Whilst the days of horned warriors raping and pillaging their way through the suburbs of Vancouver are largely behind us, one nordic bad boy still strikes terror into the hearts of those who oppose him.
Thankfully The Viking, who guards the entrance to the prestigious Burnaby North Secondary School, saves his rage for any child foolish enough to compete against the local football team. It’s not uncommon for a 14-year-old tough guy to be ‘suddenly’ struck down by a mysterious illness after an encounter with the intimidating mascot, his remaining teammates too rattled to even put their sporting leotards on the right way.
The Viking is more bark than bite, however, as it’s difficult to go on a murderous rampage without arms, legs or a torso. What he does have is quite wonderful, though – sixteen glorious feet of heavy metal, historically-inaccurate (and health code-violating) horns and attitude by the snekkja-load. He even boasts a hyper-realistic beard crafted from individual strands of steel wire!
Does he make you horny, baby?
The age of the Viking began in 1987, when shop teacher John Clarke started tossing around ideas to inspire his lethargic metalworking students, who were more interested in playing with their Game Boys than learning important life skills.
Burnaby’s football team was an absolute disgrace at the time, so John – a self-confessed Big Thing tragic – decided to get his boys to weld an enormous helmet to inspire the squad to greatness.
“I thought we could put the helmet out on the field and say, ‘Hey, just wait till the player shows up that fits this helmet,’” John told an understandably frightened pencil pusher from the local newspaper. In a perfect world, the World’s Tallest Tin Soldier would have run out to prop it atop his gigantic head, before scoring the winning goal. Go team!
The students took to the task with such gusto that John told them to start building the rest of the Viking. More than 80 busy little boys and girls worked on the enormous norseman but, heartbreakingly, the allure of Super Mario and friends proved irresistible, and the project unravelled. The Viking lay half-finished and full of rage behind a pile of old textbooks until John sequestered him to his workshop to finish the job.
There, beneath the quivering light of the silvery moon, John and a motley crew of former students and general well-wishers worked diligently on the epic task. Finally, in 1994, he was unleashed upon the unsuspecting community. Much like the bloodthirsty, depraved warriors he was modelled after, this Viking was a divisive character – but was ready to maraud his way into the hearts of millions.
Sadly, he’s not to everyone’s viking…
The bigoted hatespeech plundered in just moments after the Viking was erected. In a disgraceful display of white fragility not seen since the Battle of Assandun in 1016, a vile raid was declared on the very culture of north-eastern Vancouver. Burnaby was a suburb divided.
“I opened the door this morning, and there it was, this big, black thing that reminded me of the devil,” a local creepazoid named Louie blathered to the school in a rambling and, at times, borderline racist phone call. “I’m appalled by that ugly monument and concerned that it will impact the value of the trailer I live in.”
In an unlikely twist, it was Burnaby’s burgeoning Asian community who came to the rescue. A family only known as The Wongs rallied the community. Impassioned pleas to customers at their positively-reviewed Chinese restaurant and regular disruptions of local traffic followed.
“Does he not recognise and understand the degree of hard work, commitment and pride that these students poured into the statue?” The Wongs pleaded. “The Viking is a magnificent piece of art and this Louie character should be ashamed of himself. Don’t bother coming in for our two-for-one chow mein special, available between 4pm and 6pm Mondays through Thursdays.”
I guess that goes to prove that two Wongs do indeed make a right!
Raiders on the storm…
This terrifying titan isn’t out of the woods yet, though. He almost sailed off to Valhalla when the school was replaced in 2022, and there have been calls from the blue hair set to replace him with something less masculine.
May I suggest a fifty-foot fire-breathing robot made out of old trucks and military helicopters, that blasts Guns ‘n’ Roses 24/7 and shoots beer and fishing tackle out of a doodle made from VHS cassettes of old Hulk Hogan wrestling matches – because that would STILL be less macho than a gigantic metal Viking!
