and contrasts the plight of modern man to the solitude of the endless brine. Whilst a regular-sized diver may explore the bottom of the ocean, Diver helps us explore the very essence of humanity.

    “The piece presents as a metaphor for anonymity and introspection,” Mr Kyle explained to a wet-behind-the-ears scribe. “The sculpted suit acts as a symbolic armour, serving to reinforce his isolation. The scale elevates the figure’s melancholic presence, while retaining the formal elements of traditional sculptural language.”

    Tim, sweet Tim. It’s as if you took all my insecurities and wrapped them in the veil of an anatomically-correct roadside attraction.

    And thus, we may never know the real Diver. Like a deep-sea explorer trapped at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, helplessly watching his oxygen run out as the world trundles on miles above him, this Big is an enigma wrapped inside a mystery ensconced inside a three-bolt copper diving bonnet.

    Coda

    Forever changed (refined?) by the cold indifference Diver showed towards us, Gideon the Guacamole and I wandered through the brisk Sydney night. We gorged ourselves on cookies and cream gelato and boba tea encrusted with cheese foam, whilst avoiding the elephant in the room; the poignant despondency we had born witness to.

    “Golly gosh, Mr Bardot,” Gideon finally said, as he wiped foam from his quivering lip. “I sure am glad we have each other.”
    “And Bigella,” I replied. Gideon looked so happy I thought he might burst.
    “And Gordon and Gordina.”
    “And Lee Kernaghan.”
    We grinned at each other, pleased to have a loved one to share this moment with.

    Without special someone to take along for the ride, we’re destined to drift aimlessly through the pitch-black ocean of life. It’s the people we meet along the way that make this journey through the Land of the Bigs so special.

    If you or someone you know are going through difficult times, please contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, or visit them at beyondblue.org.au.

  • The Big Bread Clip, Dulwich Hill, NSW

    The Big Bread Clip, Dulwich Hill, New South Wales, Australia

    Yes, that’s a giant plastic thingy used to keep bags of bread closed, made from thousands of little plastic thingies used to keep bags of bread closed. And they say Australia lacks culture!

    Officially known as Monolith, The Big Bread Clip was unveiled to a bewildered public in November 2018, bringing a touch of glamour to Sydney’s inner west. Unique. Elegant. Colourful. This crust-see attraction is a delightful, playful tribute to one of the most underappreciated packaging devices on the planet.

    Gary Deirmendjian designed The Bread Clip, with the help of students from Dulwich High School. Overseeing the project was teacher and self-confessed Big Thing tragic Shane Forrest. Understandably, Shane’s since become the toast of the town.

    Without wanting to blow my own crumpet, this is the culmination of my selfless campaign to have Big Things added to the New South Wales bread-ducational curriculum. I’ve worked tirelessly with the state government to ensure every student has the opportunity to build a Big. After all, the next generation needs to learn the three R’s – reading, ‘riting and roadside attractions.

    Move over, mathematics, you’ve become stale!

    Girls Just Wanna Have Bun

    Boasting a level of detail rarely seen on a Big, this is a glorious example of postmodern artistry. By re-using oodles of bread clips, it also serves as timely reminder to recycle. Oh, and you can even poke your head through the centre for a bappy snap!

    You can find the dough-licious Big Bread Clip within the sprawling Johnson Park, sandwiched between a basketball court and a playground. It’s the perfect place to walk your dog or sit down to eat a roast chook roll, but it’s easy to get lost – so don’t baguette to bring a map.

    Invite your chums along to break bread, and you’ll really be the loaf of the party!

    This wholemeal – oops, I mean wholesome! – Big has become in-grained in the community. He joins The Big Cauliflower and Discobolus as Sydney’s most prominent tourist attractions.

    The Big Bread clip is like muffin you’ve ever seen. Last but not yeast, you knead to know is that it’s worth taking a clip out to see him!

  • The Big Beaver, Wilberforce, NSW

    The Big Beaver, Wilberforce, New South Wales

    Every chap in Western Sydney has seen this Big Beaver! She’s hairy, wet and open for inspection every day of the week. Best of all, you won’t have to waste money on flowers and a KFC meal before you’re allowed to see this Beaver.

    Sure, the Big Beaver has seen better days and been around the block a few times, but that just gives her character. And most fellows can’t resist a Big Beaver no matter how battered she looks. Any mole’s a goal, as they say.

    It’s not only the menfolk who like to gently caress The Big Beaver, either. Women are also welcome to grope this Beaver. There’s even rumours that Hollywood actress Beaverly D’Angelo popped in for a visit a few years back.

    Sadly, it’s common for cretins to make putrid jokes at the Beaver’s expense but, as you can see, I don’t find anything fanny about such behaviour. Thankfully Raelene, Beaver’s ever-beguiling owner, had some sensible, mature comments to make when I visited her.

    “Everyone’s loves my Big Beaver,” Rae chuckled when I arrived, giving me a cheeky wink.

    “Oh Rae, why did you have to lower the tone?” I lamented, whilst writing down her joke to shamelessly steal later.

    Leave it to Beaver

    The Big Beaver can be found in all her buck-toothed glory out the front of Wilberforce’s otter-ly charming Butterfly Farm (which, delightfully, also features some moths). It’s a peaceful, leafy place for a Big, with plenty of picnic tables overlooking the Hawkesbury River. There are even campsites for those who, unlike myself, don’t require five star accommodation with an all-inclusive buffet breakfast.

    The Beaver was created a few decades ago to star in a maple syrup commercial. She was made from a styrofoam mould, and was due to be disposed of once the cameras stopped rolling. That’s when Rae stepped in. She snapped up the Beaver, slapped on some weather-resistant paint, and placed her proudly on display. The result was sweeter than the syrup that bore her.

    Tragically, the Beaver’s makeshift construction has meant that she’s aged poorly and is currently falling apart. When I visited she was missing an ear and, outrageously, one of her gorgeous footsies had fallen off.

    The Big Beaver has a gaping hole, which is often occupied by one or more peckers. Honestly guys, quit it – I just mean that Rae’s Big Beaver sports a cavity in the side of her head that’s become home to a family of kookaburras. If you find anything rude about that, you might want to seek the assistance of a psychiatrist.

    Busy as a Beaver

    Disaster struck Wilberforce in early 2021, when the river to breached its banks and flooded the area. Homes were destroyed, hearts were broken. The happy little lives that the locals had cherished were washed away in a rain-soaked instant. But the worst was yet to come.

    The Big Beaver, a beacon of hope in these most tumultuous of times, was to be the storm’s greatest victim. The Butterfly Farm was swallowed by the gurgling brine. The Beaver, laden with styrofoam, was torn from her base and carried away by the raging waters.

    It was feared this Western Sydney icon would be lost forever. Sure, beavers are usually right at home in the water, but most of them aren’t three metres tall and just as cute as a button.

    And then a miracle happened.

    “We tried our hardest to save the Beaver, but the water was too rough for us,” Rae fretted. “But then the townsfolk came together to rescue her. We put her in a safe position until the water subsided. Most of our facilities were wiped out, but at least we saved the Beaver.”

    Yes, with the assistance of several sweaty gentlemen, and with silent prayers of, “Oh God! Oh God!” the moist adventures of the Big Beaver came to a gushing and mutually-satisfying climax. I’m just glad that the boys were able to pull off the impossible so this story received a happy ending – and all without a single double entendre!

    “What can I say,” Raelene smirked. “Everyone loved getting their hands on my wet Beaver!”

    Oh, Rae!

  • YININMADYEMI, Sydney, NSW

    YININMADYEMI - Thou Didst Let Fall (The Big Bullets), Sydney, New South Wales, Australia

    Drawing a blank on what to do this weekend? Are you locked and loaded for a Big that’ll make you go ballistic? Then it’s time to pull the trigger and shoot off to Sydney’s sprawling Hyde Park, where you’ll find seven big bullets of supreme size.

    And you thought you’d have to venture into Sydney’s southwest to find a bunch of spent cartridges strewn around a local park!

    Snappily titled YININMADYEMI: Thou didst let fall, this revolver-lutionary sculpture was created by Tony Albert, an indigenous artist who has many tricks in his arsenal. It celebrates the selfless contribution of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander service men and women, and can be found a few hundred metres from the famous Anzac Memorial. The whole precinct really is a barrel of fun!

    But that’s not all there is to this story – not by a long shot! Tony was inspired by the experiences of his grandfather Eddie, a war hero who escaped a brutal German concentration camp. Now, let us rifle through this incredible tale.

    The Magnificent Seven

    “Using his agility and speed, Eddie escaped the prison grounds and crossed Germany’s southern border into Italy,” Tony elucidated. “In Biella, a town in the northwest of Italy that lies at the foothills of the Alps, he and six other escaped Australian soldiers took refuge in a remote farmhouse on the outskirts of the town. Early one morning in late April, Italian soldiers found Eddie and the other escapees hiding in the farmhouse.

    “Captured again he found himself in the worst situation to date – the men were ordered to line up side by side to be shot one by one. After the execution of the three men before him there was a halt in gunfire.

    “An Italian Officer-in-Charge ordered his men not to shoot. He identified the men as Allied soldiers and that they must be returned to Germany. Miraculously, Edward Albert and three of his companions survived the ordeal.”

    A harrowing experience, to be sure, that has been vibrantly brought to life in The Big Bullets.

    The battle, however, had only just began for Eddie. The tribulations he faced when he finally returned home provided ample ammunition for his grandson when he was planning this icon. I guess I should bite the bullet and tell you that dark part of this story.

    War, huh, yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing… unless you’re a fan of the Bigs!

    Even after giving the Nazis a good ol’ walloping, racism continued to ricochet throughout Australia. Alright, you may have already read about this in a magazine, but please, don’t shoot the messenger.

    “When service men and women returned to Australia, they were given land for their service,” Tony explained. “However, not only was Eddie and his fellow Aboriginal soldiers not given any land, their land was still being taken away.

    “Eddie and fellow Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander men and women defended our country, they were prepared to fall but upon returning, they were left to fall again – ‘yininmadyemi,’ thou didst let fall. I envisage this memorial in Hyde Park to be a special and powerful place for contemplation and remembrance, a space for all our stories to be heard and recognised.”

    Emotionally confronting, thought-provoking and perched upon the precipice of a great cultural awakening, The Big Bullets are also super fun to take photos with. For this shoot I chose a modish army jacket that an acquaintance left at my house after a big night at a local dance club. I was also fortunate enough to have Grant, a luminary of the local homeless population, camped nearby to provide feedback on my poses and life choices.

    So inspired by YININMADYEMI was I that, in a military lapse of reason, I marched straight over to the nearest Army boutique to enlist. Oh well, hopefully there are plenty of Big Things for me to visit in Mogadishu!

  • The Giant Sofa, Sydenham, NSW

    The Giant Sofa, Sydenham, New South Wales, Australia

    Yawn! Whatever, guys, I’m burnt out with travelling the globe in an endless quest for Big Things, and can’t even be bothered to get off the lounge. I’m just going to lay here eating popcorn chicken and binge-watching TikTok videos of people eating popcorn chicken.

    The sofa I’ve chosen to take refuge upon is, of course, a giant one, and can be found betwixt the verdant lawns of Sydenham Green. Forget a three-seater Chesterfield, this primrose put-you-up could hold dozens of lounge lizards at once.

    Thankfully I had the entire settee to myself, so was able to stretch out upon its luxurious cushions without the threat of actual human interaction. There’s even a powerpoint welded to the side of the Giant Sofa, so was saved the cloying fear of a dwindling smartphone battery.

    I did reach between the cushions, but unfortunately was unable to find any Big Coins. Maybe they fell down the back of the Googong Giant Chair. If I wasn’t so lazy I’d head down to Canberra to see them, but they’re just sofa away. Whatever!

    The Giant Sofa was designed by a gaggle of local artistes, with its intricate tile mosaic glued into place by the artistic students of Tempe High School. It serves as a memorial to the countless houses bulldozed to make way for the Sydney Airport runway extensions.

    So a few thousand innocent people lost their family homes and were tossed out onto the cold, windswept streets of inner-Sydney, begging for loose change and plummeting further into a nightmare of addiction and depression? Honestly, guys, that’s a small price to pay for such a delightful Big!

  • Almost Once, Sydney, NSW

    Almost Once (The Big Matchsticks), Sydney, New South Wales

    ¡Ay Caramba! Hola, is me, El Grande Gonzales, greatest luchador in all México. As a red-blooded Latino it is in mi carazón to fight, so when I was invited to a big match in Sydney, I fly there straight away. Boy, are my arms tired! Sí, Gonzales also greatest comedian in all México!

    But when I arrive do I find my greatest rival, Juan Carlos Sanchez, the man who once kidnap mi familia and make fun of mi perro? No, señor, it seems I have been forced to chase the wild goose!

    I feel like the buttocks of donkey to discover that the ‘big match’ is just that – a mucho grande matchstick that stands as tall as 47 fried iguanas, or eight metres to you gabachos. To add incest to inquiry, there is another match next to it, and this one is all burnt like mi tío Pedro after he fall asleep cooking tacos. Pedro has never been the same!

    This really boils my beans! Demanding answers, I choke passing gringo until he tell me that this monumento is called Almost Once, and was created by Brett Whitely and his tag team partner Matthew Dillon, and put into place in 1991. If I am to meet this señor Whitely, I will break him open like the piñata!

    Perfect Match(sticks)

    Once mi Latino blood has cooled, amigo, I develop mucho amor for what you Aussies call ‘Big Things’. Mi burning desire to cripple opponents was replaced by a burning desire to learn more about The Big Matchsticks. I discover that Almost Once is made from Blackbutt timber found in the exotic paradise of Grafton, and burnt to a depth of uno inch to achieve its unique look.

    Maybe Pedro should have asked these dudes to burn him. Then maybe el niños wouldn’t burst into tears when they see him in street!

    In fact, The matchsticks look so realistic that hopefully it will stop Sydney’s degenerates from forever asking me for a light. Just use the massive matchsticks, you bobos!

    It (matchs)ticks all the boxes!

    Almost Once was restored in 2017 – wood, paint, the whole enchilada – much as mi knee was restored after falling from cantina roof in 1987 after too much tequila. My retirement has been long overdue, as I can hardly do a top-top Huracánrana these days, so now El Grande Gonzales starts his new career as top reporter for México’s most favourite website – Land of the Bigs!

    Sí, it will cause some light rioting when I next enter the Arena México and lecture the crowd for hours about Ploddy the Dinosaur and Lefty the Pink Buffalo rather than bashing in the brains of the baddies, but tough tortillas!

    No longer seeking to travel the globe delivering beatings, I now swagger around spreading the gospel of Big Things to anyone I meet. Except if I find Juan Carlos Fernandez, ese. You just don’t make fun of a hombre’s perro and get away with it!

  • The Big Bicycle, Chullora, NSW

    The Big Bicycle, Chullora, New South WalesSexy cyclist man with smile and handsome outfit

    This supersized scooter celebrates his 25th birthday in 2022, so it really let the air out of my tyres to find him discarded amongst a thicket of overgrown bushes in a rough part of Chullora.

    Although, given his location in Western Sydney, the only things more appropriate than a Big Abandoned Pushbike would be a Big Meth Pipe or a Big Single Mother.

    Ah, stereotypes, aren’t they fun!

    There are still signs of the Big Bicycle’s former glory, with his quirky hexagonal wheels barely visible from street level. Sadly, I couldn’t get near him for a reassuring cuddle, for fear of being wounded by a venomous snake or stepping on a carelessly-disposed syringe.

    Maybe I’m being velodromatic, but in all bike-lihood this Big won’t be around much longer, and that’s a wheelie big chain… I mean shame. Be puncture-al if you want to see the Bike before it’s too late!

    You can’t handlebar the truth!

    The Big Bike was assembled by Messrs John Ridley, Phillip Becker, and Andy Lugiz in 1997. At nine metres long and six metres tall, he’s far too large for a mere mortal to ride, but just right for the Big Gold Panner!

    He lived outside the Chullora Re-Cycling Centre until it rode off into the sunset a few gears ago, leading to this calamity. I attempted to contact a spokes-person about the Bike’s future, but even my super-cute cycling tunic and matching headgear couldn’t help me find answers.

    I did get some eager wolf-whistles from a group of high-spirited tradies, however. Although perhaps they were simply voicing their support for the Big Bicycle’s refurbishment in an unusual way.

    If you prefer petals to pedal, try the Big Flower! Or for a more cosmopolitan experience, roll on over to France to visit Le Gros Vélo. Cycling through Sacramento? A Life’s Ride is waiting!

    Flirting with bike-sexuality? Then Wo-Man might be just the Big for you!

    What’s happened to the Big Bicycle is a national tragedy, but serves as a further reminder that life is fleeting and needs to be savoured. The Bike is still there – for now – so don the lycra and set off on Le Tour de Chullora. You’re sure to have a peloton of fun!

  • Discobolus, Sydney Olympic Park, NSW

    Discobolus, Sydney Olympic Park, New South Wales

    We need to discuss the true star of the 2000 Sydney Olympics… or should that be discus? The stunning, circular Discobolus lies within the shadows of the Olym-big stadium, and serves to link the Aussie sporting extravaganza with the ancient Greek games.

    Well, it’s certainly a more family-friendly option than a bunch of naked gentlemen wrestling each other.

    Crafted by Australian artist Robert Owen, Discobolus represents an ancient Greek discus that’s been tossed into the outback, before transitioning into a CD-ROM. Back when Discobolus was unveiled, that was the ultimate symbol of modern life. These days he’d probably be shaped like a set of AirPods.

    This is a seriously impressive work of art, with details that can only be appreciated when the light hits the disc at just the right angle. The names of dozens of people who helped make Discobolus a reality – including yours truly – adorn his adorable abdomen.

    Here’s to those who believed building a statue of a giant circle was more than just a pi in the sky idea!

    Welcome to Discworld

    My first encounter with this not-so-compact disc came when I was little more than an infant, ‘neath a blood-red sky just moments before the Opening Ceremony of the Sydney Games. As Nikki Webster’s understudy, I had just received the devastating news that she hadn’t been struck down by food poisoning, and my dreams of taking her place as the young Kylie Minogue had been dashed.

    I was crushed, but through the tears I spotted what appeared to be a silver spaceship. He certainly was out of this world and, in my darkest moment, it was the dashing disc that guided me through the minefield of my prepubescent emotions. Standing beneath him 21 years later, the bond we forged was stronger than ever.

    Whilst reflecting upon that turbulent period, I noticed a waifish lass also admiring Discobolus. With blonde hair cascading past her shoulders, the girl was beautiful yet consumed by regret. I recognised her immediately. My eyes met Nikki Webster’s, and we drew together beneath the monstrous discus.

    “You know what, Bigs?” Nikki Webster whispered. “Neither of us should have played the part of Young Kylie Minogue. It should’ve been Discobolus.”

    I nodded knowingly, ending our decades-long rivalry. The moment was bittersweet. A few minutes of shy awkwardness followed, before Nikki Webster cut through the silence.

    “You want to sing Strawberry Kisses with me, right?”

    “Nikki Webster,” I blubbered, taking her dainty hand in mine, “I thought you’d never ask!”