If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as heck don’t deserve me at my BIGGEST! Marilyn Monroe may have sashayed off this mortal coil six decades ago, but her spirit lives on in downtown Palm Springs, California. There you’ll find Forever Marilyn, a 26ft tribute that perfectly captures the sensuality of the bosomy Hollywood starlet.
The statue’s voluptuous curves and golden tresses evoke memories of the golden age of cinema. Framed by the breathtaking San Jacinto Mountains, Marilyn bakes in the desert sun. But that’s alright, because Some Like It Hot.
The blonde bombshell was crafted by maverick artist Seward Johnson, from painted steel and aluminum. Inspired by Marilyn’s unforgettable scene from the 1955 classic The Seven-Year Itch, where her white dress billows around her, the statue was first installed in Chicago in 2011.
So yes, Forever Marilyn’s getting on a bit, but You’re Only as Young as You Feel.
Just as the real Marilyn fell victim to the whims of randy tough guys, Forever Marilyn was often assaulted by vandals. On one occasion, red paint was splashed all over her porcelain skin, to protest against climate change or video store late fees for something like that.
Come on, guys, Let’s Make Love, not war!
There’s No Bigness Like Show Bigness
Much like Marilyn herself, who never stayed in one place very long and had a string of short-lived relationships, her sculpture has been around the traps. She first arrived in Palm Springs in 2012, before relocating to Hamilton, New Jersey in 2014.
Makes sense – Marilyn filmed The Delaware River of No Return there. Tee-hee!
Marilyn was packed up in 2016 and shipped across the globe to the ultra-chic city of Bendigo, Australia. Known as ‘Tinseltown of the Goldfields’, Marilyn fit right in with the local bohemians, who affectionately called her ‘Maz’.
Sadly, having both a massive Marilyn Monroe and The Golden Dragon Lotus proved to be more than the good people of Bendigo could handle, and nobody got any work done. They’d just sit around, looking up Maz’s skirt to see her Love Nest. So Maz was plonked on the next cargo ship back to the States.
After a spell in Stamford, Connecticut, Forever Marilyn spent a few Dangerous Years in storage. It looked like the credits had rolled on her glittering career. Nature abhors a vacuum, and thus a crass Chinese knock-off appeared next to a Bus Stop in the slums of Guigang. Tall and blonde with a sense of fun and adventure – Marilyn must’ve fit right in with the Chinese peasantry.
Then Bobby ‘The Moonman’ Moon stepped in. The longtime mayor of Palm Springs with the movie star good looks brought Marilyn back to the resort city. This time, Forever.
And that, thankfully, was the end of all that Monkey Business.
Something’s Got to Bigs
And so I found myself standing, mouth agape, between the shapely pins of a much taller woman. Unfortunately, Bigella became quite jealous of the attention I was lavishing upon Marilyn. Oh well, that just goes to prove that Gentlemen Prefer Blondes!
“Settle down, Bigella,” I snapped. “Me and Marilyn are just friends. We’re Not Married!”
Bigella, never a fan of classic cinema, didn’t appreciate the joke. She’s probably never even seen Marilyn’s 1952 romantic comedy of the same name.
“Most of Marilyn’s films are so dated that puns based off their titles make little sense to the wider populace,” Bigella snapped. “Just look at that reference to Monkey Business a few paragraphs back. Nobody will get the joke. It detracts from what should be an interesting story.”
“Please don’t underestimate the cultural significance of Edmund…”
“You have this beautiful website that should have widespread appeal, but instead you fill the entries with obscure jokes and bizarre fantasy sequences that have little relevance to the subject matter.”
Bigella’s cruel words cut through me like a knife, and I sat down beneath Forever Marilyn to have a good, hard think about the direction Land of the Bigs was heading in. Maybe it is too weird, I pondered. Maybe the entries do stray off topic, into outlandish scenarios that amuse nobody by myself. As I looked up into Marilyn’s eyes, I decided to begin a new, more sensible, chapter of my life.
Tee-hee, just kidding! Forever Marilyn inspired me to trot off to the nearest Dollar Tree to purchase a platinum blonde wig and a blouse that left little to the imagination. Taking Marilyn’s lead I tumbled into and out of a number of marriages and high-profile relationships with luminaries from the entertainment, sporting and political realms, before plunging to the depths of drug and alcohol addiction as my career spiralled out of control.
Sometime later, bleary-eyed and with my skirt riding up my backside, I stumbled onto a floodlit stage, pushing an oversized cake and wailing “Happy birthday, Mr President” to a confused elderly man who, I’m hesitant to say, appeared to have befouled his pants.
Poor ol’ Joe just stood there, smiling vacantly as the world rolled on past him, before making a feeble attempt to grope me. My life had, I realised, reached its nadir.
Fortunately I became obsessed with another oversized roadside attraction before I could succumb to a barbiturate overdose.
Forever, Bigs.
