Tag: Road trip

  • Mammoth and Baby Mammoth, Nadym, Russia

    Mammoth and Baby Mammoth, Nadym, Russia

    My unquenchable thirst for Big Things has taken me to some of the most beautiful and wondrous places on earth. It also dragged me through the frozen wastelands of northern Siberia, to the decaying industrial town of Nadym.

    I was lured to this remote corner of Russia by fellow Big Thing enthusiast Yevgeny Kafelnikov. No, not the world famous tennis player – every second Russian seems to be called that. Yevgeny enchanted me with tales about a mammoth of immense size, so I spent several months hitchhiking through the desolate tundra to track it down.

    If you’ve ever seen a Russian dashcam video on YouTube, you’d know that I really should’ve just caught a plane. I was involved in three fatal car accidents, several brutal street fights, and developed a serious addiction to vodka and counterfeit Adidas tracksuits. If I’d been on the road any longer I would’ve started yearning for the downfall of western civilisation.

    Sadly, by the time I arrived in Nadym, Yevgeny had fallen afoul of the local mafia. Considering his divisive opinions regarding roadside attractions, it came as no surprise. Fortunately, I was able to stay with his grieving widow, so Yevgeny’s public beheading didn’t get in the way of seeing the Big Mammoth.

    From Tusk Till Dawn

    I visited on a balmy summer afternoon, as the temperature threatened to climb out of the negatives. The flat, lifeless terrain, punctuated only by the odd car wreck or abandoned shanty, made it easy to find what I was looking for. The massive mastodon lives a few kilometres out of Nadym, where a group of her ancestors were discovered a few decades ago.

    I never completed my paleontology degree, so I don’t know for sure what killed these graceful beasts, but my guess would be the boredom of living in Nadym. They certainly got the raw end of the stick compared to the mighty milodón!

    Tears of joy froze upon my cheeks as I finally approached my holy grail. Along with her baby, the hirsute hottie is the size of a real mammoth. If you think that disqualifies them from being regarded as Big Things, I know some Russian skinheads who want to have a word with you.

    Of particular note is the mummy mammoth’s titanic tusks – she would’ve needed a really big toothbrush! More than 100 political prisoners died during the monument’s construction, so it’s nice to know their deaths weren’t in vain.

    Despite their detailed craftmanship and enviable size, the mammoths can’t really be considered roadside attractions. The nearest town is 10 hours’ drive away so there’s little passing traffic, and any car that slows down risks being burnt out by a gang of troubled youths.

    You can’t pull the wool over my eyes! Actually, you can…

    During my visit I encountered a young boy named Yevgeny Kafelnikov (again, not the tennis player) who offered to photograph me with the mammoths. I thought it was a kind-hearted exhibition of man’s kindness to man, until I realised it had all been a ruse so that his chums could steal my iPod. Oh well, boys, hope you like Shania Twain.

    After a glorious afternoon with the mammoths, I filled my backpack with cheap vodka and set off on my months-long trek back to Moscow. I would’ve stayed longer, but Nadym made the possibility of freezing to death or getting bopped over the head with an iron bar seem like pretty appealing options.

    As I crossed the River Nadym, its oily surface shimmering like a dying rainbow, I wondered whether it was all worth it. The confronting journey gave me time to reflect on the fact that I’m much like the mammoth. A graceful relic of a bygone era, loved and feared in equal measure.

    A few weeks after I left, local children discovered my friend Yevgeny’s remains out near the mammoths. I think he would have liked that.

  • The Big Acorns, Molonglo Valley, ACT

    The Big Acorns, Molonglo Valley, Australian Capital Territory

    You’ll go nuts for these king-sized kernels, which loom large over the National Arboretum Canberra and double as a playground. Just make sure to behave yourself, or you’ll end up in the naughty acorner!

    The Pod Playground burst open on June 22, 2013, and I’m not oaking when I say it’s nutting short of incredible. Not only are there all sorts of slippery dips and swings to explore, but there’s also a collection of burly banksia pods in which to hide from the cold, dark world and the ravages of time.

    Seedless to say, the Big Acorns offer a nice, peaceful spot foresting up after hunting Big Things all day. The Mushroom, Coins, Moths and Thorny Devil are all ex-tree-meley close.

    For another attraction that’ll ex-seed your expectations, try the Big Pine Cones.

    Unfortunately the weather was rather inclement when I visited, and I braved a violent electrical storm to bring you these photos. You may call me a hero, but I can honestly think of no better way to leave this world than having my head explode from the power of 10 million vaults whilst sheltered within the bowels of a Big. Ah, a boy can dream!

    You probably expect me to wrap this up with acorny joke, but that’s not my style!

  • The Big Thorny Devil, Acton, ACT

    The Big Thorny Devil, Acton, Australian Capital Territory

    Canberra’s home to many hideous, cold-blooded monsters, but I’m not here to talk politics. No, my dear readers, I want to let you know I’ve sold my soul to the devil – the Big Thorny Devil!

    This three-metre-long lizard of Oz is a fine recreation of the real-life beasties, who call the outback home. They’re a mere 21cm from rugged head to spiny tail, and look like something out of a fever dream.

    Along with a collection of razor-sharp spikes, each devil also has a fake head growing out of his or her neck. Not only does it serve as a decoy to predators, but allows them to blend in with Tasmanians.

    The super-sized centralian is the centre of attention at the Red Centre exhibit, which is centrally located in the National Botanic Gardens. A spike-able chap, he pranced into town in 2013 and has been setting hearts aflame with his striking looks and cheeky disposition ever since.

    I had a devil of a time finding this thorny lothario, because he lives all the way up the back of the Gardens. Perhaps someone in his family was a chameleon? The thrilling mixture of rainforests, rocky outcrops and cafes, however, proved to be a welcome distraction. There are even a few other statues of large creatures – I especially enjoyed the frog! – but none that qualify as Big Things.

    Don’t break down in tears, though, because the Big Acorns and Big Bogong Moths are within scurrying distance.

    Thorn To Be Wild

    Although he’s no taller than a toddler, the Big Thorny Devil stands head and shoulders above most Bigs in regards to craftmanship. He’s absolutely exquisite, and wouldn’t look out of place at the National Gallery. I can think of seven pear-ly large chaps who might have a problem with that, however!

    The devil is in the details, of which there are many thanks to the Big Thing legends at Natureworks, who are also responsible for another renowned reptile – Somersby’s Frilly. If you’d like your own Thorny Devil to snuggle up to, the good news is they actually sell replicas. I’ll try to act surprised if one turns up in my Santa stocking!

    Don’t bother skink-ing about it, take a squiz at this giant liz!

  • The Big Pears, Parkes, ACT

    The Big Pears, Parkes, Australian Capital Territory

    Everything’s going pear-shaped in the nation’s capital, and that’s just how they like it! Please welcome this incom-pear-able bunch. Officially known as Pear (version No.2) despite there being seven of the fruity fellows, they were created by George Baldessin in 1973.

    The Pears rest enticingly at the entrance to the National Gallery of Australia, and appear to be scattered around as if as if displayed in a fruit bowl. Unsurprisingly famished art-lovers often attempt to eat them. Jokingly, I hope, because they’re made from steel that’s designed to rust into the brown colour of an Aussie pear.

    Each swollen sweetheart was first molded from polystyrene, before being cast in two halves, sliced horizontally. Once completed, they were skewered onto individual pipes that had been plunged into the cold Canberran dirt. It’s for the best, because there’s a 110 pear-cent chance someone would fruit-nap them otherwise.

    Whilst they were originally designed with leaves, these were never attached and currently reside within the gallery. I guess the artiste decided to they needed nothing but the pear necessities.

    Curiously, Baldessin was part of an art movement designed to resist the Americanisation of Aussie art. Our Big Things, as much as we hate to admit it, are directly influenced by similar structures in the US, so poor ol’ Georgie boy was in fact contributing to the one thing he hated more than anything else.

    The realisation must’ve been un-pear-able for him!

    As for the names of the individual bulging beauties? I asked several employees of the gallery, but was unable to establish the facts. Fortunately, an impish tough guy who was hanging out in the park informed me they’re named Pears Akerman, Pear Danes, Selma Pear, Peary Bickmore, Ric Pear and two members of pop rock group the Pear Naked Ladies.

    Although maybe he had simply succumbed to pear-pressure and was just after a cheap laugh.

  • The Big Coins, Deakin, ACT

    The Big Coins, Deakin, Australian Capital Territory

    Oh don’t mind me, I’m just hanging out with my good mate Fiddy Cent. No, not the hip hop luminary, which is a good thing because I don’t need to get into another gang turf war. I’m talking about the Big Coins, who currency live outside the Royal Australian Mint.

    The Coins certainly offer bang for your buck, because there are eight of them. The leftmost disc doesn’t count, because it simply signifies the year the Mint was opened – 1965. The rest represent each of Australia’s decimal coins, including the 1c and 2c pieces, which were discontinued in 1992. Hopefully they never change the lineup.

    I’m not going to mints my words – the resemblance to the real coins is uncanny. A quick look at the 2c, 20c and $1 coins brings memories of the Big Frilled Neck Lizard, Big Platypus and Big Kangaroo flooding back. You can bank on being impressed!

    The mint has produced more than 15 billion coins since opening, and is also a favourite excursion destination for Aussie schoolkids. After watching a thrilling documentary on the history of decimal currency, it’s possible to mint your own $1 coin for the bargain price of $3. Makes cents!

    A quick note, there aren’t any – teehee!

  • The Big Bogong Moths, Acton, ACT

    The Big Bogong Moths, Acton, Australian Capital Territory

    You’ll be drawn to these winged wonders like a moth to a flame! The Big Bogong Moths rest peacefully beside the Australian Institute for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Studies. Based on a design by indigenous artiste Jim Williams, and crafted by Matthew Harding, they celebrate the history of the local Ngunnawal people.

    No, no, no, the Ngunnawal aren’t some sort of human-moth hybrid tribe, they simply revere bogongs – as we all should.

    There are six monstrous moths, and the concrete cuties cemented their place in the hearts of Canberrans in 2001.

    The Bogongs are best seen from the sky, but with drones banned in the area, I called up my good chum – and self-confessed Big Thing tragic – Scott Morrison, then-Prime Minister of Australia, to see if he could help out.

    “Bigs, the preservation and recording of our wonderful Big Things and roadside attractions is the most important issue facing this country,” Scotty told me in a lengthy and, at times, rambling conversation. “There’s a Black Hawk chopper out the back, do you want that?”
    “Sounds great, Scotty,” I replied. “Just as long as the propellers don’t mess up my hair!”
    “Anything for you, Bigs. Need a tank?”
    “Only if those nutters who claim the Big Banana is the oldest Big Thing keep it up!”

    Oh, how we laughed! Then Scotty and I spent a splendid afternoon visiting the nearby Big Thorny Devil, Big Coins and Big Pears.

    “Shouldn’t you be running the country rather than racing around admiring oversized roadside attractions with me?” I asked Scotty as we crawled through the Big Acorns together.
    “No, shouldn’t you be running the country rather than racing around admiring oversized roadside attractions with me?” Scotty quipped back.

    Oh, how we laughed!

  • The Big Flower, Ourimbah, NSW

    The Big Flower, Ourimbah, New South Wales

    If it’s wrong for a 38-year-old man to dress up as a pansy and dance in front of The Big Flower, then I don’t want to be right. What can I say – this daisy is drivin’ me crazy!

    As tall as he is handsome, the Big Flower has a kitschy charm and refreshing innocence that’s granted him cult status on the Central Coast. For decades he’s welcomed visitors to to this subtropical paradise. One glance at that big, happy grin is enough to know that all is well in the world.

    The plucky perennial smiles happily at drivers along the M1 freeway, so you don’t need to be a palm reader to find him. Simp-tree take the Ourimbah exit and there he is – I’m sure you can fig-ure it out!

    After taking some happy snaps, spring into the Big Flower Nursery, which has thousands of flowers set out in neat rose. The staff dafodil-igently water them every day, and it’s quite a cycad-venture to roam through. The prices are quite reasonable, if you’re watching your frangi-pennies.

    If you’re after a light ca-meal-ia, the on-site cafe offers a scrumptious selection of sweets. Apparently the scones are gerani-yum!

    The Big Flower is not aloe-n on the Central Coast. Ploddy, Frilly, Lizzo and Daryl are just a few minutes drive south. Alan Davidson’s Balls are on the short drive into Gosford, where you’ll find the Big Poppies. They all hope to bank-seeya soon. Or should that be bloom?

    I’m not dande-lyin’ when I say I wish the Big Flower was jas-mine!

  • The Big Axe, Box Hill, NSW

    The Big Axe, Box Hill, New South Wales

    Wood you like to visit a towering tomahawk and grab a load of quality kindling at the same time? I’ll go out on a limb and take that as a yes, so hatchet a plan to swing by Big Axe Firewood in beautiful Box Hill!

    The Axe lives beside busy Windsor Road, ready to welcome anyone lumbering along. He’s behind a fence, so I asked the nice lady in the chop if I could take a few happy snaps. She said yes and didn’t even ask me to stump up cash for the honour!

    As you can see, I was dressed pretty sharply for the occasion. Did I cut it as a big, rugged lumberjack in my flannel tunic? Chop chop with your answer, I don’t want to have to axe you again???

    The Axe looks fantastic and is almost as large as his twin up north in Kew. His owners obviously love him, because he’s been freshly painted and the yard he’s in is well maintained. I just hope he doesn’t hook up with the Hardware Man and try to lop down the nearby Big Koala‘s tree!

    For more information on this massive marvel without having to cleave home, log on to the Big Axe’s website. You could even send him a tree-mail. Don’t worry, there are no hackers on there!

    The Big Axe is, quite surprisingly, single. He is, however, hoping to find a girlfriend on the popular dating app Timber.

  • The Big Strawberry, Luddenham, NSW

    The Big Strawberry, Luddenham, New South Wales, Australia

    Yes, I know, I never seem to age, but sadly the same can’t be said about the Big Strawberry. With peeling paint and a wilted stem, she’s one of the most pip-iful Bigs I’ve ever encountered. The strawberry emporium she promotes is closed, and a darkness has descended upon the village of Luddenham.

    Honestly, if the Big Strawberry were any gloomier, she’d be a blueberry.

    She once had such huge dreams. To appear in the video for Strawberry Kisses, marry the Big Pineapple, and be the first resident of Luddenham to finish high school. Just as I never realised my dreams of starring in Gilmore Girls, the Strawberry was forced to shoot for simpler goals. These days she’s in a poor state and has been dumped by the side of a road in western Sydney.

    You may think this would cause a strawberry traffic jam, but no. It seems the good people of the west have forgotten about this fruit. Ex-straw-dinary, I know, but true.

    To make matters worse, Koonoomoo’s Big Strawberry – the world’s largest – has gone on to become a darling of the Big Thing world. Even Gordon Shumway, who loves Bigs one and all, had to be coaxed out of the car with the promise of being able to eat a local cat.

    I wanted to give the Strawberry a cuddle and tell her everything would be vine, but the height of the structure she’s perched on precluded that. That was the last straw for me!

    Luddenites say that at night, when the wind blows softly, they can hear the Big Strawberry weeping. Hopefully her salad days will return.

  • The Big Koala, Doonside, NSW

    The Big Koala, Doonside, New South Wales, Australia

    What’s cute, cuddly, and widely beloved despite being considered daggy by zoomers? These three guys right here! Sardonic alien Gordon Shumway joined me on this visit to Featherdale Wildlife Park, where we met the un-bear-ably handsome Big Koala.

    He’s not the biggest arboreal herbivorous marsupial around – that distinction goes to the Giant Koala in Dadswells Bridge, Victoria. But he’s 1.5 metres tall and made from high-koalaty materials, so I think he koalafies. Honestly, would you like to have a furr-ocious fellow that size slowly following you? Didn’t think so!

    As a tiny zoo swamped by the endless banality of suburbia, Featherdale is a throwback to a more innocent time. The Big Koala fits in well, because he’s simple and homely. I assume he arrived around 1972, when the park opened, making him one of Australia’s oldest Bigs. There have been numerous attempts to turn the park into housing, but the locals fought against its claws-ure.

    The Big Koala’s pouch-standing popularity proved inspirational to many nearby businesses. The Big Chook, Big Axe and Big Roller Skate are all within a short gallop.

    Dozens of world-famous celebs such as Leo DiCaprio, Bobby De Niro, Fatty Vautin, and the irresistible Taylor Lautner have spent time with the Big Koala. I saw the manager taking down Gwen Stefani’s photo to make room for this happy snap of Gordon and I. Unfortunately Ko-Ali G, Leaf Cassidy and pop group U-calyptus 2 haven’t visited yet.

    Featherdale is also home to quokkas, crocs, kangaroos and penguins. It’s possible to take a selfie with them, but why bother when there’s an awesome Big out the front? And sorry, ladies, but the little furry alien was a one-time deal ?

    The three of us had a mar-super-ial time together. We even enjoyed a piña koala or two!

  • The Big Pencil, Newcastle, NSW

    The Big Pencil, Newcastle, New South Wales

    2B or not 2B, that is the question. And the answer, of course, is not 2B, as the perky Pencil is clearly an HB, the most princely on the graphite grading scale.

    Positioned beneath the jaw-droppingly beautiful Nobbys Lighthouse along Newcastle’s eastern beaches, he doubles as a seat from which to enjoy this glorious part of the world. Despite what you may think, the area’s not sketchy at all!

    And don’t worry, this scribbly sensation won’t be going anywhere, because he’s stationary. Now that’s worth writing home about!

    I’ve been lead to believe the Big Headphones and Ossie the Mossie are nearby, but what about a Big Sharpener? I’d hate for this crazy crayon to get blunt!

    Time to pencil in a visit to Newie, Big Thing lovers!

  • The Big Playable Guitar, Narrandera, NSW

    The Big Playable Guitar, Narrandera, New South Wales

    For more than a decade, the far-flung village of Narrandera was the centre of the Big Thing universe. As home to the World’s Largest Playable Guitar – a 5.82m-long acoustic axe that fascinated music lovers and Thing-o-philes alike – the region’s economy boomed. Then the unthinkable happened, and it all came crashing down. This is the story of how the music almost died.

    Looking to promote the Country Music Club of Narrandera, local guitar guru Robert Palmer (who may or may not be the Simply Irresistible dude) spent more than 300 hours carefully crafting the bodacious banjo, before presenting it to the public in 1988. Headbangers, country bumpkins and wannabe rock gods put aside their differences as they teamed up to play the fully-functional fiddle, which is so big it requires a small team of musicians to play it.

    When the Guitar was listed in the 1991 edition of the Guinness Book of Records, the town’s pubs were drunk dry in celebration. Tourism reached record highs and every road led to Narrandera. There was even talk of building an international airport with direct flights from Shanghai and Wagga Wagga to cope with the sightseers. The owners of the other Big Guitar could only look on with envious eyes. 

    But, as pop legend Bob Dylan once warbled, “The times, they are a-changin’”, and darkness descended upon Narrandera in 2000. And I’m not talking about Y2K, although many locals did unplug their toasters as a preventative measure against them gaining sentience and chasing them around the kitchen.

    Don’t mess with Texas

    Proving that everything is indeed bigger in Texas, a bunch of rowdy students from the Academy of Science and Technology in Conroe built an immense, 13.3-metre-long playable guitar and cruelly snatched the record. Conroe got the tourists. Conroe got the fame. Sadly, Conroe even got the international airport with direct flights from Shanghai and Wagga Wagga.

    The unveiling of the Big Tennis Racquet in nearby Barellan was a further humiliation for the townsfolk, who were often the subject of cruel taunts from their northern neighbours. Not surprisingly, they soon reached break point.

    The people of Narrandera were left with nothing but the shirts on their backs (which were, shockingly, emblazoned with the words ‘World’s Largest Playable Guitar’ and thus rendered unfashionable). The town never fully recovered from the tragedy, and when I visited a palpable atmosphere of depression and defeat engulfed Narrandera like a thick fog. I struggled to locate the huge ukelele, because locals burst into tears when I asked about it.

    Yesterday’s guitar hero

    After discovering the Guitar had been sequestered away to the Narrandera Visitor Information Centre, I trotted inside and was led out the back by a very pleasant volunteer. The Guitar didn’t string me along, and we shared a chord-ial greeting. He may be the second-biggest playable guitar, but, with his handsome plywood body and carefully-painted details, he’s number one in my heart!

    I plucked up the courage to play with him and, with the assistance of a rambunctious local granny, banged out a rousing rendition of Old Time Rock and Roll. As we segued seamlessly into The Crocodile Rock, local shopkeepers and students swept in through the front doors, surprised but delighted to hear the Guitar playing once again. Narranderans jived and gyrated as our playing became wilder, and the gloom that had consumed the town lifted.

    With sweat pouring down my face and the final echoes of my hour-long interpretation of Stairway to Heaven fading in the twilight, I felt a firm but friendly hand on my shoulder. Turning, I was met by an impish man in a broad, black hat – my good mate, roadside attraction-loving country music legend Lee Kernaghan. We embraced in front of the Big Playable Guitar as our admirers cheered us on.

    Lee, me, and the Guitar make three!

    “We need to stop cuddling in front of Big Guitars,” I beamed when we finally came up for air.

    “Bigs,” Lee Kernaghan rasped, with tears in his eyes. “Look at what you’ve done! You’ve brought life and love back to Narrandera. You’ve saved the bloody town, mate.”

    “Firstly, Lee Kernaghan, I don’t care for your colourful language,” I snapped. “You’re a talented songwriter who can surely find more appropriate ways to express yourself. And anyway, the Big Playable Guitar is the true hero of this story. I’m just a vagabond with a heart of gold, travelling the land to cast light upon the trials and tribulations of our beautiful Bigs.”

    “My apologies, Bigs. You’re right as always. Do you want some more of these Country Music Awards? I won another eight this year and they’re just piling up. I’ve been using them to tip waiters.”

    And so, with a song once more in the heart of every Narranderan, Lee Kernaghan and I climbed atop my scooter and burnt out in the endless night. With our smiles cutting through the darkness and only the stars to guide us, we chased our next Big adventure.

  • The Big Tennis Racquet, Barellan, NSW

    Serving as a monument to Wimbledon champion and Barellan local Evonne Goolagong Cawley, the 13.8-metre-tall Big Tennis Racquet is a real grand slam and I’m sure you’ll love (it) all!

    Locals were courting the idea of a towering tribute to their tennis treasure for years, and made such a racquet that they netted themselves a Big! This wonderfully-realised statue was unveiled in October 2009 during Barellan’s Centenary celebrations, and is a 20:1 scale replica of Vonnie’s famed wooden signature Dunlop racquet.

    ‘The Sunshine Supergirl’ won 14 majors to become one of the greatest tennis players of all time but could never hold this supersized sports equipment because she is, ironically, quite a diminutive lass. Yes, that was a backhanded compliment!

    Along with a handsome 1.25-metre-wide tennis ball (take note, whoever is responsible for Westbury’s Big Wickets) the Big Tennis Racquet forms a Doubles Team even the Woodies would be envious of. He lives by the side of Barellan‘s sleepy main street, so you won’t be strung along trying to find him. Sorry, it was my fault for that bad joke!

    If, like me, you have three left feet and are drawn more to the arts than sports, the Big Playable Guitar is just down the road at Narrandera – rock on!

    The only small annoyance is that some silly goose planted a decorative bush in baseline-of-sight of this Big, making photos slightly more difficult than they should be. Hopefully they twig to this issue and remove the shrub beforehand it causes further problems.

    Take advantage of the Barellan hospitality, because you’ll have a ball visiting the Big Tennis Racquet. My rating? Ten out of Tennis!

  • Stanley the Emu, Lightning Ridge, NSW

    Everybody’s heard about this bird, which isn’t surprising because Stanley’s 18 metres tall and one of the nest-looking Big Things around. Yes, he’s aviary nice chap indeed!

    The elegant emu was lovingly crafted by local artist John Murray out of old VW Beetle bonnets and doors, then placed atop a stunning steel girder. This gem took up residence on the outskirts of the opal-mining village of Lightning Ridge in 2013, but he was o-Ridge-inally destined, quite appropriately, for Birdsville.

    “The tyranny of distance made it too expensive to truck him into Queensland,” Senhor Murray told a gobsmacked journalist from the Sydney Morning Herald.

    “The bloke in Birdsville wanted to call him Big Bird and put him out on the Birdsville Track in XXXX colours. I wasn’t too keen on painting my bird yellow and red, but even less enamoured about having my work used to promote beer. So the Ridge got him.”

    Oh, what flight have been!

    The best news is there could soon be more Bigs feather down the road… and I’m not talking about Murray the Cod. Walgett Council is holding a competition to encourage farmers to build their own roadside attractions, with the wing-er to receive $10,000. They might have to change the name from Lightning Ridge to Big Thing Ridge!

  • Nala the Big Whale, Hervey Bay, QLD

    She’s a sexy humpback
    Them other Bigs don’t know how to act
    I think she’s special, what a large humpback!
    Go visit Nala and don’t forget a snack

    Have a whale of a time and a blowhole lot of fun with Nala, the 22-tonne pride of Hervey Bay! The town is one of the best places on Earth for whale watching, but now you don’t need to risk a bout of sea sickness to admire a massive mammal.

    Nala was introduced to the communi-sea in 2012 to much finfare, with hundreds of whale-wishers blubbering with delight at her grand un-whaling. She’s a heartfelt tribute to her namesake, a much-loved whale who’s visited the region every year since 1992.

    The big bopper has to be marine to be believed, and wouldn’t look out of place at the Louvre or Guggenheim museums – if she’d fit! Just look at those intricate wooden details and all that shiny metal! I almost felt like I should’ve worn a tuxedo for our date!

    Ross Bradbury built the 11.5 metre-long, 8.3 metre-tall leviathan out of ironbark timber and stainless steel, and reckons he spent more than 250 hours on the carving alone. He’s also the virtuoso behind Nala’s son Nolan, a smaller whale who lives at the neighbouring WetSide Water Park.

    “I feel really lucky to be a part of it,” Ross whaled to a bemused journo from the Courier Whale… oh, sorry, the Courier Mail.

    Whales and Pelicans and Criminals… Oh My!

    The Queen of the Fraser Coast is just one of many Big Things in the region, with fellow water-dwellers Pete the Pelican and the Big Shell to the south, boozy buddies the Big Rum Bottle and Darrel the Barrel to the north, and the legendary Matilda a short drive inland. The suave and handsome Big Ned Kelly – often rumoured to be a suitor of Nala – is shacked up at nearby Maryborough.

    If you’re planning to get spout-and-about, the good news is you don’t have to pay to see Nala – that’s right, a visit is free, Willy!

    Many thanks to local fisherman and lifelong Big Thing admirer Dickie Ham, who acted as my tour guide. He’s a perfect gentleman and quite the twinkle toes. Who would’ve though Hervey Bay would have such a vibrant salsa scene?

  • The Big Mango, Bowen, QLD

    The Big Mango, Bowen, Queensland, Australia

    He’s absolutely mango-nificent, but this tropical treat has flirted with scandal to become one of the most controversial Bigs around. The Big Mango, who lives beside the Visitor Information Centre, stands a regal 10 metres tall and was erected in 2002 as a tribute to Bowen’s ebullient agricultural industry.

    He cost $90,000, weighs in at seven tonnes, and is modelled after the delicious Kensington Pride variety of mangoes. Yum, yum, yum – he’s just fruit-iful! So how did it mango so wrong?

    It was a case of Bowen, goin’ gone when the Mango mysteriously disappeared one dreary day in February 2014. Horrified locals woke up with a mango-sized hole in their hearts amid reports a group of spiteful hooligans had loaded the Mango onto a truck during the night. The story hit the headlines around the world, search parties were formed, and a nation sat silently by their telephones, mouths agape, praying for good news.

    Where did he man-go?

    Was it Al-Quaeda, intent on toppling the West by Big-napping all our wonderful roadside attractions? Or maybe diehard fans of the Big Watermelon, whipped into a fury due to their martyr being overshadowed by a newer and hipper Big? Or perhaps the Big Pineapple, Big Banana and Big Strawberry would be next, to create an even larger Big Fruit Bowl?

    But a few things didn’t add up. Firstly, pinching a house-sized fiberglass mango is a little harder than swiping a fistful of grapes from Bowen Woolworths (which isn’t difficult at all, to be honest). Secondly, the Information Centre failed to report the theft to police, instead going straight to the media. And then there were the sightings of enormous mangoes around the country, including one in the main street of Melbourne, some 2,500km away. What was mangoing on?

    When the Big Mango was discovered by astonished locals in a field out the back of Bowen, covered by palm fronds, the game was up and the story began to unravel.

    The nightmare unravels

    “There’s an old road that leads up into the scrub from the back of the information centre,” appalled Mango devotee ‘Bob’ told ABC Radio. “What they’ve done is put it on a truck and taken it up there and laid it on its side in the bush, and they’ve covered it up with tree branches and shade cloths so nobody can see it. It’s a pretty hard thing to hide.”

    As Big-thusiasts from across the globe descended upon North Queensland hold a vigil by the globular giant’s side, Portuguese chicken ‘restaurant’ Nando’s came forward and took responsibility for the sickening stunt. Apparently it was all to promote a new mango chutney or something, but who cares, I’ll never step foot in one of their slop shacks after this ghastly deed. Some blame also rests on the local council because it takes two to mango.

    “The disappearance of Bowen’s Big Mango has generated quite a lot of attention over the last day or so and we confess… Nando’s was behind moving the three-storey high, ten tonne tourist attraction,” a deranged media release, obviously penned by a lunatic, said. “Nando’s would like to thank the people of Bowen for being good sports about us ‘borrowing’ their beautiful mango.” I’ve read more charming ransom letters.

    Such exploitation of a beautiful Big is completely unacceptable, and for the past seven years I’ve campaigned for all involved with Nando’s – from the owner of the company to the bloke who takes out the garbage – to be jailed for crimes against huge-anity.

    Things are Bowen to get better

    But, thankfully, some good has come from this nightmare. A slightly smaller, six-metre-tall replica of the Mango was shipped around Australia for publicity purposes, before being donated to the good people of Bowen. Small compensation for the trauma they suffered, yes, but it makes a great memorial to these tragic events.

    As I was admiring the marvellous mango, I encountered a handsome young gentleman named António who initially enthralled me with his good looks and jocular personality. I was, however, disgusted when he started taking some racy photos with Bowen’s Finest. My patience reached its limit when I discovered he was Portuguese, and almost certainly planning a second coup against this Australian icon.

    I trotted straight down to the nearest pub and alerted a few local tough guys as to what was going on, and they wasted no time delivering a severe beating to the perverted playboy. I don’t regret what I did for one minute.

    Today the Big Mango sits peacefully in the sun, reflecting on his wild ride and enjoying his infamy. Hopefully they have a full-time security guard watching him, because another kidnapping could make a mango crazy!

  • The Big Bulls, Rockhampton, QLD

    The Big Bulls, Rockhampton, Queensland

    For an unforgetta-bull experience, head to Rocky, where you’ll find multi-bull bulky bovines on display. All six Big Bulls have moo-vie star good looks and would love to meat you, so it’d be a mi-steak to miss them!

    The first two Bulls – a Braford by the Bruce Highway and a Brahman located on the main median strip in town – were con-chuck-ted in 1978 as a way to beef up tourism. They were designed by Hugh Granderson… sorry, Anderson, the legend behind the Big Cow, and the townsfolk were very shankful to have them.

    Udder-standably they proved so irresisti-bull that they were joined by a Santa Gertrudis in Frank Ford Park in 1985, and a Droughtmaster at the entrance to the airport in 1994. Rookie error, Rocky Council – if there’s a Big Thing by the airport, people will never want to leave!

    Public demand saw the Fab Four joined by a Romangnola, located in O’Shannesy Park, in 1997, and another Brahman – known as Forrest Rump – swaggered into Rockhampton in 2000 and set up camp at the roundabout on the southern entrance to the city. It sounds like a cock-and-bull story, but it’s true!

    Although they seem like typically ‘ocker’ fellas, the boys do, in fact, have an American cousin. Chromey, a bison of epic proportions, lives in Colorado. Say buff-hello to him if you’re nearby.

    I had plenty of fun exploring the sultry city of Rocky, which straddles the Tropic of Capri-horn, seeking out the Big Bulls. Sure, they’re not enormous, but they’re all very handsome and their sheer number makes them a must-see. But I guess you’ve already herd that!

    Please leave their balls alone!

    Unfortunately they also attract the dregs of society, with local troublemakers finding amusement in stealing the Bulls’ bulbous balls. This behaviour is reprehensi-bull, but we can console ourselves with the knowledge these ruffians will probably spend the rest of their lives in prison where there are few, if any, Big Things.

    It was my displeasure to meet one of these deranged imbeciles in the form of a Portuguese backpacker named António. Whilst seemingly gorgeous and charming at first glance, this pervert showed his true colours by stripping off in front of the Bulls and gyrating provocatively for photos. Dispica-bull!

    Thankfully a hurried call the the local consta-bull-ary saw António deported for his outrageous display of disrespect, and he’s Portugal’s problem now. I’ve spoken with Australian Immigration Minister and Big Thing sympathiser Alex Hawke at length about the situation, and he has assured me that António’s been banned from Australia for-heifer.

    Sorry to turn this into the punning of the bulls with all these terri-bull jokes!

  • The Big Rig, Roma, QLD

    “Bigs,” I’m sure you’re screaming, “the Big Rig – despite standing 140 metres tall and being an icon of the Maranoa Region – isn’t a Big Thing at all! He’s an actual oil drilling rig from the 1960s who was relocated to the centre of Roma in 2000 to attract tourists. If you’re going to include him, you might as well open the flood gates and induct large trucks, jumbo jets, wide-screen TVs and basketball players. Where does it stop, Bigs, where does it stop?”

    I share your concern and trust me, writing this entry was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’ve taken to the streets to protest claims the Big Banana is the oldest of the Bigs and waged bloody battles against those who won’t accept that the Big Bogan nothing more than a billboard due to being two-dimensional. He’s a sign, deal with it.

    Though not proud of it, I was arrested after an online discussion regarding Singleton’s Big Sundial turned nasty. Sundials can be any size, so a particularly large one isn’t a Big! But the Big Rig’s different.

    Unless you’ve clasped a Romanian farmer in your arms, his eyes welling with tears as he sobs that the Big Rig was the only thing that kept him going through years of drought; Until you’ve held the hand of a grandmother who only gets out of bed in the morning for the chance to worship the Big Rig; you don’t know how much this Big Thing means to the people of Roma. And I can’t take this away from them.

    And I guess the statue of major miner John Machado is pretty large.

    Rig-iculously large

    So important is the Big Rig to this proud outback community that they’re currently spending a couple of million dollars to add an observation tower to the surrounding complex. It’ll offer sweeping views of the Big Rig, mining museum, the sweeping new tree walk exhibit… and the sunkissed desert as well, I assume.

    If they build it big enough, you might even be able to see the Big Melon and the Big Sunflowers. It’ll be a drill-a-minute experience!

    Yes, this might come as a shock, but some things are more important than the strict guidelines regarding what does and does not constitute a Big Thing. Roma’s Big Rig, by entrenching himself as the beating heart of this rural community, has earned his place in the pantheon of oversized roadside attractions. He’s Big. He’s beautiful. He’s a Thing.

  • Alan Davidson’s Balls, Wyoming, NSW

    Have a bowl, have a bat. Howzat! Howzat! Add eight Bigs to your score – all balls!

    Alright, alright, settle down! You’ve had a good giggle at the name of these Bigs, now it’s time to take an in-depth look at Alan Davidson’s Balls. Oi, I said quit it!

    There are seven oversized cricket balls dotted around the picturesque Alan Davidson Oval, each emblazoned with a ‘Davo Fact’ such as how many home runs the eponymous cricket superstar hit. It’s certainly fun to wander around the grounds, occasionally spotting a big, shiny ball peeking shyly through the bushes.

    The world was exposed to Alan Davidson’s Balls in 2015, when artist Margrete Erling – who also delivered the nearby Big Poppies – threw them into the scrum. And as you can see, they look as pretty as a pitcher. At 80cm, these aren’t the largest balls I’ve encountered, but size isn’t everything. It’s all about the texture, the shape, and how much fun they are to sit on. Oh, grow up!

    They’ll bowl you over!

    There’s also a set of Big Stumps, but they pale in comparison to Westbury’s version and look like a bunch of rotting telegraph poles. Whilst I’m being a bit catty, the build quality of the Balls is atrocious and they’re falling apart. I assumed they were several decades old, and was appalled when I discovered they’re some of the youngest Bigs in Australia. Thanks, former mayor of Gosford Lawrie McKinna!

    For the tough guys, a lone Big Soccer Ball is also on display, and I made the most of it by turning up for my photo shoot in a festive sporting tunic. Look at me, all dressed up as a brawny footballer! Grrr, I’m Toni Lockett, run at me, bro! Actually, don’t run at me as I’m not one for physical activity or severe beatings.

    For those alpha males with a softer side, the Big Flower is only minutes away. You don’t have to be a pansy to visit!

    These balls really score a strike and, needless to say, I had a great time climbing all over Alan Davidson’s Balls. Ok, ok laugh it up, you big baby! Honestly, sometimes I don’t know why I bother.

  • The Big Strawberry, Koonoomoo, VIC

    The Big Strawberry, Koonoomoo, Victoria

    Let me take you down
    ‘Cause I’m going to Big Strawberry Fields
    The size is real
    And something to be amazed about
    Big Strawberry Fields forever

    Bright red and bursting with life, the Big Strawberry looks delicious enough to gobble up with a dollop of cream. But this blushing beauty is actually an unstoppable tough guy, having defeated a crazed cyclone in 2013.

    The turbulent tempest tore through Koonoomoo with unabashed enthusiasm, destroying four homes and shattering 12 others. A camper van was tossed 40 metres onto its roof, and the village was left looking like a cantankerous toddler’s bedroom. But the brawny Strawberry, long a source of inspiration for the townsfolk, stood tall against the wild winds.

    When survivors emerged, cowering, from the rubble, they saw their beloved Strawberry standing proudly in the gathering sunlight. Everything will be alright, he seemed to say, and the rebuilding process began. Since that day, not a single deranged downpour has dared darken the doorways of Koonoomoo.

    The cardinal cutie is one of the most straw-some Bigs the world has ever known. He’s shiny, delightfully textured, and very accessible. Fans can get up close and personal for a memorable and life-affirming photograph with the striking strawberry, and there’s even a deliciously retro sign with a hole to pop your happy little face through for the perfect holiday snap.

    Something new for Koonamoo

    The juicy giant started life in 2004, when Michael and Lorraine Hayes (along with their son Darren, the current owner) witnessed the popularity of the nearby Big Murray Cod and Big Cherry and decided to get in on the oversized action.

    It was a community effort to raise the six-metre-tall, five-metre-wide icon, with Cobram Plumbing bringing the steel frame and local workers preparing the mesh. The oar-some blokes from Competition Kayaks put up the fiberglass, before Barry Dickson from Barry Dickson Paint and Panel went to town with his brushes.

    Oh, and the scrumptious colour? Monza red, because Darren loves his Ford cars. I guess Fords are red, but I wouldn’t have a clue, I ride a scooter. I’ll paint my Big bright pink if Mum ever overcomes her aversion to having a ten-metre-tall concrete hamster in the front yard.

    The adjacent store boasts Big Strawberry t-shirts, magnets and socks, along with a wide selection of chutneys and relishes. Slather some melon and pineapple marmalade on a chunk of home-baked damper and thank me afterwards.

    Koonoomoo’s Big Strawberry really is one in vermilion. Even the Luddenham version doesn’t come close. I’d love to spend all day writing love ballads about this ruby rascal but honestly, I’m clutching at strawberries here.

  • Daryl Somersby the Croc, Somersby, NSW

    Daryl Somersby the Crocodile, Somersby, New South Wales

    Never smile at Daryl the Crocodile
    No, don’t get friendly with Daryl the Crocodile
    Don’t be taken in by his games and lark
    Or the fact he lives at the Aussie Reptile Park

    Never smile at Daryl the Crocodile
    Never kiss his handsome head and stop to talk awhile
    Never listen to his hopes and dreams
    Of gobbling up six football teams

    You may very well lose your body
    Just up the road from Frilly and Ploddy
    But there’s always a special time and place
    To look at that rugged, whimsical face
    And say, “I don’t care if he eats me, we just have to kiss!”
    Daryl’s one Big that you just can’t miss!

  • The Big Gold Pick and Pan, Grenfell, NSW

    The Big Gold Pick and Pan, Grenfell, New South Wales

    You can’t pan-dle the truth! Actually, you probably can, because it’s an indisputable fact that the Big Gold Pick and Pan are ri-pick-ulously magnificent! The cheerful chums were built by another legendary pair – Peter Mason and Tony Durham – under the supervision of the Grenfell Men’s Shed, in recognition of Grenfell’s history as a gold town.

    But first, a confession. When I was told about the Big Gold Pick and Pan several years ago, I misheard and believed the attraction to be the Big Gold Peter Pan. As a boy who refuses to grow up, I understandably made it my life’s ambition to meet my hero. Imagine my surprise when I turned up in Grenfell, resplendent in my green tights and felt hat, only to be met by a set of oversized gold mining implements!

    The ten-foot tools were up against it from the outset, but I’m happy to say they briskly dug their way into my heart. Yes, it might sound like I’m pan-dering to them and pick-ing favourites, but along with the Big Axe they’re the most glorious utensils I’ve ever met. I think even the Big Gold Panner would approve!

    A Bunch of Tools

    Despite the simple nature of the subjects (don’t tell them I said that!), the Pick and Pan are easy to take a photo with and easily accessible in the middle of vibrant Grenfell. In fact, they’re the centrepiece of a community-funded campsite, so it’s possible to sleep right next to them!

    As a keen camper I was never going to miss that opportunity, and shared a cheeky glass of Pinot noir with the Bigs as a stunning sunset painted Grenfell colours I can’t even describe. I turned in early, content with my day’s adventuring, but a funny thing happened during the night. Being so close to my friends, I could feel their presence and hear them calling to me – just as Ploddy has throughout my life.

    I visited them several times beneath the light of a silvery moon, until I eventually decided that resisting their siren song was futile. The Pick and Pan wanted a sleepover, so I grabbed my handsome wearable sleeping bag and snuggled in for the night. We gossiped, we sang pop songs, we opened up with secrets we’d never told anyone else.

    I can honestly say I’ve never had a more peaceful sleep. Come the morning, as the birds sand to awaken the people of Grenfell, I enjoyed a cup of coffee with the Big Pick and Pan, said a tearful goodbye, and regretfully left town. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

  • The Big Snake, Ayr, QLD

    Gabulla Munda, Ayr, Queensland, Australia

    There was a time, long before the age of man, when enormous creatures roamed the wasteland we now call Australia. From Tiddalick the Frog to Biladurang the Platypus, these behemoths filled the rivers with water, shaped the mountain ranges, and cast the stars into the sky. Dreamtime stories, passed down through a thousand generations, keep the history of our homeland alive.

    Gubulla Munda, a carpet snake of epic proportions, has been the protector of the Birri-Gubba people of North Queensland for millennia. Now he looks after the rest of us, too! This 60-metre-long totem was built in his honour in 2004, having been designed by local indigenous artists.

    You’re unlikely to find a longer or lovelier Big Thing, or one with so much hisssss-tory behind him. I’ve met hundreds of Bigs around the world, but the sheer size of this gentleman brought me to my knees. Ironic, seeing as he doesn’t have any!

    Gubulla looks absolutely wonderful, is well cared for and regularly repainted. The snake offers so many options for fun photos, because his friends are welcome to climb all over him. Just be respectful, not only because he’s a Big, but because of the cultural implications.

    Love is in the Ayr

    The Big Snake lives in a particularly happy corner of Queensland, which is full of good viper-ations. This cobra is a cutie and subsequently snakes any journey up north worth it.

    After snapping off some photos, do take time to explore the surrounding Plantation Park before heading off to see the nearby Big Watermelon, Big Pumpkin and Big Sardine Can. The area has long been a sacred site and burial ground for the local indigenous population, and there are a number of commemorative plaques. There’s even a cafe where you can purchase a meat pie-thon.

    An afternoon with Ayr’s Big Snake is time well serpent!