Tag: California

  • Yard Dog, Indio, California

    Yard Dog, Indio, California

    Doggone it, look at the size of that dishlicker! Yard Dog is 20 feet long, made from corrugated sheet metal, and can be found in Indio’s tranquil Hjorth Bark… oops, I mean Park!

    Whilst a bit ruff around the edges, Yard Dog is a fascinating example of recycled street art, but the best thing is the name of the artist who built him.

    Ready for it?

    Don Kennell. Don Kennell! Which almost sounds like dog kennel – teehee!

    Dog… sorry, Don… modelled Yard Dog after his own pet pooch. Completed in 2011, the whopping woofer first lived in the Santa Fe Railyard Park in New Mexico. But this big dog was set for even bigger things.

    He was adopted by the owners of the Coachella Music Festival, as the headline act for the 2014 event. I was unable to attend, of course, due to my falling out with André 3000 from pop group OutKast, and subsequent restraining order.

    But enough about me and my celebrity feuds. I’ll fetch you more facts about the big ol’ bow-wow!

    After the festival, Yard Dog found his forever home in Indio, Collie-fornia in late-2014. Just down the road Coachella but a million miles away from the glitz and glamour of rock stars and travel influencers, Hjorth Park offers the chance to paws and reflect upon life.

    Sit back, munch on a bag of kibble, and admire Yard Dog.

    A Yard Act to Follow

    Whilst I certainly have the pedrigree to tell you about Yard Dog, I’ll hand it over to Mr Kennel for a few words on his bark-sterpiece.

    “The piece is based on a very famous sculpture called the Capitoline Wolf, which is this renaissance bronze that depicts Romulus and Remus under the belly of a she-wolf,” Don howled. “It’s a very strange piece and I wanted to do a contemporary take on it. My idea was to put a porch swing under the belly of the dog and then recreate that scene.”

    The swing’s since been removed – which is probably for the best, as nobody wants a bunch of swingers hanging out in the park after dark – but the dog’s still perfect for a yappy snap.

    “The idea was that we trace our civic heritage back to Rome, but in a sense we’re also always creating our society,” Don growled.

    “I wanted to put contemporary people in the position of being these founders, like we all get a chance to refound society. So that’s the highbrow take on the piece, which most people don’t recognise – they’re just like, ‘Wow it’s a cool swing under a dog, how awesome is that!’”

    Golly gosh, I suppose every dog has its day!

    You ain’t nothin’ but a Yard Dog

    With his pensive glare and heavy metal swagger, Yard Dog serves as the perfect guard dog to watch over this sleepy desert town. But if you can’t get down to Indio, Yard Dog has a twin – Barn Dog – who lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I guess there’s no runts in that litter!

    A man of peerless work ethic, Don Kennell has built many Bigs over the years, and I double dog dare you to visit them all. There’s Longview, a 35-foot polar bear made from car hoods, who can also be found in downtown Santa Fe.

    Over the road is Zozobra, an utterly bonkers 18-foot-tall metal ghoul. And the fierce, fabulous Invincible Tiger lives all the way over in Camden, New Jersey.

    Yes, in the dog-eat-dog world of oversized roadside architecture, Mr Kennell stands out from the pack!

    Don also has a really big pecker. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter – I mean The Big Roadrunner, who lives just down the road from Yard Dog, in quixotic La Quinta.

    As his name suggests, Mr Kennell has an obsession with massive mutts ‘n’ mongrels, such as Playbow in Greeley, Colorado, and Green Coyote at Meow Wolf’s House of Eternal Return in New Mexico.

    Geez, he must be dog tired after building all those!

    “These sculptures invite the viewer into a fanciful world,” Kennell snarled wistfully. “The viewer becomes a participant, and can construct a narrative or even construe a relationship with the animal in the sculpture.”

    You heard the man – go out and start an intimate relationship with a big critter near you, ASAP. You’d be barking mad not to!

  • The World’s Largest Fire Helmet, Barstow, California

    The World's Largest Fire Helmet, Barstow, California

    Got a burning desire to see all the oversized roadside attractions between Los Angeles to Las Vegas? Then turn off Interstate 15 into the charming hamlet of Barstow, California, where you’ll find The World’s Largest Fire Helmet. Located out front of the local fire station, it’s the town’s main claim to flame.

    The huge hat serves as a tribute to the 343 brave firemen who lost their lives in the September 11 terrorist attacks. But this Big Thing wasn’t always a memorial.

    The Fire Helmet first arrived in Barstow way back in the swingin’ sixties, and stood atop a gas station hotdog stand. Come for the huge helmet, stay for the foot-long wiener with caramelised onions!

    Originally bright red, it was one of dozens of oversized hard hats installed at Texaco gas stations. Bizarrely, they sported a firefighting theme at the time, and even handed out replica fire chief helmets to kiddies.

    Just what you want – a bunch of lunatics racing around dressed as firefighters while you’re filling up your Chevrolet Impala!

    After firing up sales for several decades, the statue was placed into storage in the ’80s. As far as anyone rem-embers, it’s the only Texaco helmet still around. So, by default, it’s now the biggest fire hat on the planet.

    Not surprisingly, a few of the locals are getting a big head about that!

    Hell-met’s Kitchen

    In 1994, local fireman Nick DiNapoli opened DiNapoli’s Firehouse Italian Eatery, which became as famous for its collection of firefighting memorabilia as its clam linguini. Needless to say, the restaurant set the culinary world alight.

    Wanting to draw in more diners, Nick bought the Big Helmet and plonked it out the front. The Firehouse was soon the best heatery in town, and welcomed many extinguished guests!

    Whilst diners enjoyed the flamin’ good cuisine (which, sadly, doesn’t include blazed donuts or pyro-pyro chicken – making it difficult for me to force those puns in here), it was The World’s Largest Fire Helmet that truly ignited passions. It wasn’t unusual for lines of hungry diners to be found oohing and ahhing in unison with their rumbling tummies.

    After the September 11 attacks, Nick renovated the helmet to look like the NYFD version, and donated it to the Barstow Fire Protection District. For the past two decades it’s hosted the town’s 9/11 ceremonies, and continues to draw in visitors like moths to a flame.

    Barstow’s single women, meanwhile, are still looking for the fireman big enough to wear the helmet. As they say – the larger the helmet, the longer the hose!

    If you can’t stand the heat… get out and see more Big Things!

    For any budding firebugs continuing on to Las Vegas, make sure you splash out on a trip to The Big Fire Hydrant. Closer to Barstow, there’s The World’s Largest Thermometer in Baker and a giant ice cream sundae at EddieWorld in Yermo.

    Sounds like the perfect way to cool off after a huge day tracking down roadside attractions!

  • Randy’s Donut, Inglewood, California

    Randy's Donut, Inglewood, Los Angeles, California, United States of America

    For a HOLE lotta fun, pop along to Randy’s Donuts in Inglewood, Los Angeles. A pastiche of 1950s counter-culture, Randy’s is one of the most beloved restaurants in America, offering a plethora of pungent pastries. And bake sure to save room for the main course – the iconic, 32.6ft-wide donut on the roof!

    Randy’s enormous donut is the first thing many people see as they descend upon the City of Angels. It’s only a few minutes drive from LAX – and the perfect place to carb load after a long flight. Dominating the landscape, the donut is as synonymous with the city as the Hollywood sign, botox, and homeless encampments.

    What could be more typical of LA than a Korean tourist and a doo-rag-sporting gangbanger squatting next to each other, eyes agog, cream smeared across faces, after an encounter with Randy’s Donut?

    You might recognise Randy’s Donuts from movies like Get Shorty, Iron Man 2, Mars Attacks! and the critically-divisive Earth Girls Are Easy. Don’t worry if you haven’t heard about that last one – it didn’t make much dough at the box-office!

    The Donut, sadly, is often draped with advertising banners that completely obscure it. Thankfully, it was naked when I visited. I would’ve hated to be on the wrong end of some good old fashioned police brutality for tearing the signage off Randy’s Donut in order to take these extraordinary photos!

    The Everlasting Glaze

    The story of Randy’s Donuts is even more scrumptious than the treats they sell (although the fruity pebbles-sheathed donuts come pretty dang close!). Back in the late-’40s, an entrepreneurial chap named Russell C. Wendell launched a chain of takeaway restaurants known as The Big Do-Nut Drive-In.

    Needing something to help stand out in the dog-eat-dog world of light refreshments, ‘Wendy’ approached eccentric structural engineer Richard Bradshaw with an outlandish idea. Each shop would be crested by a donut of obscene proportions.

    Using rolled steel bars to create the rotund shape, and covering them with concrete, each Big Donut weighed an impressive 15,000 pounds. Which is about how much I’d weigh if I ate there every day, tee-hee!

    The second shop opened in 1953, in the blossoming suburb of Inglewood – but I donut know why he chose that location. The restaurant, much like the donuts, was always jam-packed!

    The grand opening was like nothing the good folk of LA had ever seen. Chevy Bel-Airs and Ford T-Birds were lined up round the corner. Greasers and socs put their differences to one side to share an apple fritter.

    World peace, it seemed, was within our cinnamon-dusted grasp. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, but at this point the tale becomes a little bit stale.

    Tired of standing in the shadow of his own big donut, ‘Wendy’ sold the restaurants in the 1970s. Robert Eskow bought the Inglewood location, renaming it Randy’s Donuts after his son. Tragically, most of the other shops closed, their Big Donuts scraped into the bin like yesterday’s leftovers.

    In recent years, new Randy’s franchises have sprung up in Las Vegas, Saudi Arabia, South Korea and the Philippines. But none have a huge donut on the roof, so who cares?

    Feeling Randy

    As a strict adherent to the Atkins diet, I was only able to enjoy a few sumptuous bites from an Oreo-crowned frosted donut before rushing to the nearest restroom to purge myself of the dreaded calories. The creamy, dreamy flavours that swelled around in my mouth, however, were enough to cause my eyes to glaze over.

    From bacon maple Long Johns to cinnamon-encrusted bear claws, sea salt caramel lattes to those super cute pink donuts with the itsy-bitsy sprinkles on the top – for any trip to LA, Randy’s is the icing on the cake… uh, donut!

    Wiping the decadent chocolate from my lips, I noticed a familiar figure, clad in a sheepskin cloak that left little to the imagination, hobbling towards the donut shop. It was my good pal, beloved character actor Randy Quaid, who I befriended on the set of the Yuletide classic National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure.

    (As an aside, whilst I portrayed Clark – the son of Randy’s character, Eddie – in the film, Randy has come to see me as a father figure over the years, often approaching me for advice during his many times of need)

    “Hi Randy,” I chuckled, before pointing towards the oversized donut. “Your order’s ready, and they’ve already written your name on it.”

    Randy’s face dropped, and he peered anxiously around the busy car park.

    “How do they know my name?” he yelped. His eyes darting from side to side. His tongue flicked across his lips. “And how do they know what I wanted? They’re watchin’ me, Bigs. The guv’ment is watchin’ me!”

    With that, Randy – poor, sweet, misguided Randy – stripped off his cloak and then ran, naked, into the unflinching Los Angeles traffic.

    Oh well, it’s not every day you get to see Randy’s Nuts!

  • Forever Marilyn, Palm Springs, California

    If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as heck don’t deserve me at my BIGGEST! Marilyn Monroe may have sashayed off this mortal coil six decades ago, but her spirit lives on in downtown Palm Springs, California. There you’ll find Forever Marilyn, a 26ft tribute that perfectly captures the sensuality of the bosomy Hollywood starlet.

    The statue’s voluptuous curves and golden tresses evoke memories of the golden age of cinema. Framed by the breathtaking San Jacinto Mountains, Marilyn bakes in the desert sun. But that’s alright, because Some Like It Hot.

    The blonde bombshell was crafted by maverick artist Seward Johnson, from painted steel and aluminum. Inspired by Marilyn’s unforgettable scene from the 1955 classic The Seven-Year Itch, where her white dress billows around her, the statue was first installed in Chicago in 2011.

    So yes, Forever Marilyn’s getting on a bit, but You’re Only as Young as You Feel.

    Just as the real Marilyn fell victim to the whims of randy tough guys, Forever Marilyn was often assaulted by vandals. On one occasion, red paint was splashed all over her porcelain skin, to protest against climate change or video store late fees for something like that.

    Come on, guys, Let’s Make Love, not war!

    There’s No Bigness Like Show Bigness

    Much like Marilyn herself, who never stayed in one place very long and had a string of short-lived relationships, her sculpture has been around the traps. She first arrived in Palm Springs in 2012, before relocating to Hamilton, New Jersey in 2014.

    Makes sense – Marilyn filmed The Delaware River of No Return there. Tee-hee!

    Marilyn was packed up in 2016 and shipped across the globe to the ultra-chic city of Bendigo, Australia. Known as ‘Tinseltown of the Goldfields’, Marilyn fit right in with the local bohemians, who affectionately called her ‘Maz’.

    Sadly, having both a massive Marilyn Monroe and The Golden Dragon Lotus proved to be more than the good people of Bendigo could handle, and nobody got any work done. They’d just sit around, looking up Maz’s skirt to see her Love Nest. So Maz was plonked on the next cargo ship back to the States.

    After a spell in Stamford, Connecticut, Forever Marilyn spent a few Dangerous Years in storage. It looked like the credits had rolled on her glittering career. Nature abhors a vacuum, and thus a crass Chinese knock-off appeared next to a Bus Stop in the slums of Guigang. Tall and blonde with a sense of fun and adventure – Marilyn must’ve fit right in with the Chinese peasantry.

    Then Bobby ‘The Moonman’ Moon stepped in. The longtime mayor of Palm Springs with the movie star good looks brought Marilyn back to the resort city. This time, Forever.

    And that, thankfully, was the end of all that Monkey Business.

    Something’s Got to Bigs

    And so I found myself standing, mouth agape, between the shapely pins of a much taller woman. Unfortunately, Bigella became quite jealous of the attention I was lavishing upon Marilyn. Oh well, that just goes to prove that Gentlemen Prefer Blondes!

    “Settle down, Bigella,” I snapped. “Me and Marilyn are just friends. We’re Not Married!”
    Bigella, never a fan of classic cinema, didn’t appreciate the joke. She’s probably never even seen Marilyn’s 1952 romantic comedy of the same name.

    “Most of Marilyn’s films are so dated that puns based off their titles make little sense to the wider populace,” Bigella snapped. “Just look at that reference to Monkey Business a few paragraphs back. Nobody will get the joke. It detracts from what should be an interesting story.”
    “Please don’t underestimate the cultural significance of Edmund…”
    “You have this beautiful website that should have widespread appeal, but instead you fill the entries with obscure jokes and bizarre fantasy sequences that have little relevance to the subject matter.”

    Bigella’s cruel words cut through me like a knife, and I sat down beneath Forever Marilyn to have a good, hard think about the direction Land of the Bigs was heading in. Maybe it is too weird, I pondered. Maybe the entries do stray off topic, into outlandish scenarios that amuse nobody by myself. As I looked up into Marilyn’s eyes, I decided to begin a new, more sensible, chapter of my life.

    Tee-hee, just kidding! Forever Marilyn inspired me to trot off to the nearest Dollar Tree to purchase a platinum blonde wig and a blouse that left little to the imagination. Taking Marilyn’s lead I tumbled into and out of a number of marriages and high-profile relationships with luminaries from the entertainment, sporting and political realms, before plunging to the depths of drug and alcohol addiction as my career spiralled out of control.

    Sometime later, bleary-eyed and with my skirt riding up my backside, I stumbled onto a floodlit stage, pushing an oversized cake and wailing “Happy birthday, Mr President” to a confused elderly man who, I’m hesitant to say, appeared to have befouled his pants.

    Poor ol’ Joe just stood there, smiling vacantly as the world rolled on past him, before making a feeble attempt to grope me. My life had, I realised, reached its nadir.

    Fortunately I became obsessed with another oversized roadside attraction before I could succumb to a barbiturate overdose.

    Forever, Bigs.

  • EddieWorld, Yermo, California

    EddieWorld, Yermo, California, United States

    Heading to Las Vegas to gamble away your life savings and admire a few Big Things? Then make sure you swing by California’s SWEETEST holiday destination – EddieWorld! You can’t miss it, just look out for the 65-foot ice cream out the front.

    Rising like a lurid mirage just outside Yermo, The Big Sundae’s euphoric hues – pink and blue and canary yellow – lure in excited roadtrippers and frazzled encyclopaedia salesmen with the promise of treasures innumerable. And the cherry on top is, well, the cherry on top.

    Proudly advertised as California’s largest gas station, EddieWorld boasts 26 pumps (I counted them!) and 27,000ft of retail space (I measured it with my trundle wheel – thanks, José, for rearranging the jerky shelves and Frazil ice drink machines so I could get an accurate reading).

    There are three world-class restaurants, plenty of souvenirs, and even a shrine to popular local netball team the LA Lakers. EddieWorld also offers more soda flavours than you could shake an insulin syringe at at. Prickly pear, pumpkin crème, and gherkin are personal faves. Yes, EddieWorld’s the perfect place to scoop up a bargain!

    EddieWorld also has dozens of charging sor-bays for electronic vehicles. Cool!

    The men’s toilets, usually a tribute to the grotesque, prove to be another highlight. It’s not unusual to enter to the celebratory sounds of hoots and high-fives, as each urinal is fitted out with a high-tech electrical game controlled through a carefully-aimed stream.

    Sadly, I didn’t partake. I simply didn’t need Bigella getting on my case about having fun in public toilets with strange men again.

    On the Sundae of Life

    With its retro charm, EddieWorld’s giant gelado is a mouthwatering tribute simpler time. It may surprise you, then, that this wintery wonderland is but a few, delicious years old.

    Enigmatic entrepreneur Eddie Ringle opened the first EddieWorld gas station in Nevada in 2001. It was a moderate success, but lacked a certain je ne sais quoi. That missing ingredient turned out to be a six-storey ice cream, which became the focal point of his second gas station, served up to a famished public one warm day in 2018.

    Proving that anything is popsicle, EddieWorld quickly became California’s pre-eminent tourist attraction. It was a rocky road to success, but they made it. And don’t worry, this sundae is open seven days a week!

    When the Land of the Bigs crew turned up, Bigella wasted little time maxing out the company AmEx on lollies, soda, plushies, commemorative t-shirts and a big ol’ bucket of butter pecan ice cream.

    Not wanting to dirupt my strict paleo diet, I bypassed the sundaes in favour of a small bag of gluten free bacon and cheese flavoured crickets. They were every bit as disgusting as you’d expect, and I became ever-so-slightly ravenous as I watched Bigella guzzling her sumptuous frozen delicacies, the decadent snack dripping down her fingers in the waning Californian sun.

    Succumbing to my lust for the sugary treat, I lunged towards my comrade’s food in a desperate attempt to ladle it into my gaping maw. I instantly learned that one should never get in between Bigella and a tub of ice cream, because she responded by delivering a severe beating and dumping me, semi-conscious and bleeding heavily, at the base of The Big Sundae.

    I suppose I got my just desserts!

  • Howie the Turtle, Oak Park, California

    Howie the Turtle, Oak Park, California

    McLatchy Park, home to a happy-go-lucky turtle and a rag-tag selection of oversized fruit and junk food, seems like the happiest place on Earth. It’s hard to imagine that this tranquil slice of Californian suburbia was the site of one of history’s most tragic events.

    Joyland Amusement Park opened to a flabbergasted public in 1913, boasting a giant racer, swimming baths, and a zoo. There was even a turtle named Howie, who provided much joy to the people of Sacramento until perishing from loneliness in early 1914.

    Men, women and children would ride the streetcars to the park on Sac’s outskirts, looking to escape the crushing banality of a world before the Big Bike and Big Hands were around to amuse them. Then, in 1920, fire tore through the park, destroying the rides and wiping out many of the remaining animals.

    Howie, it seems, had the best of it.

    Guess who’s back, back again?
    Howie’s back, tell a friend!

    The charred remains of the fair were purchased by a Mr Valentine McClatchy, who named it James McClatchy Park after his father. At the time of publishing, I’ve been unable to confirm whether the ‘Park’ bit is because it was a park, or whether his father was actually named James McClatchy-Park.

    It was soon gifted to the city and turned into public recreation grounds. The current-day playground was installed a few years ago, with its design heavily inspired by history. The slide looks like a rollercoaster, there’s a huge box of popcorn… and there’s even a turtle.

    A century since his passing, Howie is back to charm and enthral the people of Sacramento with his cheeky grin and oddball personality. Though slightly smaller than his Aussie cousin Colin, this turtle has won the hearts of a new generation of thrillseekers.

    And the best news is that this is one turtle unlikely to die of depression, because children (and grown men who act like children) are constantly climbing on him. McLatchy Park is, finally, the very happiest place on Earth once more.

  • A Life’s Ride, Sacramento, California

    A Life's Ride, West Sacramento, CaliforniaArtwork by terrance Martin

    When much-loved Sacramentonian cyclist Andy Yokoyama joined the big peloton in the sky in 2012, his death took the air out of the city’s tyres.

    But instead of spinning their wheels in mourning, the community jumped back in the saddle to create a fitting tribute to the bikable fellow. The result is A Life’s Ride, an astonishing piece from local artist Terrance Martin that’s chained up near Sac’s famous Tower Bridge.

    The titanic two-wheeler doubles as a bench, making it the perfect spot to not only reflect upon Andy’s inspirational existence, but to also watch the seals play merrily in the glistening Sacramento River. If you’re lucky, you might even see some homeless men have a knife fight.

    Andy’s widow, Cathy, enjoys recycling just as much as he enjoyed cycling, and insisted the monument be crafted from materials found on her hubby’s farm. Thankfully that didn’t mean building it from wilting zucchinis and Brussels sprouts, with two-thirds of A Life’s Ride comprised from old tractor wheels and other bits and pieces her beloved once worked with.

    “We asked Terry to use parts from the farm, if he was good with that idea,” Cath enthused. “He was!”

    Isn’t it heartwarming to see everyone working in tandem!

    The Ride of Your Life

    It was Andy’s long-time friend and official spokesperson for the project, Carol Davis, who really set the wheels in motion. Not only was she the one who had to wheel with city council to allow the tribute to be parked on public property, she also approached the artist to gauge his interest.

    “We told Terry we wanted a bench,” Cathy velodromed on. “Carol had seen his benches at the Sacramento Zoo [and probably a turtle]. We were thinking of the form of a bicycle because Andy really enjoyed biking.”

    Señor Martin, surely inspired by similar prodigious pushies in Sydney and Lac d’Annecy, was only too happy to help.

    “I want to do stuff that makes people walk up and smile,” Terrance told a star-struck journalist, and it seems like he wasn’t pedalling lies. “The next thing they’re going to start doing is talk to the person standing right next to them.”

    Tragically the bike has been a regular target of vandalism over the years, with the dregs of society seeing it as a canvas in their futile battle against ‘the man’. Honestly, why not take the advice of the nearby Peace statue?

    During my visit I encountered a gang of heavily-tattooed tough guys drawing crude depictions of genitalia on the bike. They simply didn’t get the significance of A Life’s Ride.

    Filled with rage I stormed over to teach them a lesson they wouldn’t soon forget. When they pulled a gun on me I simply complimented their artistic vision and rode off into the sunset.

  • Peace, Sacramento, California

    Peace statue, Sacramento, California, United StatesBy Stephen J. Kaltenbach

    Give peace a chance… or should that be give peace a HANDS. This massive set of mitts was created by the ever-talented Stephen Kaltenbach, and can be found right near the State Capitol in downtown Sac.

    When the world needed a hero, Steve was there to lend a hand, knuckling down to bring Sacramentonians a message of glove and harmony. The results, as you can see, are simply irre-wrist-ible.

    Thumbing his nose at bigots, haters and other ne’er-do-wells, Steve hopes his statue – known simply as Peace – will teach us to hold each other a little tighter, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation or the fact they’ve decided to dedicate their life to tracking down Big Things, rather than getting a job and a girlfriend and moving out of the spare bedroom. Do you hear that, Mum?

    Peace brought a new era of goodwill to Sacramento – and the United States as a whole – in 2006, and was soon joined by A Life’s Ride. The piece was surely inspired by another influential set of digits, La Mano in Punta del Este. Steve, however, palms off comments his work is a copy.

    Steve’s also responsible for a woman’s severed head just up the road. Of course I mean a statue of a woman’s severed head – known as Matter Contemplates Spirit. As far as I’m aware he’s never decapitated anyone, male, female or other.

    I can’t shake the feeling that, no matter what he tries his hand at, Steve makes a real fist of it!

  • Cupid’s Span, San Francisco, California

    Cupid's Span, San Francisco, California, United States of America

    Many a tourist has left their heart in San Francisco, so of course there’s a Big Thing dedicated to love and romance right next to the Bay Bridge.

    Created by lovers Claes Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen in 2002 and measuring an un-bow-lievable 18 metres from tip to amorous tip, Cupid’s Span quickly surpassed the Golden Gate Bridge as the bay city’s most photographed landmark.

    It’s common to see clusters of curious Korean tourists quivering with excitement as they pose in front of the monument. It’s said that anyone who touches the arrow will soon find their bow-loved – or at least some no-strings-attached fun.

    Cupid’s massive tool was made from fibreglass and steel for an undisclosed cost – so I assume it was quite ex-span-sive. According to the artists, the tip of the projectile plunges into the fertile Californian soil to defunctionalise the weapon, positioning it as a symbol of peace and hope.

    If you don’t understand Claes and Cass, then you need to stop being so arrow-minded!

    Cupid is as Cupid does

    A visit to Cupid’s Span elicits memories of a slightly smaller, yet no less beloved, bow and arrow set in another of the world’s most popular tourist destinations, Lake Cathie. Yet those responsible want to point out theirs is no nock-off.

    “Arriving at San Francisco airport, one is greeted with a recording by Mayor Willie Brown, which extols the city as a place with heart,” the artists explained after several critics claimed they’d missed the mark. “Countless songs and stories celebrate San Francisco as the realm of love.”

    Yes, that might sound like a load of bullseye, but let’s go with it.

    Sadly, Cupid’s arrow didn’t fly straight for me during my trip to San Fran, with my date with Yahoo programming wunderkind/Starbucks barista Devon failing to yield the lifelong love and companionship I yearn for.

    Still, the clam chowder was delightful and the disco I attended in the Castro afterwards taught me several valuable life lessons that I’ll be discussing with my therapist for years.

  • The Big Crab, San Francisco, California

    The Big Crab, San Francisco, CaliforniaFisherman's Wharf

    “(Sittin’ With) the Crab for the Day”

    Sittin’ in the San Fran sun
    The Crab’ll be snippin’ when the evenin’ comes
    Watching Bigs Bardot roll in
    Then he’ll make an excuse and scuttle away forever, yeah

    I’m sittin’ with the Crab for the day
    Wondering which way he sways, ooh
    Because it’s scientifically proven crabs can be gay
    Crustacean time!

    I left my home in Gosford
    Headed for the Frisco Bay
    ‘Cause I’ve had everythin’ to live for
    As there’s a Big Thing to visit every day

    So I’m just gon’ sit with the Crab for the day
    Watchin’ the way his his cephalothorax sways, ooh
    Shopping at the The Wharf Store is a good way to save
    Crustacean time!

    My obsession with the Big Crab may seem strange
    But trust me when I say I am sane
    I want him to pinch my bum even when I say not to
    But he doesn’t want to play that game, no

    The poor ol’ Big Crab has no bones
    Without him I fear I’ll die alone, listen
    I’m 20,000 miles from home
    Kissing a crab statue highlighted in chrome

    Now I’m just gon’ sit with my beloved Crab for a day
    Until he inevitably scurries away, ooh yeah
    Why will nobody I love stay
    My whole life has been a waste of time