Scrambling through the heaving valleys of deepest Guatemala, Bigs Bardot and his plucky sidekick Bigella Fernandez Hernandez approached their fate. They paused momentarily in the shadow of El Volcán de Pacaya – a wisp of smoke drifting languidly from its peak – and surveyed the mangled landscape.
Their journey to the ancient realm of Finca el Amate, foretold by the stars for eons, had only one intent. To confront the hideous beast who had cast a black cloud over these lush, green hills: the dragon known as Icus Kanan.
(Well, and to have a scrumptious slice of chocolate cake at the Finca’s well-appointed café – don’t skimp on the whipped cream, Francisco!)
After much searching, they spied the leviathan, his gaze unyielding, stationed high upon the fractured earth. Of course, they could have simply copied the directions from the Finca’s easily-navigatible website, but that was no challenge for ones so courageous.
“Icus Kanan…” sniffed Biggles Leticia Bardot. “What an odd name!”
“You’re one to speak,” replied Bigella Fernandez Hernandez, herself no stranger to unique monikers. “Icus comes from the name Ficus, the scientific term for the region’s abundant amate trees. Kanana is the Mayan Guardian of Nature. Hence, Icus Kanan.”
“Thanks for the history lesson,” Bigs sneered. “But we’re here to slaughter an awe-inspiring mythical beast.”
Bigs straightened his outlandish flamingo tunic, and Bigella adjusted her fashionable cat hat, and they approached Icus Kanan with much bravado. Bigella moreso than Bigs, who hung back and made excuses for why he shouldn’t be the one to confront the dragon.
“I’ve just had my hair done,” he sniffed valiantly. “One puff of that dragon’s fiery breath and I shall resemble a young Richard Simmons.”
And so, with plastic swords flailing in the autumn breeze, Bigs and Bigella ambushed the behemoth.
How to Maim Your Dragon
They punched and pinched and kicked and slapped. Wrestled and wrangled and argued and spat. But nothing could make the colossus go SPLAT! Finally, as our heroes collapsed to the grassy grass, the dragon rose up and spoke.
“Hey, hey, hey guys, what are you doing?” he said in a surprisingly high-pitched squeak, not unlike popular 90s TV character Steve Urkel.
“Slaying you,” shrugged Bigella.
“Well you’re not doing a very good job of it,” Icus Kanan chuckled.
“Give us a break,” Bigs sighed. “We survived the horrors of La Mano Verde, and scurried past Ebony & Ivory – lovers trapped in the eternal rapture of devotion – just to vanquish you.”
“Vanquish me? But why?” gasped the serpent, with genuine hurt in his voice. “I’m a beloved icon of Guatemalteca culture. Over 4000 people visit the Finca each year just to take a photo with me.”
“Well, and to enjoy the area’s natural beauty, pleasant climate, and well-maintained camping facilities,” suggested Bigella.
“And to try the gorgeous chocolate cake,” added Bigs.
“Yes, Francisco is a talented chef,” grinned Icus Kanan. “You haven’t lived until you’ve tried his strawberry mousse. I can introduce you to him, if you like. We’re meeting up for pickleball this afternoon.”
Wiping tears from their eyes, our heroes ensconced the dragon in a warm group hug.
“Icus, I must offer my humblest apologies,” Bigs blubbered. “I thought you were a real fire-breather.”
“Only if I don’t get my morning coffee – teehee!”
And thus, the three of them lived happily together in rural Guatemala for the rest of their long lives.
~Fin~
