Moab, Utah, is most certain to please A desert oasis that’s best served with cheese With mountains and shrubs and Arches and quilk And quaint restaurants that serve bumdoozlers with milk
I felt a great leaping of joy in my heart As I swaggered along, seeking oversized art
In no time at all, my stroll turned to a hop I’d spotted a Big Thing outside of a shop And with great skilful skill that would impress a wizard I raced towards something that could be a lizard
As I got nearer I heard a ga-whine! I looked I saw some him perched up on a sign Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, the oddest of creatures Describe him? That’s hard. He had such bizarre features He was largish, and oldish, and bluish and mossy And he spoke with a Utah accent that was sharpish and bossy
“Bigs Bardot!” he said, taking swift action “I am The Gonzo. A roadside attraction I lure in travellers both ancient and young With my palpable sense of both filbus and fun” His tail did flap and his eyes they did spin “Won’t you please join me inside The Gonzo Inn?”
“Look, Gonzo”, I said. “I don’t see the harm It’s better than sleeping out there in a barn Moab’s quite cold when you’re on your ownly A life tracking down Bigs can be rather lonely So please lead the way, to a room for this brat With a rat, a cat, and a Big Cricket Bat I hope it has carpets, and pillows, and sheets! And curtains! And comfortable, munchable seats!
The Gonzo said, “Bigs! You are crazy with greed A sensibly-priced condo is all that you need!
But the very next minute I proved Gonzo wrong For, just at that minute, I burst into song And the critter found my voice was really quite great Then invited me out on a lovely bro date I laughed at The Gonzo, and gave him a smile “No, all I need is the love of a handsome reptile!”
It’s Big Thing o’clock, yeah, it’s lizard-thirty I’m here in Somersby and it’s real purty (okay) Is everybody set for someone scaly? Who you can visit all up on the daily Lizzo can make you smile quite gayly How you feelin’? How you feel right now?
Ooooh, Lizzo the Big Lizard’s a treasure Find her near the Aus Reptile Park, yeah Oh, she’s not the creature she was or used to be Uh, Biggies, she’s even better!
Turn up Pile Street, then on the right I got a feelin’ you’ll see something nice Okay (okay), alright It’s about damn time! Stop for a photo, yes that’s the way! I got a feelin’ she’s gon’ make your day Okay (okay), alright Lizzo is damn fine!
In a minute, you’ll go completely mental ‘Cos Ploddy‘s nearby to pump you up So is Frilly, she’ll make you feel really silly But remember you’re fabulous I enjoyed Lizzo so dang much I split into like two Bigs Bardots One to get up, one to get down Both will help you smile, not frown
Ooooh, Lizzo the Big Lizard’s a treasure With her frilled neck and toothy smile, yeah Oh, she’s not the creature she was or used to be Uh, Biggies, she’s even better!
Liz might be ageing, but don’t have a fright I got a feelin’ she’s gon’ be alright Okay (okay), alright Oh yeah she’ll be fine (fine) Older Big Lizards can, still celebrate (alright) I got a feelin’ Lizzo wants to go out and play Okay (okay), alright She’s still in her prime
Lizzo’s comin’ out tonight, she’s comin’ out tonight (uh-huh) To Club Troppo tonight, ‘cos it’s Saturday night (wooooo!) Vodka Cruisers tonight, get in a fight tonight Okay (okay), alright (alright) It’s Troppo time! Club Troppo’s closed tonight, (oh no) has been since ’06, why? (closed since ’06, why?) Nowhere to go tonight, Gosford is dead tonight (woo) Need a plan for tonight, let’s break the time-space continuum tonight (break the time-space continuum tonight) Okay (okay), alright Let’s go back in time!
And that’s the story of how Lizzo the Big Lizard, Bigs Bardot the much-loved roadside attraction savant, Gordon the rambunctious alien, Gideon the gooey guacamole, and Bigs Bardot’s evil-yet-whimsically-handsome clone invented time travel, just so they could head back to 2001 and dance to Craig David’s 7 Days whilst sucking on watered-down frozen cocktails and avoiding the near-constant dancefloor scuffles at the legendary Club Troppo.
A brief note on Lizzo’s current legal situation
It’s recently been brought to my attention that Lizzo – the remarkably talented, deliciously robust, African American pop singer, not the remarkably large, deliciously anatomically accurate, Indigenous Australian lizard – has been cancelled due to some rather serious sexual misconduct charges.
Please be aware that the passionate and diverse Land of the Bigs team does not condone such behaviour. After months of negotiations with the Australian Reptile Park, I’ve been assured that Lizzo’s open invitation to the Quoll Experience has been revoked.
A tropical island full of women sounds like Hell on Earth to a man of my tastes, so it would take something special to lure me towards México’s Isla Mujeres. That something special arrived in the shape of an enormous iguana – named, creatively, Iguana – and so off I popped to the sultry Island of Women.
Isla Mujeres rests a few kilometres off the golden shores of Cancún, where sunburnt American tourists spend their days crowding around Clawdia the Crab and their evenings stuffing overpriced tacos into their faces. Ultramar run regular ferries to the island from Puerto Juarez, and if you’re lucky you might be entertained by a chubby Mexicán Elvis impersonator during the half-hour trip.
Juan Méndez say Only fajitas rush in But I can’t help eating nachos with you!
El Vis Pérez, Cancún’s third-chubbiest Elvis impersonator
The ferry, shockingly, doesn’t head straight to the Iguana, instead docking in a far less interesting part of the island. I couldn’t find a limousine, so had to jump on an overcrowded party bus like a filthy commoner.
There I was, surrounded by a gang of liquored-up British hooligans (who showed little interest in the cultural importance of oversized roadside attractions), with a voluptuous Latina perched upon my lap, her melon-heavy breasts suffocating me as she attempted to pour tequila down my unwilling gullet. Lo siento, Maria, but those aren’t the sort of Big Things I’m aroused by!
By the time I plunged sweatily from the bus at Punta Sur, my curvy admirer declaring her undying love for me, I was both physically and emotionally drained. I honestly didn’t know if I had the willpower to show the Iguana the reverence she deserved. I shouldn’t have worried, because what I found on that island filled me with a newfound respect for Mexíco and her people.
Hang around for a rep-while and I’ll tell you all about it!
I wish I was in Tijuana, kissing a giant iguana!
Iguanas have long been the symbol of the Yucatan Peninsula and, fortunately, the legions of drug-obsessed tourists haven’t managed to snort or smoke them all yet. The sociable sauropods slither over every scrap of Isla Mujeres, seemingly making a pilgrimage, like me, to the statue of their leader.
The Big Iguana sashayed into this sun-kissed spot in 2001, taking pride of place at the entrance to the island’s popular Sculpture Garden. ‘Iggy’ has changed colours and patterns many times over the years, so maybe she’s part chameleon!
She was all I could skink about as I followed a cluster of cold-blooded critters along the carbuncled coastline. And then there she was, standing proudly over the her kingdom, with the baying brine churning behind her. Queen Iguana, the Monarch of Mujeres.
Iggy’s spines are at once menacing and motherly. Her scales are shockingly lifelike, her eyes deep and regal, as though she knows more than the rest of us ever shall. This is a Big built not simply to attract tourists, but to pay homage to the rich local culture. Falling to my knees to nuzzle her noble nails, I came to realise that women aren’t so bad after all.
But I didn’t let Maria know that!
By the time the tangerine sun dropped into the turquoise sea, my fear of the fairer sex had quelled enough for me to pose not only with Iguana, but with a nearby statue of the shapely Mayan goddess Ixchel. One afternoon with this sublime squamate had done more to cure my fear of gynophobia than years of electroshock therapy ever did.
I love you, Iguana!
Iguana see more!
Has this scaly scamp left you hungry for more? Then scurry along to exotic Taree to see Joanna the Goanna, or spend a frilling afternoon with Frilly the Lizard in beautiful Somersby. There’s also Dirrawuhn, The Big Thorny Devil and The Big Water Dragon. For something closer to Méxicó, stroll over to Costa Rica for an unforgettable encounter with La Iguana. Yes, there’s more than iguana of them!
Honestly, if I had a peso for every Big Lizard I’ve visited, I’d be a chemeleonaire!
Canberra’s home to many hideous, cold-blooded monsters, but I’m not here to talk politics. No, my dear readers, I want to let you know I’ve sold my soul to the devil – the Big Thorny Devil!
This three-metre-long lizard of Oz is a fine recreation of the real-life beasties, who call the outback home. They’re a mere 21cm from rugged head to spiny tail, and look like something out of a fever dream.
Along with a collection of razor-sharp spikes, each devil also has a fake head growing out of his or her neck. Not only does it serve as a decoy to predators, but allows them to blend in with Tasmanians.
The super-sized centralian is the centre of attention at the Red Centre exhibit, which is centrally located in the National Botanic Gardens. A spike-able chap, he pranced into town in 2013 and has been setting hearts aflame with his striking looks and cheeky disposition ever since.
I had a devil of a time finding this thorny lothario, because he lives all the way up the back of the Gardens. Perhaps someone in his family was a chameleon? The thrilling mixture of rainforests, rocky outcrops and cafes, however, proved to be a welcome distraction. There are even a few other statues of large creatures – I especially enjoyed the frog! – but none that qualify as Big Things.
Don’t break down in tears, though, because the Big Acorns and Big Bogong Moths are within scurrying distance.
Thorn To Be Wild
Although he’s no taller than a toddler, the Big Thorny Devil stands head and shoulders above most Bigs in regards to craftmanship. He’s absolutely exquisite, and wouldn’t look out of place at the National Gallery. I can think of seven pear-ly large chaps who might have a problem with that, however!
The devil is in the details, of which there are many thanks to the Big Thing legends at Natureworks, who are also responsible for another renowned reptile – Somersby’s Frilly. If you’d like your own Thorny Devil to snuggle up to, the good news is they actually sell replicas. I’ll try to act surprised if one turns up in my Santa stocking!
Don’t bother skink-ing about it, take a squiz at this giant liz!
