Tag: Vancouver

  • The Giant Raspberries, Abbotsford, BC

    The time is ripe to visit Abbotsford, the Raspberry Capital of Canada! There you’ll find a quintet of ravishing, robust, rubenesque Raspberries red-dy to roll into your heart.

    The Giant Raspberries were created by local artist Manjit Sandhu and sprouted out of the verdant British Columbian soil in late 2011. They decorate a roundabout a few minutes west of town where, not surprisingly, there’s been a surge in major car accidents in recent years.

    These blushing beauties are certainly stem-pressive atop their 65-foot vine, and are sure to make you rasp in delight. I felt berry small indeed when standing next to them! The Giant Raspberries were built for just $52,000 which, with the rising cost of living, will soon be less than an actual bunch of raspberries.

    The Giant Raspberries are the shining centrepiece of Abbotsford’s annual BerryFest. The highlight of the Candian social calendar, this agricultural extravaganza celebrates raspberries, blueberries and strawberries in equal measure. Food trucks, cider carts, a car show and a super scary zipline are just some of the attractions on offer during the three-day bonanza.

    There’s even a raspberry-themed bake-off, with the winner being widely lauded as a national hero and paraded through the streets of Vancouver. What a rasp-ectacle!

    She wore a Giant Raspberries beret
    The kind you find in an Abbotsford store
    Giant Raspberries beret
    And if it was warm she wouldn’t wear much more
    Giant Raspberries beret
    I think I love her

    I was fortunate to be a guest of honour at the most recent iteration of BerryFest, along with English actor Matt Berry, Aussie rap supergroup Raspberry Cordial, hard rockers Blueberry Oyster Cult and baseball star Darryl Strawberry.

    The crescendo came when we were wheeled out in front of thousands to compete in the famous raspberry pie-eating contest. The ornate trophy, inspired by the Giant Raspberries themselves, was matched only in grandeur by the piles of pies we sat behind.

    Peering around at my rivals, I saw fear in their eyes. Matt, who I briefly starred alongside in the popular British comedy Toast of London, has a notoriously fickle appetite and a poor history in competitive eating competitions. His robust sense of humour couldn’t help him here.

    The boys from Raspberry Cordial had been ladelling chutney into each other’s gullets only hours earlier, so they obviously weren’t taking things seriously. This would be one Taste Test that would leave them gagging!

    The Cult, meanwhile, had taken to smoking their pies and had wandered off to sit cross-legged on the grass, staring at their fingers.

    That left only long, tall Darryl, a gifted sportsman with a sad history of steroid abuse during his career. “Don’t worry, Mr Strawberry,” I smirked, “I’m sure there won’t be a drug test after this.”

    I was in his head and Darryl didn’t stand a chance. This man had stared down the meanest bowlers in baseball history, but he was nothing compared to the inimitable Bigs Bardot. The three-time World Series winner was reduced to a blubbering mess and the elegant trophy was mine!

    Then she turned up.

    She wore a Giant Raspberries beret
    The kind a Hollywood star probably wore
    Giant Raspberries beret
    She might’ve worn it in Monster’s Ball, but I’m not sure
    Giant Raspberries beret
    I think I love her

    The Academy Award slammed down on the table and my blood ran cold. Halle Berry was more beautiful than words can describe, radiating a healthy glow comparable to that of the Giant Raspberries themselves. Raspberry pie coated her scrumptious lips, but Halle was hungry for more.

    “I was hoping there’d be some actual competition this year,” Halle humphed, ignoring yours truly as she squirted whipped cream on the raspberry pies in front of her. “Start the timer, Big Mama’s famished.”

    Halle Berry must have hollow legs, because she taught us all how to eat that day. Fifteen pies, then 16, 17, 18. She was smashing the sweet treats like she smashes box office records.

    “Bigs,” Halle rasped between gluttonous mouthfuls, “I respect your dedication to Big Things and roadside attractions, but today you’re my bitch.”

    Collapsing halfway through my 10th pie, the last thing I saw before losing consciousness was Halle reaching over to my pile so that she could keep going.

    When I came to several hours later, BerryFest was over for another year. Halle had headed back to Hollywood with the gleaming pie-eating trophy and the respect of Abbotsford’s vibrant competitive eating community. Wiping raspberry-red drool from my chin, I spied something shining in the late afternoon sun.

    Halle mustn’t have had room in her satchel for two trophies, and had dumped the one that meant to least to her amongst a pile of wilting raspberries. I grabbed it as a consolation prize to soothe the turmoil of my failure. The Academy Award wasn’t the trophy I wanted, of course, but it was better than nothing.

    A gentle reminder to Halle Berry

    Halle, babe, whilst we shared a memorable afternoon together and I find you both beautiful and talented, I would appreciate it if you stopped calling me and liking all my posts on Instagram. Sure, I’m flattered, but your behaviour comes across as a little desperate. You know I’m not that way inclined.

  • A-maze-ing Laughter, Vancouver, BC

    A-maze-Ing Laughter, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

    What’s better than a half-naked contemporary Chinese artist with a great sense of humour and abs to die for? How about 14 half-naked contemporary Chinese artists with great senses of humour and abs to die for!

    A-maze-ing Laughter was created by bonkers Beijing-based artiste Yue Minjin, a chap so pleased with his own appearance that he created over a dozen clones and dropped them off at Vancouver’s English Bay.

    See Yue giggle! See Yue wiggle! Gasp in slack-jawed wonder at the spectacle of Yue throwing gang signs into the crisp British Columbian air! Visitors of all shapes and sizes enjoy frollicking with the Yue-mongous stat-Yues, each of which is three metres tall and weighs over 250kg.

    A-maze-ing Laughter is a stunning artwork thats’s both delightfully interactive and surprisingly thought-provoking. The bronzed boys are often dressed in fancy clothes during holidays, and are as much a part of the city’s rich culture as Digital Orca and the World’s Tallest Tin Soldier.

    Yue’s built a career on, well, himself. His most famous piece is a collection of photos of his cheery head with different hats on. Another painting depicts three naked Yues wrestling. There’s also a masterpiece that features Noah’s Ark, but with all the animals replaced by chuckling Yues. That’s versatility!

    But things aren’t always as jolly as they seem. “A smile doesn’t necessarily mean happiness,” Yue once told a gathering of beret-wearing art critics. “It could be something else.”

    Despite Yue’s ominous message, I wasted no time defrocking for a series of playful photos with the statues. The last time I had this much fun with a large group of half-naked Asian men was during my infamous ‘lost weekend’ in Pattaya in the mid-90s.

    Laughter is the best med-Yue-cin

    If you think Yue looks like a happy chappie, that’s because he was laughing all the way to the bank with this work of art. A-maze-ing Laughter was intended as a temporary display when it was installed in 2009, but proved so popular that the city of Vanc-Yue-ver decided they really, really wanted to keep it.

    Yue, who runs against Chinese stereotypes by being obsessed with money, asked for a cool $5 million – or $357,142.86 for each Mega-Me. Vancouver was a city divided – those intelligent and progressive enough to see that 14 statues of a grinning Asian gentleman were exactly what Canadians needed to spur them on to a new era of prosperity and greatness, and idiots who thought the money could be better spent on hospitals and schools and stuff like that.

    Tragically, the Boomers won and the city asked Yue to come and pick up his statues. Having just moved into a 25-square-foot studio apartment in the trendy Sanlitun neighbourhood of Beijing, and with his enviable collection of fedoras taking up much of his limited storage space, Yue was forced the people of Vancouver an offer they couldn’t refuse; $1.5 million for the lot.

    The deal was made and, finally, the people of Vancouver were able to call this extraordinary example of modern cynical realism their own. Alright, so the Canucks will still have to live with a few less teachers, nurses and firemen, but I think you’ll agree it’s worth it.

    Anyone who’s been the lucky recipient of a toothy grin from a Chinaman knows it’s impossible not to smile back – so it’s no wonder Vancouver is such a happy little place to visit!

  • Digital Orca, Vancouver, BC

    Digital Orca, Vancouver, British Columbia

    There’s a killer on the loose at the Vancouver waterfront, but nobody’s blubbering about it!

    Looking like he’s jumped out of a 1980s video game and into your heart, Digital Orca was created by the dashing Douglas Coupland and made a splash when fin-stalled in 2009. Flanked by the pristine waters of Vancouver Harbour and framed by the majestic North Shore Mountains, there are few more captivatingly unique Big Things.

    This extra-orca-nary example of urban art strikes a delicate balance between surrealism and hyperrealism. He’s at once an echo from pre-colonial times, and glimpse into an uncertain future. Shunning the sensual curves normally associated with waterborne mammals, this blocky brute proves it’s hip to be square.

    The art world has long been fascinated by whales, with the wood-and steel Nala in Hervey Bay and the quirky Moby Big in Port Stephens. I think the three of them should get together and start a podcast! 

    Best of all, admission is free, Willy!

    Electronic Light Orca-stra

    Digital Orca is a playful chap who seems to be having a whale of a time, but Coupland – author of emotionally-taxing novels Shampoo Planet and All Families Are Psychotic – sees more in this whale.

    “The Digital Orca sculpture breaks down a three-dimensional Orca whale into cubic pixels – making a familiar symbol of the West Coast become something unexpected and new,” Dougie ranted. “This use of natural imagery modified by technology bridges the past to the future.

    “It speaks to the people and activities that created Vancouver’s thriving harbour culture, while addressing the massive changes reshaping the BC economy. The sculpture’s metal construction and lighting components evoke the daily moods of the harbour and the diversity of those who work there.”

    I’m not sure things are as black and white as that, Dougie!

    An orca-ward situation with Baxter the Wonderdog

    Digital Orca has become a favourite spot for social media influencers to take digital photos, none more so than Baxter the Wonderdog.

    This handsome havapoo has gained a legion of admirers by mimicking Digital Orca’s playful posture. He’s considered royalty in Canada, enjoying a celebrity status comparable to my own in Australia.

    Upon discovering the world’s foremost expert on Big Things was in their midst, the Vancouver Tourism Board organised a promotional photography session with myself, Baxter and Digital Orca. What seemed like a dream come true soon became a nightmare, however. Baxter’s exuberant prancing and luscious fur captured the imagination of the gathered crowd, who were soon whipped into a frenzy.

    My own rhythmic thrusts were largely ignored, as the crowd trampled over me to get closer to Baxter. Everything was ‘Baxter this’ and ‘Baxter that’ and ‘You won’t believe what Baxter just did!’ My advertised lecture on the cultural significance of Digital Orca and his influence over the concept of the digital nomad’ was forgotten. The key to the city I’d been promised tossed into a bin.

    Even the sumptuous Japanese-and-Mexican fusion feast that had been laid out for lunch was dumped in a cheap plastic bowl and fed to Baxter who, I suspect, failed to recognise the cultural significance of of what he was eating. I left in tears as Digital Orca and Baxter the Wonderdog posed before the world’s media.

    Sadly, this wasn’t the first time I’ve been upstaged by a dog, nor, I fear, shall it be the last.

  • The Big Drill Bit, Vancouver, BC

    The Big Drill Bit, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

    This is not a drill! Please drop everything and make your way to the PetSmart store in north-eastern Vancouver. I repeat this is not a drill! What you’ll find when you reach the designated assembly point is a drill, however – The Big Drill Bit!

    Don’t ask me why a pet shop has a gargantuan gimlet out the front. The Canadians are a quirky bunch who shirk cultural norms, so I guess it makes sense to them. There’s probably a hardware shop somewhere with a big dog out the front. That’s just how they roll.

    Putting a new twist on urban art, the Big Drill is the centrepiece of a shopping complex designed to reinvigorate a run-down corner of the city – much as the Tin Soldier has done in New Westminster. The designers had wanted to feature the complete power drill, but couldn’t find an extension cord long enough.

    The Big Drill Bit lives amongst some overgrown hedges by a busy road, and it’s not uncommon to see revheads tooling around in front of it. An afternoon with this silver fox is a drill-a-minute experience, and certainly not boring!

    Screw, Me and Dupree

    Draping myself around the Big Drill Bit’s voluptuous curves for an erotic selfie, I noticed a slender figure with a mop of shaggy blonde hair heading my way. At first I thought it was my old chum Ellen DeGeneres, whose Emmy Award-winning daytime chat show I’d been a recurring guest of for several years.

    Once I saw the crooked nose and effeminate mannerisms, however, I realised it wasn’t Ellen DeGeneres at all.

    “Hey, guy, you know what this reminds me of? The comedy classic Drillbit Taylor,” the character ranted.  “Highly underrated movie with a standout performance by… gosh darn it, what was his name? Handsome man, exceptional actor.”

    “Owen Wilson?”

    “Owen Wilson, that’s right! Geez, how could I forget Owen Wilson? He’s been in a range of blockbusters such as Zoolander and Wedding Crashers, as well as the critically-acclaimed arthouse films Midnight in Paris and The Royal Tenenbaums. That just goes to show that, not only is Owen a bankable star, but he also possesses the emotional range and comic timing to rank him amongst the greatest actors of his generation.”

    I rolled my eyes, realising that my relaxing afternoon with The Big Drill Bit had come to a premature end. “You’re Owen Wilson, aren’t you?”

    “Yes sir, I am.”

    “And you hang out by the Big Drill Bit so that you can remind people that you were in the forgettable 2008 film Drillbit Taylor?”

    “Correctamundo, and that ‘forgettable film’ earned $49.7 million at the box office.”

    “Against a production budget of $40 million, Owen, meaning it was both a commercial and critical failure. Twenty-seven percentage fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, if I’m not mistaken.”

    “Twenty-six, but Rotten Tomatoes is notoriously inaccurate for movies predating its ascent into the cultural zeitgeist.”

    “I have a feeling it’s quite accurate in this instance, Owen.”

    Drillbit Failure

    Owen Wilson’s obsession with Drillbit Taylor didn’t make for riveting conversation, so I packed up my camera gear as a gentle prompt for him to leave. He may be a charming actor, but Owen Wilson obviously struggles to read social cues, as he just kept on blabbering.

    “So, I was thinking I could play you, the inimitable Bigs Bardot, in the film adaptation of Land of the Bigs.”

    “Owen, please, you’re embarrassing yourself,” I sighed  “You know that Channing Tatum has already been cast.”

    Owen Wilson’s shoulders slumped, and he buried his face within the Big Drill Bit’s killer curves so that I wouldn’t see the tears in his aquamarine eyes.

    “Maybe I could play the role of Owen Wilson in the part where you visit the Big Drillbit.”

    “Again, Owen, you know that role has already been filled by your more talented sibling.”

    “Rebel Wilson?”

    “Yes, Rebel Wilson.”

    Oh, Mr Wilson!

    The sight of Owen Wilson weeping openly by the side of a highway on a wet Canadian afternoon will haunt me until my final days. He was just a handsome, multi-millionaire playboy trying to make it through this harsh world, and my heart went out to him.

    Cradling Owen in my brawny arms, I brushed his blond mop out of his eyes and planted a reassuring kiss on his forehead.

    “You know, Owen,” I said against my better judgement, “we haven’t cast anyone to play the Big Potato yet.”

    “Bigs, Owen Wilson gasped, rising to his feet and thrusting lewdly towards the traffic, “this will be the best $20 million you ever spent.

    “Settle down, Owen, we’re not even paying Leonardo DiCaprio that much to play the World’s Biggest Rolling Pin.”

    “Have your people talk to my people, baby. Now Bigs, I’d love to stand here all day talking about my illustrious career, but I have to go to the DVD launch of my latest heartwarming romantic comedy.”

    “Marry Me?”

    “Well, we’ve just met, but gosh darn, let’s do it!”

    And that, dear reader, is the story of my brief-yet-tumultuous marriage to Hollywood bad boy Owen Wilson.

  • The Viking, Burnaby, British Columbia

    The Viking, Burnaby North Secondary School, British Columbia, Canada

    Whilst the days of horned warriors raping and pillaging their way through the suburbs of Vancouver are largely behind us, one nordic bad boy still strikes terror into the hearts of those who oppose him.

    Thankfully The Viking, who guards the entrance to the prestigious Burnaby North Secondary School, saves his rage for any child foolish enough to compete against the local football team. It’s not uncommon for a 14-year-old tough guy to be ‘suddenly’ struck down by a mysterious illness after an encounter with the intimidating mascot, his remaining teammates too rattled to even put their sporting leotards on the right way.

    The Viking is more bark than bite, however, as it’s difficult to go on a murderous rampage without arms, legs or a torso. What he does have is quite wonderful, though – sixteen glorious feet of heavy metal, historically-inaccurate (and health code-violating) horns and attitude by the snekkja-load. He even boasts a hyper-realistic beard crafted from individual strands of steel wire!

    Does he make you horny, baby?

    The age of the Viking began in 1987, when shop teacher John Clarke started tossing around ideas to inspire his lethargic metalworking students, who were more interested in playing with their Game Boys than learning important life skills.

    Burnaby’s football team was an absolute disgrace at the time, so John – a self-confessed Big Thing tragic – decided to get his boys to weld an enormous helmet to inspire the squad to greatness.

    “I thought we could put the helmet out on the field and say, ‘Hey, just wait till the player shows up that fits this helmet,’” John told an understandably frightened pencil pusher from the local newspaper. In a perfect world, the World’s Tallest Tin Soldier would have run out to prop it atop his gigantic head, before scoring the winning goal. Go team!

    The students took to the task with such gusto that John told them to start building the rest of the Viking. More than 80 busy little boys and girls worked on the enormous norseman but, heartbreakingly, the allure of Super Mario and friends proved irresistible, and the project unravelled. The Viking lay half-finished and full of rage behind a pile of old textbooks until John sequestered him to his workshop to finish the job.

    There, beneath the quivering light of the silvery moon, John and a motley crew of former students and general well-wishers worked diligently on the epic task. Finally, in 1994, he was unleashed upon the unsuspecting community. Much like the bloodthirsty, depraved warriors he was modelled after, this Viking was a divisive character – but was ready to maraud his way into the hearts of millions.

    Sadly, he’s not to everyone’s viking…

    The bigoted hatespeech plundered in just moments after the Viking was erected. In a disgraceful display of white fragility not seen since the Battle of Assandun in 1016, a vile raid was declared on the very culture of north-eastern Vancouver. Burnaby was a suburb divided.

    “I opened the door this morning, and there it was, this big, black thing that reminded me of the devil,” a local creepazoid named Louie blathered to the school in a rambling and, at times, borderline racist phone call. “I’m appalled by that ugly monument and concerned that it will impact the value of the trailer I live in.”

    In an unlikely twist, it was Burnaby’s burgeoning Asian community who came to the rescue. A family only known as The Wongs rallied the community. Impassioned pleas to customers at their positively-reviewed Chinese restaurant and regular disruptions of local traffic followed.

    “Does he not recognise and understand the degree of hard work, commitment and pride that these students poured into the statue?” The Wongs pleaded. “The Viking is a magnificent piece of art and this Louie character should be ashamed of himself. Don’t bother coming in for our two-for-one chow mein special, available between 4pm and 6pm Mondays through Thursdays.”

    I guess that goes to prove that two Wongs do indeed make a right!

    Raiders on the storm…

    This terrifying titan isn’t out of the woods yet, though. He almost sailed off to Valhalla when the school was replaced in 2022, and there have been calls from the blue hair set to replace him with something less masculine.

    May I suggest a fifty-foot fire-breathing robot made out of old trucks and military helicopters, that blasts Guns ‘n’ Roses 24/7 and shoots beer and fishing tackle out of a doodle made from VHS cassettes of old Hulk Hogan wrestling matches – because that would STILL be less macho than a gigantic metal Viking!

  • The World’s Tallest Tin Soldier, New Westminster, BC

    The World's Tallest Tin Soldier, New Westminster, British Columbia

    Ah, Canadians, they’re so nice, eh! Just look at the charming grin and snappy tunic on the World’s Tallest Tin Soldier, who is about as far from an unbridled killing machine as you can get.

    Couldn’t you just pinch those chubby cheeks!

    Standing chin up, chest out, shoulders back, stomach in and 9.75 metres tall, this tin-credible specimen wears size 60 E27 boots and weighs an astonishing 4,540 kilograms. No wonder he’s wearing such old-fashioned clothing – the Canadian Army can’t find a uniform to fit him!

    The supersized serviceman is based on a replica of a Sergeant Major of the Royal Engineers Columbia Detachment. He was diligently designed and expertly manufactured by the Sheet Metal Workers International Association and the BC Sheet Metal Association. They even placed a time capsule deep within his tender heart.

    The World’s Tallest Tin Soldier first showed up for duty outside the Royal Westminster Regiment on November 29, 2000. He was redeployed to his current location beside the bustling River Market on February 14, 2002.

    Oh, what a Valentines Day that must have been for the grizzled fishermen and cargo handlers of the quay! Who wouldn’t like to come home from a long, sweaty day at sea and collapse into the loving arms of a gorgeous toy boy?

    Guiness Worlds Records wasted no time bestowing upon him the much-coveted title of World’s Tallest Tin Man. It is, to this day, considered the greatest achievement in Canadian history.

    I love a man in uniform!

    Drenched with rain, splattered with mud and swatting off the perils of frostbite, I felt like a brigadier in the Battle of Horseshoe Bay as I marched towards the World’s Tallest Tin Soldier.

    Oh, yes the young men who were brutally slaughtered during that depraved encounter had it rough. But, had they lived very, very long lives, they could not have expected, nor would they have wished to see, as much of the mad and macabre as I saw that day in New Westminster that day. Because the weather was pretty bad and I barely had a chance to pop out of the cafe between sips of my peach and cinnamon oolong tea to take some photos.

    It’s a sacrifice that I’m willing to make in order to serve you, dear lover of Big Things. Lest you forget.

    It was worth getting wet, however, because the Tin Soldier is wonderful! He’s perfectly positioned for a happy snap, very well maintained, and absolutely massive. Honestly, if I had to decide between a world without war and a world without the Big Tin Soldier, I’d make up my mind in a heartbeat.

    Everything, sadly, is bigger in Texas

    The World’s Tallest Tin Soldier may be a peaceful chap, but it seems like he has a fight on his hands. You see, there’s another Tin Soldier in Waco, Texas with a valid claim to being the world’s most statuesque metallic warrior. He’s a tin-spirational 24.384 from boots to bonnet, or around two-and-a-half times the size of this crimson cutie.

    As a refurbished incinerator – known, appropriately enough, as the Tincinerator – that legionnaire’s not quite as handsome. But wars are rarely decided by which army is the most adorable, and so I have to go over the heads of the team at Guinness World Records and declare him the tallest on the planet.

    The Canadians won’t like it, of course, but this is something I’m willing to fight and die for.