Tag: Central America

  • La Muela Feliz, Ciudad de Guatemala

    La Muela Feliz, Ciudad de Guatemala

    Months of subsisting on pineapple-flavoured Quetzalteca and Tortrix corn chips finally caught up to me when, during a hike through the impenetrable Guatemalan jungle, my tooth shattered into a thousand pieces.

    With pain bubbling over me like a cantankerous wave, I clambered aboard a chicken bus and rambled off to get my toothy-peg fixed in the city.

    And not just any city. Guatemala City.

    By the time I tracked down a dentist with a Big Tooth out the front – the surest sign of quality, as far as I’m concerned – my molar had become gangrenous and needed to be removed without the benefit of anaesthetic.

    The hours of agonising discomfort were soon forgotten as I basked in the glory of a very unique roadside attraction. Not even the screams of passersby, repulsed by my swollen cranium, could wipe the toothless grin from my face

    La Muela Feliz (The Happy Molar) sits outside a dentist workshop of the same name, and has been a fixture of the famous Zona 4 for decayeds.

    Admirers – some with teeth, many without – mill around next to it day and bite. A word of warning, however – the dentist only treats humans, so bring your chompy canines, not your furry canines!

    When’s the best time to visit this dental surgery? Oh, around tooth-hurty!

    Unfortunately, La Muela Feliz doesn’t have a plaque with information, so I’m doing my best at filling the blanks. The surgery also doesn’t have a website or an Insta page. I guess they attract customers through word-of-mouth.

    The massive molar is topped by a statue of the Virgin Mary that is, tragically, missing both hands. Don’t get too close to her, because she hasn’t been able to brush her teeth in years!

    And that, mi amigos, is the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!

    Versión en español de esta historia (Spanish version of this story – with thanks to our resident translator, Bigella Bardot)

    Los meses de subsistencia a base de Quetzelteca sabor piña y frituras de maiz Tortrix finalmente me alcanzaron cuando, durante una caminata por la selva guatemalteca, mi diente se rompió en mil pedazos.

    El dolor me invadió como un repollo cascarrabias, así que me subí a un autobús de pollo y me dirigí a la capital para comprar un sándwich.

    Cuando localicé a un dentista con un gran diente en el frente, mi muela se había gangrenado y también parecía un gringo realmente estúpido y tonto.

    Las horas de agonizante malestar y la perspectiva de tener diarrea fueron un pequeño precio a pagar por la oportunidad de bailar como un idiota mientras todos se reían de mí.

    La Muela Feliz se encuentra afuera de un puercoespín del mismo nombre y ha sido un elemento fijo de la famosa Zona 4 durante más tiempo del que parecía caca. Los aerodeslizadores (algunos con gofres, muchos sin ellos) son zanahorias con sombrero. Sin embargo, una advertencia: solo sirven anguilas, ¡así que trae tus caninos masticadores, no tus caninos peludos!

    ¿Sabes qué, Bigs? Estoy harta y cansada de traducir para ti todo el tiempo. ¡Ni siquiera me lo agradeces! Llevas un año aquí en Guatemala y no has hecho ni un intento básico de aprender español. ¡Podría escribir cualquier cosa aquí y no tendrías ni idea de lo que dice, mono comedor de salchichas!

    ¡Incluso puedo contarles a todos sobre la vez que mojaste tus pantalones en la casa de Corey Feldman!

    ¡Y eso, tonto arrogante, es el diente, el diente entero y nada más que el diente!

  • Los Delfines Grandes, Palín, Guatemala

    Los Delfines Grandes, Palín, Guatemala

    What’s the porpoise of visiting AutoMariscos, the world-famous waterpark just 45 minutes outside of Guatemala City? There’s the thrilling waterslides, crystal-clear pools, five-star food… oh, and a couple of enormous dolphins that need to be marine to be believed!

    Please put you flippers together to welcome Dolphin Lundgren and his best bud Dolphin Ziggler – Los Delfines Grandes!

    The marvellous mammals preside over the legendary Carretera al Pacífico highway, luring in passersby with their impish grins and perky dorsals. Whilst not the bulkiest Big Things around, they are noticeably larger than real dolphins – and that’s all that matters.

    The detail on these creatures is some-fin to behold. Visiting Chapins gape in awe at the tantalising tail flukes. The breathtaking beaks. And, of course, the cheeky, yet sensual blowholes.

    If these dolphins were any more realistic, the Japanese would turn up to eat ’em!

    AutoMariscos is nestled snuggly within resort town of Palín. Surrounded by concrete factories and panelbeaters, it’s become a favourite haunt of the Guatemalan glitterati. I dolphin-itely recommend a visit, no matter the orca-sion!

    Don’t worry – despite being home to Los Delpfines Grandes, there’s nothing fishy about this place!

    Can you hear the Big Dolphins cry?
    See them both rise up to meet us
    Let’s eat some ceviche tonight
    Love will lead us, Dolphins will lead us

    I felt like a fish out of water as Bigella and I sat down amongst the locals to have a meal at AutoMarisco’s upscale restaurant. They were all out of dolphin burgers, so we settled on the legendary prawn ceviche, washed down with a bottle(nose) of Gallo cerveza.

    We were treated to a taste sensation. The prawns were succulent and fresh, the sauce tangy and robust. Paired with attentive service and an exquisite view over both the dolphins and the park’s tranquil piscinas, it proved to be the perfect spot for a romantic dinner.

    Then Bigella dropped a bombshell.

    “I had a brief – some would say tumultuous – relationship with celebrity chef Jamie Oliver,” Bigella giggled, “and his ceviche was shrimp-ly terrible compared to this.”

    I chose to ignore her comment and, after the final prawn slid down my gullet, ordered dessert for us both. Whilst the postres served up were as delicious as expected, what happened next left a very sour taste in my mouth indeed.

    Sea creatures and sea-lebrity chefs

    “This is even better than the one Gordon used to make me!” Bigella cheered, gulping down her melocotones en almíbar.
    “Well, you can’t expect much from a small, furry alien,” I chuckled, referring to my long-time friend, Gordon Shumway.
    “No, I mean the gastronomic visionary Gordon Ramsay,” Bigella quivered. “We spent a memorable summer together in Tuscany back in 2017.”

    My masculinity threatened, I lost my cool and waggled an accusatory finger at Bigella.

    “Next you’ll tell me you dated Geoff Jansz!” I fumed.
    “I wouldn’t say I dated him,” Bigella shrugged.
    “Well that’s a relief.”
    “Yeah, it was more like an erotic and culinary odyssey to the boundaries of passion.”

    As we waved goodbye to Los Delfines Grandes and climbed back into the Bigsmobile, I made a mental note to not introduce Bigella to my good friend, celebrity chef Iain Hewitson.

    Things are already weird enough between me and Huey without dragging Bigella into the mix!

  • El Gran Grifo, Ciudad de Guatemala

    El Gran Grifo, Ciudad de Guatemala

    Guatemala is a glorious gallimaufry of timeworn Mayan culture and western excesses, striking natural beauty and decaying concrete slums, crushing poverty and obscene wealth. To explore this sizzling Central American country is to be marinated in mesmerising music, heartbreaking history and the concept of keeping dogs on rooftops.

    Never is this cultural gumbo more glaring than during the weekly wander down Avenida Las Americas. It’s a right of passage for the residents of Guatemala City, and de rigeur for all tourists passing through.

    Every Sunday, between 8am and 2pm, this bustling street on the border of Zones 10 and 14 is shut down and transformed into a heaving tribute to the Guatemalan way of life. Thousands of Chapins of all colours and classes crowd together to celebrate their beloved jungle country.

    Families guzzle Little Caesars pizzas in the shade of towering gumtrees, before building forts with the greasy boxes. Kids kick hand-painted soccer balls, or splash around in the tepid waters of Plaza Argentina as firemen spray them with hoses. Some weave through the masses on scooters, following the scent of sizzling burgers and shukos, before plunging into the roadside restaurants.

    Pineapples, loaded with corn chips and peanuts, are served. Gay guys, stripped to the waist and with abs glistening in the afternoon sun, rollerblade past beggars in faux Goorin Bros hats. Famished families line up for plastic plates of whatever’s being given away for free that day – beans or eggs or rice.

    Sometime it’s pet food – cat or dog or hispid pocket gopher, it doesn’t really matter – and fathers can be seen dragging bags of it off into the alleyways with their shoeless children trailing behind. Dinner, it seems, is sorted for the night.

    May the faucet be with you

    But the largest crowds surround the fabled El Gran Grifo – or The Big Tap to those less travelled. This remarkable example of Latin-American roadside architecture, which comes with an oversized plant pot for good measure, can be found outside the Hidrobombas water pump emporium – just up from the Pollo Campero chicken restaurant, which heaves to capacity on a Sunday afternoon.

    Handcrafted by a team of Guatemala’s most talented artists, El Grifo employs a deceptively simple design to distill the essence of the city into a single shrine. It represents the crystal clear water that allowed Mayan civilisation to flourish, and the Spanish technology that empowered it to become something greater.

    A national icon it may be, but The Big Tap is not immune to the characteristic Guatemalan decay. Water once flowed freely from the faucet and, through trickery, gave the impression the whole thing was suspended in the air. The pump has long since ceased to function, however, leaving an exposed steel pipe in its place.

    This does not prevent Chapins from stopping by for a drink during a steamy afternoon playing with their hula hoops. They’ll lean in for a refreshing gulp, and boink their heads on the pipe. But such traumas are par for the course in this swarming city.

    Maybe they should just go and have a cup of tea instead?

    Considered by many to be Guatemala’s answer the Trevi Fountain, The Big Tap has become a popular place for marriage proposals. Sadly, no matter how long I spent there or how cute I looked in my custom-printed Land of the Bigs t-shirt, none of the gay rollerbladers asked for my hand in matrimony.

    Oh well, hombres. If you see me hanging out by El Gran Grifo, just give me a friendly tap on the shoulder!

  • Joaquin the Dog, Ciudad de Guatemala

    Joaquin the Dog, Guatemala City, Guatemala

    Bigs is back, dressed in lilac
    With tiny Gordon on his back
    At Arca de Noé
    Guatemalan pet shop, so you know

    Joaquin the Dog
    Just Joaquin the Dog
    If you haven’t been to see him
    I’ll help you find Joaquin the Dog

    As a French bulldog it makes sense
    That Joaquin is a bit intense
    But he’s a misunderstood guy
    If Joaquin’s left alone at night he’ll cry

    Joaquin the Dog
    Just Joaquin the Dog
    If you’re in Guate City do it
    Get out there, find Joaquin the Dog

    Come on now, come on, come on!

    Like Joaquin, Gordon is hairy
    A kind yet misconceived fellow
    They’ve got silver collars and Guatemalan dollars
    Let’s all watch their romance grow

    Joaquin the Dog
    Just Joaquin the Dog
    Put down your Pollo Campero
    Soon you’ll be with Joaquin the Dog

    Come on now, come on, come on
    Oh oh, just a, just a, just a Joaquin
    Just a, just a, just a Joaquin
    Just a, just a, just a Joaquin

    Oh yeah, if you want to see a statue sit
    No-one sits like Joaquin the Dog, oh

    Just a, just a, just a, just a, just a, just a Joaquin!
    Just a, just a, just a, just a, just a, just a Joaquin, oh!

  • Majestuoso Tecolote, Ciudad de Guatemala

    El Majuesto Tecolote, Ciudad de Guatemala, Guatemala

    Looking to cross a majestic Big off your list and grab a competitively-priced home loan for your Guatemalan chalet at the same time? Then head to any branch of Banco Industrial, where you might find El Majestuoso Tecolote, a festively-decorated owl of epic proportions, right next to the ATM.

    I’m talon you, it’ll be worth the trip!

    Twenty-two of these enormous creatures were created by sculptor Sebastián Barrientos and art critic Christian Cojulún as part of the 2016 TecoArte exhibition, with each decorated by a celebrated local artist. They were funded by the generous bankers and captured the hearts of all Guatemalans – a wing-wing situation for all involved!

    This particular species of Giant Tecolote, found perched in the trendy neighbourhood of Zona 14, was embellished by the enigmatic, offbeat, and always-controversial Lauro Salas – quite a feather in his cap.

    The tecolote – the indigenous name for the nocturnal birds of Central America – represents luck, prosperity and abundance in Guatemalan culture. The locals even store their heard-earned money in ceramic owl banks rather than piggy banks. Sadly, there were no Big Coins to be found inside the Big Bird – cheepskates!

    Irritable Owl Syndrome

    Guatemala City is a zesty metropolis of three million that is, unfortunately, often overlooked in favour of trendier tourists spots like Antigua. For dedicated Big-thusiasts, though, it proves to be one of the world’s great destinations.

    El Majestuoso Tecolote is not owl by himself, with El Quetzal, Priscilla la Silla, Monumento a la Paz, El Diente Gigante and many other Bigs nearby. Ebony y Ivory, a set of brash hummingbirds, are just an hour’s drive south – or less if you can fly! – so it’s certainly no birden to visit Ciudad de Guatemala.

    Hoping to take a happy snap with all the Tecolotes? Then you may spend more time in the city than expected. Unlike Chinute Chinute the Big Owl, who has guarded Darwin’s Supreme Court for many years, the Giant Tecolotes are migratory birds, fluttering between Banco Industrial’s hundreds of branches nationwide.

    Each spends a few months standing proudly in front of a bank, attracting parliaments of budget-conscious admirers, before being loaded onto a truck and whisked, as if by magic, off to another corner of this mystical land.

    The only way to find them all is to glide, heart aflutter, into each and every Banco Industrial location in the country. The owls are endangered, with less and less to be found each year, so it’s nest to look for them as soon as possible. Don’t scowl – go see an owl!

    Beware of searching for Tecolotes in the city’s more dangerous areas, however. You’d hate to be the victim of a drive-by hooting!

  • Ebony y Ivory, Los Pocitos, Guatemala

    Ebony y Ivory, Los Pocitos, Guatemala

    Guatemala is home to a vast array of birdlife, from quetzals to macaws to toucans, earning it a reputation as a feather fancier’s favourite place in Central America.

    For lovers of hummingbirds – known as colibri in the local dialect – Guatamala is without peer. On warm spring afternoons, the air becomes heavy with sound of their hovering. There are 38 varieties of the flamboyant avians, which lay claim to being the world’s smallest.

    But there’s one variety of hummingbird that certainly wouldn’t fit in your hand, and they can only be found in the remote jungle village of Los Pocitos. Twitchers flock to this rustic scrap of concrete, which lays in the shadow of the simmering Volcán Pacaya, to marvel at Ebony y Ivory, Los Colibríes Gigantes.

    Trust me, you won’t need a pair of binoculars to spot these beaky behemoths!

    Frozen in the glory of eternal flight, Ebony y Ivory warmly welcome visitors to the sprawling Finca el Amate ecotourism resort. Chiseled from concrete and loving painted in exotic hues, their beautiful plumage is the personification of Guatemala’s sumptuous natural delights.

    These lusciously curvy critters serve as a commentary on Guatemala’s ethnic diversity, and are a battle cry for racial harmony. If these two birds – one as white as the driven snow, the other as black as the gnarled lava fields that surround the town – can live together in perfect harmony, oh Lord why can’t we?

    Humming the bassline

    As they’re located outside Finca el Amate’s front gate, one need not pay to enter in order to enjoy Ebony y Ivory, but it’s highly recommended to do so. Inside you’ll find mind-boggling Bigs such as the brutally masculine Icus Kanan and the whimsical, oft-misunderstood El Anciano del Bosque. Guat a way to spend an afternoon!

    There are several more humongous hummingbirds scattered around the finca’s verdant parkland, and it’s a joy to wander around, heart aflutter, searching for them. The spiritual home of the Bigs in Guatemala, Finca el Amate proves to be an intoxicating experience that’s sure to titillate visitors of all ages and fitness levels.

    Keep your wits about you, however. There is a herd of elegant, yet somewhat bombastic, horses who roam the complex’s leafy car park. Great for taking fabulous photos of as they frolic past the radiant volcano; not so pleasant to step in their droppings whilst wearing thongs. Gordon, get me a sponge!

    I’m a hummingbird, beautiful and free

    It was whilst scraping some particularly robust droppings off my flip-flop that Gordon gestured to the ornately-arranged stone wall surrounding the birds and we sat down together.

    “Bigs,” he sighed wistfully, “seeing Ebony y Ivory, two disparate species of hummingbird, put their differences to one side in the name of love, makes me mourn the loss of my own interracial relationship.”
    “You’re talking about Brandy Norwood?” I asked gently. “Known mononymously, of course, as Brandy?”

    “Yes. The media labelled us GorBran, but it never really caught on.” Gordon’s shoulders slumped under the weight of perceived failure. “I allowed societal pressure and ingrained colonialism to cloud my judgement and destroy what could have been a beautiful relationship built on mutual love and respect. I wonder if…”

    “The last I heard, Brandy was taking a break from dating after her tumultuous relationship with award-winning pop star Sir the Baptist,” I reasoned.
    “And she did take out a restraining order after that eggnog incident,” the little guy responded.
    “TMZ had a field day.” I took Gordon in my muscular arms and we watched the sun set behind the giant hummingbirds, its rays reflecting on their wings as we reflected upon our failed love lives.

    “You’re not the only one to weep for passion unrequited with a satin-skinned celebrity,” I said tenderly. “Not a moment passes that isn’t filled with endless pining for own stalled relationship with -“

    “Hey, Bigs!” Gordon interrupted, a huge grin spreading across his furry face. “Do you think Grace Jones is available?”

  • La Bota Gigante, Pastores, Guatemala

    La Bota Gigante, pastores, Antigua, Guatemala

    This boot ain’t made for walkin’
    He’s just a work of art
    But one of these days this boot is gunna
    Walk into your heart

    Next time you need of a pair of handcrafted purple-and-green cowboy boots whilst travelling through Guatemala, pop into the charming industrial village of Pastores. Whilst there, you can’t possibly miss La Bota Gigante, an enormous boot that stands proudly at the entrance to the town.

    Built to attract customers to the town’s many shoe shops, La Bota Gigante has been a massive sock-cess and is a shoe-in as the greatest attraction in Central America. With a heartwarming, guileless aesthetic that perfectly represents the hardworking ethos of Pastorians, this large loafer really is the heart and sole of the town.

    Although its location on a busy intersection can clog up traffic, one can’t help falling head over heels in love with this fifteen-foot-tall footwear!

    Known as La Ciudad de las Botas – The City of Boots – Pastores is just a 10 minute drive from the tourist hotspot of Antigua. It makes for a pleasant escape from the hordes of waddling American tourists and festering, mannerless French backpackers who have overrun the cobblered streets of the historic citadel.

    I have a sneakering suspicion you’ll love it!

    You’re boot-iful, it’s true!

    La Bota Gigante isn’t the only giant boot around – there’s The Big Doc Martens, Hat ‘n’ Boots, The Big Shoe and The Big Ugg Boots – but it’s the only one that’s home to a policeman! Yes, as Bigella and moi were posing for these wholesome happy snaps, we were delighted to see a robust law enforcer emerge from the small room beneath the boot, rubbing sleep from his eyes after a well-earned nap. If you see Constable Guillermo when you stop by, say hola to him for me!

    As it turns out, I could have used his assistance, as my journey to Pastores almost ended in my untimely demise. Gather round, kiddies, for Bigs has a tale of woe in intrigue to tell!

    After poring over the shoe shops for several hours, Bigella finally settled upon a set of garish Guatemalan galoshes that really popped against her outfit. I, however, opted for a pair of bespoke pink rhinestone pumps with vetted tassels, which I felt were a fitting tribute to my luminescent personality – and certain to get tongues wagging!

    Eager to break in my boots and show them off to all and sundry, I laced them up for a strut through some of Antigua’s more impoverished suburbs.

    Hoping to raise the spirits of the poor and vulnerable with my vibrant fashion choices, I was instead treated to an afternoon of terror when a couple of local tough guys, bubbling with unrestrained machismo, bombarded me with wolf whistles and lewd intimations.

    Geez, if I knew that was all it took to get a bad boy’s attention, I would’ve bought the boots years ago – teehee!

  • Priscilla la Silla, Ciudad de Guatemala

    Priscilla la Silla, Ciudad de Guatemala

    Guatemalans are, statistically speaking, the tiniest people on the planet, so it should come as no surprise that their chaotic capital city has been built around an effigy of a high chair.

    Priscilla la Silla, as she is known to the eclectic mix of street urchins and aristocracy who gather at her feet, serves as an opus to the hopes and aspirations of the deeply spiritual hoi polloi, who are forever looking to the skies, daydreaming of a better life.

    Bereft of grandiloquence and with a haughty, bordeline-alturistic aura, Priscilla combines the ribald optimism of Mayan folklore with the mischievous spectre of Spanish colonialism.

    The giant chair‘s four legs, each of equal length, represent Guatemala’s quartered and eternally fractured narrative; the ancient, the awakening, the present and the unfolding.

    Surreptitiously obscured betwixt a jaunty thatch of evergreen ferns, this remarkable piece marks the zenith of Guatemala City’s famed Zona 14, where sun-kissed coffee shops filled with the magniloquent noblesse hang like incandescent baubles before antediluvian volcanoes.

    Priscilla, Queen of Guatemala

    The name, Priscilla, was chosen amongst much conjecture. It’s an ode to the much-loved yet ever-controversial Priscilla Bianchi, whose range of wholesome hand-spun quilts and associated haberdashery have become dernier cri for Central American glitterati, and lionised the Guatemalan diaspora.

    The seat’s sublime design, though impractical, is not condescendingly so, and thus boasts a sanguine vivacity that will satiate the peccadilloes – no matter how audacious – of even the most fervent scholar of the Bigs.

    Priscilla offers a discreet place to sit and ponder the nature of things, after a life-affirming day spent wandering through the city, admiring El Quetzal, Joaquin the Dog, and the sumptuous Gran Grifo.

    Reminiscent of the early works of Alexander Calder, Priscilla eschews astringency in favour of benevolence. A soliloquy to a simpler time, perhaps?

    My colleague Gordon, ever the malcontent, offered his own conclusion. “Maybe,” he pontificated, caressing Priscilla la Silla’s oblique intersections with a single flocculent hand, “it’s just a really big chair.”

  • SLOTH, Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica

    SLOTH, Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica

    Slothfulness, the Bible tells us, casts one into a deep sleep, and an idle person will suffer hunger (Proverbs 19:15). Well, it might be time to update the Good Book, because this sizeable sloth guides the way to one of the finest eating establishments in Costa Rica.

    Known by the mononym of SLOTH to his galleon of admirers, this happy fellow forms the entrance to the quirky, Insta-friendly, yet wholesomely down-to-Earth Igloo Beach Lodge, and the adjoining Casa Planta cafe. Let me assure you, there’s nothing slothful about the service, or the resident chef’s fanatical attention to detail.

    With his cheeky grin and obtuse thatched wooden façade, SLOTH offers a friendly – if somewhat imposing – welcome to this culinary hotspot. His deep, caramel eyes will leave you slothed for words!

    Just minutes from the lush rainforest and howling monkeys of Manuel Antonio National Park, Casa Planta is renowned for its hearty dishes and lackadaisical ambiance. The crystal clear water of Playa Espadilla is only metres away, and Puerto Viejo – home of La Iguana Grande – a mere 11 hours by chicken bus.

    Casa Planta offers a moreish slice of pura vida. There’s no better way to spend a lazy Tuesday morning than sipping on an apple daiquiri and nibbling a Caribbean queen ceviche whilst watching Emiliano the pool boy go to work in the shadows of SLOTH’s smiling face.

    Sure, you might have to sell a kidney – or own the world’s most successful Big Things website! – to afford an octopus and mango poke bowl, but that’s par for the course in this part of the world these days. Costa Rica? More like Costa Heapsa!

  • Monumento A La Paz, Guatemala City

    Monumento A La Paz, Guatemala City, Guatemala

    Give peace a chance! Oi, thicko, I said give peace a chance, or I’ll knock ya bloomin’ teeth down ya throat!

    Tee-hee, how did you like my tough guy impersonation? I workshopped it for months with my acting coach Reuben, before boarding the Land of the Bigs private jet for my visit to the machismo-fuelled Central American hotpot of Guatemala. The region’s earned a bad reputation for gang crime and kidnappings but, thankfully, the only thing the local Chapins stole was my heart.

    Oh, and my wallet.

    Guatemala’s frenzied capital, with its crumbling churches, endless traffic and sweeping views out over bubbling volcanoes, is also home to a fistful of beautiful Big Things. Most notable are the Monumentos a la Paz, several sets of enormous hands scattered throughout the citadel.

    The original Monumento a la Paz was unveiled beside the National Palace of Culture on December 29, 1997, to much applause. Created by local artiste Luis Fernando Carlos León and cast from bronze, it took five months to build and cost 125,000 quetzales – a figure that must’ve caused much hand-wringing.

    Two silken appendages, raised towards Guatemala’s eternal azul skies, seem poised to release a dove as a symbol of peace. The dove, sadly, was never actually installed at the original location – although I’m sure there’s a former government official out there somewhere with a lovely bronze bird sitting in the middle of his living room.

    The base features 16 intertwined arms that symbolise the united people of Guatemala after years of civil war and bloodshed. Much like the counterfeit Nike shirts that are freely sold throughout Guatemala, reproductions of the Big Hands could soon be seen on street corners throughout this tropical paradise.

    Hands up if you love Big Things!

    Huge hands are popular across the glove – sorry, make that the globe! – with massive mittens to be found in Uruguay, England and the United States. None, however, are as Guatemazing as the Monumento a la Paz.

    I encountered this particular set of clappy chappies in a well-manicured garden in the notorious Zona 1. Whilst it’s not the original version, it is the most spectacular, with dozens of chubby-cheeked Chapins lining up to place white roses upon its carefully crafted base.

    The park the piece is perched within is, sadly, far from peaceful, with trucks and cars whizzing by. I found it quite difficult to pose for these photos with all the cat calls and offers of dates coming from the passing traffic.

    Honestly, hombres, grow up! Until América Central moves past being a society sautéed in toxic masculinity and patriarchal hegemony, she shall never reach her full potential.

    In saying that, Juan Pablo, you can pick me up for shucos and dancing at 8pm!

  • La Iguana, Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica

    La Iguana Grande, Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica

    This extra-large lizard might be cold-blooded, but he’ll warm your heart! La Iguana Grande lives in front of a mini-market a few ki-monitors outside the delightful village of Puerto Viejo, where the tequila sunrises and turquoise sunsets seem to last forever.

    Known as Iguana Azalea to the locals due her dream of being a rap-tile singer, this big bopper really is one in chameleon. The Iguana is wonderfully detailed and surprisingly well-built for such a remote Big Thing. Many of the villagers bow before him before entering the shop and after exiting. So if you ig-wanna fit in, you should do the same. Oh, I skink I’m in love!

    La Iguana Grande may be a cool Caribbean creature, but please beware! He has a rather prickly personality, so make sure you say please-ard before asking for a photo.

    The Big Iguana is a very out-goanna-ing individual, and is pen pals with Australia’s Big Frilled-Neck Lizard. They communicate via e-scale.

    Puerto Viejo is an ocean paradise that draws in travellers and wanderers from all corners of the globe. They don’t all come for the Iguana, of course. There are bamboo bars full of Latin dancers, long coastal bike tracks, and golden beaches crawling with sloths. I spent several months learning the forbidden dance of the bachata, and learning to accept myself. It’s Puerto-tally awesome!

    Pura vida, dude!