Why, the Bigs are only the most wonderful, cute, charismatic roadside attractions in the whole wide world! More than 700 colossal creatures, fantastic fruit and humongous humans inhabit every corner of Australia. From the Big Snake in Ayr, Queensland to the Big Penguin in Penguin, they stand guard over the country’s highways and keep our citizens safe. They’re much-loved pillars of their communities, and Aussies love taking happy snaps with them.

Each Big has his, her or xir own distinct and quirky personality. Some are brash and confident, with a debonair swagger. Others are shy and unassuming, and it can take years to build a rapport with them. No matter how old they are, how popular or in what state of disrepair, every Big has a story. It’s my pleasure to bring them to you.

The oldest of these majestic sculptures, the splendid Ploddy the Dinosaur, ambled into our hearts in 1963. Her wild popularity inspired entrepreneurs across the continent to create their own incredible icons. After falling out of favour with the public during the 90s, Big Things are now the hottest tourist destinations in the country. They truly are Australia’s contribution to world culture.

As Australia’s foremost expert in Big Things, and the greatest friend our wonderful oversized attractions have ever known, I’ve set out the rules for what does – and does not – constitute a Big. Whilst others have outlined inferior rules, they usually come with an agenda. Most notably so they can back-up preposterous claims that the Big Banana was the very first Big Thing. Sorry, but that story is as bent as the fruit it’s based upon!

I’ve been involved in a number of really quite sickening fist fights with those who erroneously

The Official Rules of Bigness

1. A Big should be larger than the object, creature or person it’s based upon – but there are exceptions. Lifesize monuments based on enormous animals like whales or dinosaurs count, due to their immense size. A Big can even be smaller than its inspiration. For example, The Rock at Tea Gardens was a fraction the size of the original Ayer’s Rock, but counted as it was an awe-inspiring 90 metres long. Discretion must be used, but you’re barking mad if you think the Dog on the Tucker Box is a Big.
   
2. A Big must be a permanent attraction. If it’s an art exhibit on display for a limited time or a parade float that’s packed away at the end of the day, it’s not a Big. Of course, Matilda, Lefty and Buffy transcended this rule once they found their forever homes. Pete the Pelican can still be taken out on joyrides, but is most certainly a Big due to being locked in place the vast majority of the time. Bigs move us, but they shouldn’t be moved.
   
3. A Big must be three-dimensional, otherwise it’s just a sign. This one should be obvious. I’ve received much hate mail from admirers of the Big Bogan but let’s face it – he’s a glorified billboard due to his two-dimensional nature. If we let the likes of him in, we might as well fling open the doors to wall murals, graffiti and advertising blimps – and that’ll happen over my dead body.
   
4. A Big can’t simply be a really large example of an object that has no set size. I hate to throw shade, but even though Singleton’s Big Sundial is the largest in the world, sundials don’t have a regulated size. You could make one 100 metres tall, which would be wonderful, but it would still just be a sundial. Alright, alright, I inducted the Big Rig despite it just being a really large oil drilling thing. It was during an emotional time of my life that I’d rather not talk about.
   
5. A Big must be a bespoke creation. It can be a copy of another Big Thing, but must be an original design with its own quirks. That rules out Queensland’s numerous copycat Big Rum Bottles, hundreds of big promotional mufflers, and all those oversized koala and gorilla statues out there. Fun to take photos with, sure, but not Bigs.
   
6. Natural features can’t be Bigs. If a mountain range really looks like a donkey, it’s not the Big Donkey. It’s a mountain range that looks like a donkey. The only one who ends up being a Big Donkey here is you!
   
7. No Big is older than Ploddy. Just stop it! The Big Banana is the second oldest, alright! I’ll no longer argue this point with the big, bruised bananas at the Big Banana, or their overripe bunch of sycophants. Not just because there are some very specific legal restrictions preventing me from doing so, but because of their flagrant disregard for the truth.