When I heard rumours of a giant bicycle rolling through the verdant hills of Lac d’Annecy, I contacted someone who knows a thing or two about riding around the Alps – former Tour de France champion Cadel Evans. ‘Cuddles’ is a self-confessed Big Thing tragic and became a professional cyclist to finance a trip to the Big Oyster, so he was only too happy to offer me a guided tour of Le Grand Vélo.
However, we had a fairly aggressive altercation regarding the correct meal pairing for a bottle of Vin de Paille, so Cadel took his bike and went home. It’s a long ride back to Katherine, Cuddles!
The joke was on me, though, because his replacement was the improbably-named Jean-Claude Van Ham, a journeyman cyclist whose greatest achievement was crashing into a horse during the second stage of the 1996 Tour.
Despite this complete lack of success during his cycling career, Jean-Claude wouldn’t stop complaining about how he could have won Le Tour if it wasn’t for Neil Armstrong and his steroids. Jean-Claude’s soupe à l’oignon was too cold? Blame it on Neil. Jean-Claude’s mistress wasn’t answering his calls? She must be off with Neil, of course.
There we were, admiring Le Gros Vélo as Mont Blanc reached for the sky above us, and Jean-Claude wouldn’t stop talking about Neil bloomin’ Armstrong. Everything was ‘Neil this’ and ‘Neil that’ and ‘Neil sent me into a deep depression from which there is no escape’. It was really putting a dampener on my day.
I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle, bicycle
“Honestly, Jean-Claude, give it a rest,” I finally snapped. “You live in the most beautiful place on Earth. You’re an extremely handsome man with a robust physique and deep blue eyes that one can’t help drowning within. Your calves are more like full-grown Blonde d’Aquitaine cows. And you have this delightful Big Thing, carved from the finest French timber, to marvel at every day. Are you even aware that it was constructed for the 10th stage of the 2018 Tour de France, which circumnavigated this very lake?
“Sure, you lost a bike race – big deal, it happens. I lost Celebrity Big Brother 2014 to Meshel Laurie and you don’t see me crying about it all the time. I’m Australia’s darling, the inimitable Bigs Bardot, and this busy-body abused the power of social media to pluck victory from my well-manicured hands. Sure, I went on to win Celebrity Splash later that year. But the ratings were modest at best, and the rest of the cast largely forgettable.
“I have my own Neil Armstrong, Jean-Claude, and her name is Meshel Laurie.”
I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle (c’mon), bicycle
“Oui, oui, you are correct,” Jean-Claude replied, turning his head in a futile attempt to hide the tears in his deep blue eyes. “You did deserve to win Celebrity Big Brother 2014. Meshel Laurie’s manipulation of the voting system was both, how you say? Egregious and indicative of the lack of government regulation of reality television voting processes in Australia. I have thrown away my life chasing the ghosts of my past, when I should be here admiring the Big Bicycle. Monsieur Bigs, how can I ever make it up to you?”
“Just pretend to ride the bike with me for a photo, Jean-Claude. It’s the least you can do. And then you can pedal off and get your life together.”
“Ah, la vache! It is fortunate you do not actually want to ride this bicycle,” sniffed Jean-Claude as the camera snapped, “because it wooden start!”
“Mon ami,” I said as I embraced Jean-Claude warmly, “that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all day. Let’s go get some reblochon and watch a Gérard Depardieu movie!”
Jean-Claude proved to be the perfect guest, expertly pairing a spirited and honey-kissed 2011 Domaine Pignier Côtes du Jura Vin de Paille with a decadent slice of crème brûlée as we thrilled to the cinematic delights of Cyrano de Bergerac. After a tearful goodbye, Jean-Claude dragged himself atop his bicycle and proceeded to ride it straight into the nearest horse. Old habits die hard, I guess.