Leave it to Beaver to create a couple of the cutest, cuddliest critters you’ve ever seen! The handsome rodents call the local Shell gas station home, and the good people of Beaver – an eccentric village nestled high in the Mineral Mountains of Southern Utah – are just as proud as punch of them.
Nicknamed Justin and Sigourney by besotted locals, The Big Beavers sit abreast a comfy bench overlooking the snow-capped ranges. Whittled from locally-sourced lumber and sporting a cheeky, comical charm, they make for the perfect photo op.
No wonder the town was named after them – just look at those chubby cheeks!
Whilst neither beaver is as large as their famous counterpart in Australia, they have inspired a merchandising empire. The gas station offers a range of beaver-related nik-naks such as magnets and caps, but is best known for one particular item – their patented ‘I ♥️ Beaver’ shirts.
The tees seem like the perfect keepsake from a memorable vacation to Beaver, but have a darker side. The slogan is actually a tasteless pun, serving as a putrid commentary on the female form.
Honestly guys, grow up. You have two of the loveliest Bigs outside your front door to revere and exploit, but you’d rather wallow in the gutter of puerile wordplay. Those disgraceful garments better be gone next time I mosey through Beaver, or there’ll be trouble – and you’d better beav-lieve that!
And then I saw her face. Now I’m a Big Beaver!
Unfortunately, this particular Shell gas station has been the subject of several unsavoury reviews over the years. Local tough guys are known to seek out clueless goobers at the bowser, claim that their tyres have deteriorated, then lead them to the mechanic workshop across the way for an outrageously-priced new set.
It’s an otter disgrace, really.
Bigs Bardot, your fearless guide through the Land of the Bigs, is not an easy target. So when a chubby chap in a Utah Tech sloppy joe trotted over with a big smile on his face whilst I was pumping gas, I didn’t hesitate in taking him down with a perfectly-executed kimura clutch (taught to me by the late, great Kimbo Slice during one of our many visits to the License Plate Guitar in St George).
Whilst that devastating maneuver was enough to disable the crook, Bigella took it upon herself to beat him really quite severely with her purse. Well, don’t get between a fiery Latina and a couple of oversized mammals!
Minutes later, whilst a shocked yet enthralled crowd cheered us on, the thug rolled over, sighed in agony and held up a pen and paper with trembling hands.
“Bigs, Bigs, I just wanted an autograph, my guy!” he spluttered through a maw of broken teeth. “I’m a huge fan of your website and admire you on a personal and professional level. I knew that if I waited here by The Big Beavers long enough, you’d eventually turn up. It took six long years, but it was worth it. You’re an inspiration!”
Turns out he was just another infatuated fan. Oh, how we laughed at the misunderstanding!
Unfortunately, I can’t post the photos we took with our new friend as they’re rather unsettling. But I hope you had a great day, Chester, and best of luck with the recovery. The next 18 months of intense and invasive physiotherapy will fly by!
An Un-beaver-lievable Fact!
Beaver is the birthplace of country ‘n’ western bad boy Butch Cassidy, and Philo Farnsworth, the chap who invented television. But nobody really cares about them because they’re completely overshadowed by The Big Beavers.
