Tag: NSW

  • Egg Sheeran, Warral, NSW

    Egg Sheeran the Big Egg, Warral, New South Wales, Australia

    There’s an egg-straordinary Big Thing to see in the village of Warral, just outside of Tamworth. Dear readers, please ome-let me introduce you to the imaginatively-titled Egg Sheeran.

    Y’know, like Ed Sheeran, the singing sensation. Pallid and globular with bright orange highlights, it’s no wonder the locals named this egg-normous statue after the carrot-crowned English rock god.

    Unlike Ed, who is known for his bad boy swagger, The Big Egg has an over-easygoing personality. The great big goog sits out the front of the picturesque Kelso Park Farm and has, sadly, seen better days. But I’m not going to bene-dictate whether the owners should clean him up or not.

    Whilst Ed has millions of groupies who swarm after him wherever he goes, it’s rare for Egg to have more than 30 or 40 devotees hanging around him at any one time. But it’s hard to get an eggs-act number.

    Not much is known about this big, concrete ovum – I came up with a duck’s egg when I tried to find out who made it and when. The question of ‘why’ doesn’t even need to be asked. As Ed would say, his namesake Egg is absolutely Perfect.

    Altogether now:I found an egg for me
    Oh, darling, just drive along Werris Creek Road and it will be seen
    Well, I found an egg, beautiful and sweet
    Oh, I’d like to eat him with some bacon and beans!

    I’m in love with the taste of you

    With Ed Sheeran and Egg Sheeran having so much in common, there was room for confusion when I hatched a plan to take Bigella – a lifelong ‘Sheerio’ – out to Warral to meet ‘Mr Sheeran’.

    “He’s playing out here in the middle of nowhere?” a wide-eyed Bigella asked as we a-poached The Big Egg.
    “Yes, Bigella,” I tittered. “I’m just as shell-shocked as you.”

    After pulling the Bigsmobile over by the side of the road, Bigella’s shoulders slumped. Tentatively, she circled Egg Sheeran.

    “He’s not all he’s cracked up to be,” she blubbered. “It’s just a rotten egg sculpture.”
    “Oh well,” I shrugged, feeling very pleased with myself indeed. “Different strokes for different yolks, I suppose.”
    “Shoosh Bigs, you’re scrambling on and on.”

    I had one final, hilarious, surprise in store for Bigella. As she reconsidered her life choices, I stepped behind the egg, pulled on a rubber chicken mask, and emerged as my alter-ego Jeremy Cluckson. I’d barely started gyrating around when Bigella started choking the chicken.

    “Bigella, it’s me, just silly old me!” I bagawked. “I was playing a childish prank!”

    “Of course I know it’s you – I’m eggs-asperated because you brought me all the way out here to the worst Big Thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” she spat. “It’s rusty, it doesn’t look very much like an egg, and it’s in a really shady place.”
    “Yes, there are a few trees around.”
    “No, it looks like someone’s going to come out of that house and stab us.”

    “I think you’re eggs-aggerating,” I replied. “But I’m sorry I fried to you about meeting Ed Sheeran.”
    “You left me with egg all over my face.”
    “To make it up to you, I’ll take you to meet Lizzo.”
    “The vivacious, curvaceous Lizzo? It’s not some dilapidated lizard sculpture you’ve named Lizzo?”
    “Um, no,” I smirked, ushering Bigella into the car for the 15-hour drive to see a dilapidated lizard sculpture I’d named Lizzo.

  • Lizzo the Lizard, Somersby, NSW

    Lizzo the Big Lizard, Somersby, New South Wales, Australia

    It’s Big Thing o’clock, yeah, it’s lizard-thirty
    I’m here in Somersby and it’s real purty (okay)
    Is everybody set for someone scaly?
    Who you can visit all up on the daily
    Lizzo can make you smile quite gayly
    How you feelin’? How you feel right now?

    Ooooh, Lizzo the Big Lizard’s a treasure
    Find her near the Aus Reptile Park, yeah
    Oh, she’s not the creature she was or used to be
    Uh, Biggies, she’s even better!

    Turn up Pile Street, then on the right
    I got a feelin’ you’ll see something nice
    Okay (okay), alright
    It’s about damn time!
    Stop for a photo, yes that’s the way!
    I got a feelin’ she’s gon’ make your day
    Okay (okay), alright
    Lizzo is damn fine!

    In a minute, you’ll go completely mental
    ‘Cos Ploddy‘s nearby to pump you up
    So is Frilly, she’ll make you feel really silly
    But remember you’re fabulous
    I enjoyed Lizzo so dang much
    I split into like two Bigs Bardots
    One to get up, one to get down
    Both will help you smile, not frown

    Ooooh, Lizzo the Big Lizard’s a treasure
    With her frilled neck and toothy smile, yeah
    Oh, she’s not the creature she was or used to be
    Uh, Biggies, she’s even better!

    Liz might be ageing, but don’t have a fright
    I got a feelin’ she’s gon’ be alright
    Okay (okay), alright
    Oh yeah she’ll be fine (fine)
    Older Big Lizards can, still celebrate (alright)
    I got a feelin’ Lizzo wants to go out and play
    Okay (okay), alright
    She’s still in her prime

    Lizzo’s comin’ out tonight, she’s comin’ out tonight (uh-huh)
    To Club Troppo tonight, ‘cos it’s Saturday night (wooooo!)
    Vodka Cruisers tonight, get in a fight tonight
    Okay (okay), alright (alright)
    It’s Troppo time!
    Club Troppo’s closed tonight, (oh no) has been since ’06, why? (closed since ’06, why?)
    Nowhere to go tonight, Gosford is dead tonight (woo)
    Need a plan for tonight, let’s break the time-space continuum tonight (break the time-space continuum tonight)
    Okay (okay), alright
    Let’s go back in time!

    And that’s the story of how Lizzo the Big Lizard, Bigs Bardot the much-loved roadside attraction savant, Gordon the rambunctious alien, Gideon the gooey guacamole, and Bigs Bardot’s evil-yet-whimsically-handsome clone invented time travel, just so they could head back to 2001 and dance to Craig David’s 7 Days whilst sucking on watered-down frozen cocktails and avoiding the near-constant dancefloor scuffles at the legendary Club Troppo.

    A brief note on Lizzo’s current legal situation

    It’s recently been brought to my attention that Lizzo – the remarkably talented, deliciously robust, African American pop singer, not the remarkably large, deliciously anatomically accurate, Indigenous Australian lizard – has been cancelled due to some rather serious sexual misconduct charges.

    Please be aware that the passionate and diverse Land of the Bigs team does not condone such behaviour. After months of negotiations with the Australian Reptile Park, I’ve been assured that Lizzo’s open invitation to the Quoll Experience has been revoked.

    Woo child, we’re just sick of your bulldust.

  • Canoli the Cocky, Wagga Wagga, NSW

    Canoli the Cocky, Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, Australia

    Holey moley, check out Canoli! Cheeky, colourful and charismatic, this king-sized cockatoo is as irresistible as the ricotta-laced desert he’s named after. With his devil-may-care attitude and trendsetting mohawk, the wooden Big is widely regarded as the mascot of Wagga Wagga – the town so nice they named it twice.

    Canoli is the crowning achievement of Justin McClelland, a gifted yet enigmatic artist who expresses his unique world view through the medium of chainsaw. In a moment of inspiration, Justin transformed an everyday log into this perky parrot during the 2017 Ganmain Show – a miracle the locals still speak of in hushed tones.

    “I learn every time I start a new project,” Justin told a beguiled reporter from Regional Lifestyle Magazine. “I love timber and working in the bush, but it’s always challenging. When I start the chainsaw, things start to flow and I’m in my own little world.”

    Justin, you really are a cut above the rest!

    He’s cockatoo hot to handle!

    Proving to be as generous as he is talented, Justin gifted his beloved Canoli to the people of Wagga, and he’s guarded the entrance to the city’s picturesque zoo ever since. Though smaller than nearby Bigs such as The Giant and The Playable Guitar, this sulphur-crested heartthrob makes up for it with his rugged good looks, along with a hint – just a hint – of the cocksure swagger alluded to in his name.

    Canoli looks right at home amongst the grass trees, cloaked by the ever-present chatter of native birds. A more peaceful, down-to-Earth Big you could never hope to meet. My much-anticipated journey within the bowels of the zoo, however, was not so tranquil. Looking forward to a quiet morning admiring the emus and peacocks, I was instead accosted by a cantankerous duck named Wendell.

    This insufferable oaf, with his incessant quacking and braggadocious attitude, disrupted what promised to be a life-affirming encounter with the donkeys in the petting zoo. I wanted to feed them some hay!

    I’m not usually one to resort to violence but Justin, if you feel like carving another bird with your chainsaw, I’ll look the other way!

  • The Big Beaver, Wilberforce, NSW

    The Big Beaver, Wilberforce, New South Wales

    Every chap in Western Sydney has seen this Big Beaver! She’s hairy, wet and open for inspection every day of the week. Best of all, you won’t have to waste money on flowers and a KFC meal before you’re allowed to see this Beaver.

    Sure, the Big Beaver has seen better days and been around the block a few times, but that just gives her character. And most fellows can’t resist a Big Beaver no matter how battered she looks. Any mole’s a goal, as they say.

    It’s not only the menfolk who like to gently caress The Big Beaver, either. Women are also welcome to grope this Beaver. There’s even rumours that Hollywood actress Beaverly D’Angelo popped in for a visit a few years back.

    Sadly, it’s common for cretins to make putrid jokes at the Beaver’s expense but, as you can see, I don’t find anything fanny about such behaviour. Thankfully Raelene, Beaver’s ever-beguiling owner, had some sensible, mature comments to make when I visited her.

    “Everyone’s loves my Big Beaver,” Rae chuckled when I arrived, giving me a cheeky wink.

    “Oh Rae, why did you have to lower the tone?” I lamented, whilst writing down her joke to shamelessly steal later.

    Leave it to Beaver

    The Big Beaver can be found in all her buck-toothed glory out the front of Wilberforce’s otter-ly charming Butterfly Farm (which, delightfully, also features some moths). It’s a peaceful, leafy place for a Big, with plenty of picnic tables overlooking the Hawkesbury River. There are even campsites for those who, unlike myself, don’t require five star accommodation with an all-inclusive buffet breakfast.

    The Beaver was created a few decades ago to star in a maple syrup commercial. She was made from a styrofoam mould, and was due to be disposed of once the cameras stopped rolling. That’s when Rae stepped in. She snapped up the Beaver, slapped on some weather-resistant paint, and placed her proudly on display. The result was sweeter than the syrup that bore her.

    Tragically, the Beaver’s makeshift construction has meant that she’s aged poorly and is currently falling apart. When I visited she was missing an ear and, outrageously, one of her gorgeous footsies had fallen off.

    The Big Beaver has a gaping hole, which is often occupied by one or more peckers. Honestly guys, quit it – I just mean that Rae’s Big Beaver sports a cavity in the side of her head that’s become home to a family of kookaburras. If you find anything rude about that, you might want to seek the assistance of a psychiatrist.

    Busy as a Beaver

    Disaster struck Wilberforce in early 2021, when the river to breached its banks and flooded the area. Homes were destroyed, hearts were broken. The happy little lives that the locals had cherished were washed away in a rain-soaked instant. But the worst was yet to come.

    The Big Beaver, a beacon of hope in these most tumultuous of times, was to be the storm’s greatest victim. The Butterfly Farm was swallowed by the gurgling brine. The Beaver, laden with styrofoam, was torn from her base and carried away by the raging waters.

    It was feared this Western Sydney icon would be lost forever. Sure, beavers are usually right at home in the water, but most of them aren’t three metres tall and just as cute as a button.

    And then a miracle happened.

    “We tried our hardest to save the Beaver, but the water was too rough for us,” Rae fretted. “But then the townsfolk came together to rescue her. We put her in a safe position until the water subsided. Most of our facilities were wiped out, but at least we saved the Beaver.”

    Yes, with the assistance of several sweaty gentlemen, and with silent prayers of, “Oh God! Oh God!” the moist adventures of the Big Beaver came to a gushing and mutually-satisfying climax. I’m just glad that the boys were able to pull off the impossible so this story received a happy ending – and all without a single double entendre!

    “What can I say,” Raelene smirked. “Everyone loved getting their hands on my wet Beaver!”

    Oh, Rae!

  • The Odyssey of Life, Terrigal, NSW

    Don’t be a hermit, scurry along to the sun-soaked sanctum of Terrigal to see this ever-tilish mosaic crab, who comes with his own oversized sea shell. Known as The Odyssey of Life, this salt-encrusted wonder takes pride of place outside the Central Coast Marine Discovery Centre and is sure to pinch a piece of your heart!

    The Odyssey of Life he was lovingly created by the dynamic duo of Christopher Pekowski and Carlos Diaz, two passionate, self-taught artists whose hearts beat in unison. So in tune are these lads with each other, so driven by a shared passion for Big Things, that they answer to the collective name of Christopher Diaz and are rarely – if ever – seen apart in public.

    This Big is truly gob-smacking, with exquisite artisanship and impeccable attention to detail that must be seen to be believed. And the art world agrees. The Odyssey of Life picked up the Judge’s Choice award at the 2018 Sculptures @ Bayside festival in Kyeemagh, NSW – with one Biggles Marion Bardot casting the deciding vote.

    Apparently the runners-up were really crabby afterwards – teehee!

    Christian Diaz donated the sculpture, which is part of a series of works known collectively as Pacifica Australis, to the Discovery Centre in 2022. Since then, attendances have tripled, and the boys have found themselves as local shell-ebrities and the toast of the Coast’s blossoming so-shell scene.

    If you didn’t find those puns funny, babe, you must be shell-ucinating!

    Odyssey is the Best Policy

    This deliciously large Triton trumpet has swiftly become a much-loved feature of Terrigal’s burgeoning tourist scene, alongside The Skillion and underage drinking. Christian Diaz, however, see it as much more than that.

    “The ocean is a living organism in which everything is connected to everything, where constant migration and changes are turning it into a spectacular Odyssey of Life,” the boys explained when revealing their pièce de résistance. “It’s happening just under the water’s surface and we are a huge part of it having such an impact on life on Earth.

    “Pacifica Australis, through its explosion of colours, complexity and bold appearance, is confronting two environments: trapped between concrete, a relatively modern world and natural forces that support life and sustainability on the planet since its beginning – both are vulnerable and closely related.”

    Take that, anyone who erroneously believes that Bigs aren’t at the apex of haute couture! With time, this tour de force may well become as entwined within the fabric of Australian society as Tewantin’s legendary Big Shell.

    Sadly our afternoon with The Odyssey was ruined by Gordon, who carried on like a big baby after the crab nipped his tiny tootsie.

    Oh, Gordon, don’t you know some of us would pay good money for that?

  • Almost Once, Sydney, NSW

    Almost Once (The Big Matchsticks), Sydney, New South Wales

    ¡Ay Caramba! Hola, is me, El Grande Gonzales, greatest luchador in all México. As a red-blooded Latino it is in mi carazón to fight, so when I was invited to a big match in Sydney, I fly there straight away. Boy, are my arms tired! Sí, Gonzales also greatest comedian in all México!

    But when I arrive do I find my greatest rival, Juan Carlos Sanchez, the man who once kidnap mi familia and make fun of mi perro? No, señor, it seems I have been forced to chase the wild goose!

    I feel like the buttocks of donkey to discover that the ‘big match’ is just that – a mucho grande matchstick that stands as tall as 47 fried iguanas, or eight metres to you gabachos. To add incest to inquiry, there is another match next to it, and this one is all burnt like mi tío Pedro after he fall asleep cooking tacos. Pedro has never been the same!

    This really boils my beans! Demanding answers, I choke passing gringo until he tell me that this monumento is called Almost Once, and was created by Brett Whitely and his tag team partner Matthew Dillon, and put into place in 1991. If I am to meet this señor Whitely, I will break him open like the piñata!

    Perfect Match(sticks)

    Once mi Latino blood has cooled, amigo, I develop mucho amor for what you Aussies call ‘Big Things’. Mi burning desire to cripple opponents was replaced by a burning desire to learn more about The Big Matchsticks. I discover that Almost Once is made from Blackbutt timber found in the exotic paradise of Grafton, and burnt to a depth of uno inch to achieve its unique look.

    Maybe Pedro should have asked these dudes to burn him. Then maybe el niños wouldn’t burst into tears when they see him in street!

    In fact, The matchsticks look so realistic that hopefully it will stop Sydney’s degenerates from forever asking me for a light. Just use the massive matchsticks, you bobos!

    It (matchs)ticks all the boxes!

    Almost Once was restored in 2017 – wood, paint, the whole enchilada – much as mi knee was restored after falling from cantina roof in 1987 after too much tequila. My retirement has been long overdue, as I can hardly do a top-top Huracánrana these days, so now El Grande Gonzales starts his new career as top reporter for México’s most favourite website – Land of the Bigs!

    Sí, it will cause some light rioting when I next enter the Arena México and lecture the crowd for hours about Ploddy the Dinosaur and Lefty the Pink Buffalo rather than bashing in the brains of the baddies, but tough tortillas!

    No longer seeking to travel the globe delivering beatings, I now swagger around spreading the gospel of Big Things to anyone I meet. Except if I find Juan Carlos Fernandez, ese. You just don’t make fun of a hombre’s perro and get away with it!

  • The Big Marlin, Iluka, NSW

    The Big Marlin, Iluka, New South Wales, Australia

    The old man’s hands belied their age as he nimbly manoeuvred the thawing prawn onto the hook; in through the head and out through the belly, as always. I feigned disgust, of course, but the process fascinated me.

    “Next time, Bigs, you’ll be baiting your own hook,” he said in his usual brusk tone, then handed over the rod and reel. Our eyes and smiles caught for a fleeting moment, then I sent the bait sailing into the tepid ocean. A plonk, a ripple, then nothing but the sound of water lapping against the dock.

    A geriatric and a pre-pubescent, two beings at opposite ends of troubled lives, sitting peacefully at the edge of the world, waiting for a fish.

    The vagrant was the only one who understood me. Counsellors pretended to care, the other boys in my high security mental health facility sometimes offered a warped corruption of companionship. But this pitiful creature with unruly hair and a beard like a banksia bush was the only one who really got me.

    A loner like me, the hobo rarely talked about his wretched past, but he didn’t need to. The pain was projected across his rugged face; the nights spent under bridges echoed in his words; the loss of humanity and respect reflected in the lamentable way he walked.

    Who knows, maybe I was the only one who actually got him.

    All life folds back into the sea

    “You know,” I said, shattering the silence, “they say there’s a fish the size of a car out at Manilla. He has a top hat and everything! Maybe we could run away and see him together.”

    “Hey muscles, you’re scaring the fish away,” snapped the vagabond, feigning annoyance once again. I smiled to myself, content in my knowledge that it was simply his way of showing affection. Exhibiting love and admiration can feel like chewing razor blades for people like us.

    “We can’t catch fish every day,” I whispered glumly, wanting to lay a reassuring hand upon his shoulder but knowing that would likely trigger one of his infamous ‘freak outs’. “Maybe you’ll catch the eye of a pretty lady on the way home.”

    “Squirt, I don’t have a home. I live in a bed made of milk crates behind Clint’s Crazy Bargains. Now make yourself useful and go get me a box of wine. And none of that fancy stuff. Last time you got me a rosé and – whilst, yes, it was delightfully fruity with an earthy, somewhat nutty aftertaste – the other tramps beat me quite severely because of it.”

    My heart raced as I waited for the moment when he handed over a few disheveled notes and I would have a rare instant of human contact as our hands met.

    That moment never came so, with a hollow heart, I set off to find a pocket to pick on my way to the bottle shop. I would’ve done anything for that street urchin.

    The August sun hung low by the time I returned with a five-litre box of Sunnyvale. Mist was clawing at the dock. In the distance, a lone seagull cried. The drifter was nowhere to be seen.

    The past seems realer than the present to me now

    Sitting cross-legged on the weathered dock with only the treasured box of wine for company, I waited for my friend to return. The languid sun sunk solemnly beneath the waves, and a pale crescent moon took its place.

    The night scraped its icy fingers across my bare legs, but I didn’t leave my post. My friend, I knew, would return. If not for the wine, then for our zesty conversation and abundance of mutual respect.

    But he never did. Over the following months I would regularly wait for him by the water, dreaming of the moment when we would be reunited. My visions were so vivid that I could smell the prawns on his calloused fingers, and feel his whiskers upon my chin.

    In time I was sent to another part of the state to run out my days in another care facility. As they drove me away I stared out the window through a sheet of tears, seeing only the abandoned dock.

    Someday soon, my sins will all be forgiven

    To this day, I can’t walk past a bait shop without breaking down as memories of my friend wash over me. Well, except for when I went to Iluka Bait & Tackle, because there’s a massive marlin out the front and it’s absolutely fantastic!

    The festive fish is, apparently, based on an actual marlin caught by one of the locals two or three decades ago. He’s since become a beloved icon of the beachside village of Iluka. When I arrived the bait shop was empty, with nary a tackle box or garish lime-and-orange fishing shirt to be found.

    Feelings of abandonment wrapped their frozen tendrils around my throat but, thankfully, the owner Ross Deakin wandered over to assure me that the shop had simply relocated down the street.

    “But what will happen to the Big Marlin?” I asked, my top lip trembling 

    “Bigs, I’ll take it home and put it up in the living room before it goes in the bin. I might get in trouble with the missus, but it’d be worth it!”

    “Keep your family close, Ross,” I implored the owner, as he backed away cautiously. “You never know when you’ll lose them. One minute you’ll be violently robbing a pensioner to pay for a few litres of barely-drinkable plonk, the next…”

    “Bigs, I really need to get going.”

    “Ross, wait,” squealed, allowing a single tear to roll down my cheek. “You haven’t, by chance, seen a world-weary traveller, have you? An unshaven mess of a man, wrapped head to toe in rags of the poorest quality, bathed in the odour of prawns, vulgar white wine and desperation.”

    “Bigs, take another look at the Big Marlin. You might find what you’re looking for.”

    We contemplate eternity beneath the vast indifference of heaven

    As my new friend Ross sauntered off to deal with other business, I cast my gaze one more upon the gilled wonder. His elongated beak and resplendent fins demanded attention, but there was something more.

    Within the sheen of his bulbous belly I saw the haunted eyes and unkempt appearance of the man I had been seeking for so many years. I had, without realising it, become the hobo. My seemingly endless search was over.

    After bidding adieu to the marvellous Big Marlin, I dragged my bones away to sit once more by Australia’s rugged east coast, look out upon the brine, and ponder the meaning of it all beneath a weary canopy of eternal stars.

  • Dirrawuhn the Big Goanna, Lismore, NSW

    Dirrawuhn the Big Goanna, Lismore, New South Wales, Australia

    Hell came to Lismore in early 2022, when a wall of water surged through the northern New South Wales town and consumed everything before it. Lives and homes and businesses were obliterated as weeks of wild weather caused flood waters to reach an incredible 15 metres.

    With official rescue efforts consumed by chaos, survivors were left stranded on rooftops for days as the nightmare worsened. Brave villagers risked their lives to rescue neighbours and strangers as the whole world fell apart around them.

    When the water finally subsided, the horror of their new reality set in. Thousands were left homeless. Piles of furniture lay rotting in the summer sun. The town square was transformed into a makeshift rescue shelter, looking like something out of a war zone. Crooked souls wandered aimlessly through the sludge, searching solemnly for the shattered shards of their lives.

    Lismore, a proud village that had stood for almost two centuries, was destroyed. And Dirrawuhn, the enormous goanna who watches over the town from beside the regional art gallery, was left heartbroken.

    Dirrawuhn in a Million

    Dirrawuhn’s story flows back 50,000 years, to the age of the Dreamtime. Enormous creatures roamed the wild lands of Australia, creating the rivers and mountains and valleys. Goannas were seen as guardians of the area that would one day be known as Lismore, and were revered by the native Bundjalung people.

    In 2009, Lismore Council decided to honour this history by installing a goanna statue of epic proportions in the centre of town – years before their counterparts in Taree had the same idea. Local artist Keith Cameron took to the task with gusto, creating the 300kg mesh marvel in his Tabulam backyard.

    When Dirrawuhn was completed, Keith waited patiently for someone from the Council to pick up him up. And waited. And waited. The leviathan lay in Keith’s yard for five long years, staring out at the rolling hills and swaying gum trees. Despite splashing out $17,000, the giant goanna just sort of slipped through the cracks.

    “It still lives here at South Tabulam, paid for by the Lismore ratepayers,” Keith told a bemused reporter from the ABC at the time. “They obviously own it, I don’t. I’ve never had any communication, other than a few words by Lismore City Council, they’ve never asked me to store it, look after it, or do anything.

    “I guess I’d like it to be placed in a position where it’s enjoyed by Bundjalung people and others, and to be used for what it was originally intended.”

    When brave Dirrawuhn finally took his rightful spot in the centre of town, a new age of prosperity and happiness ensconced Lismore. And then nature, cruelly, took it all away.

    You’re the Dirrawuhn That I Want

    Lismore was a mess of mud and mayhem when I rolled in, mere days after the water subsided. The area around Dirrawuhn was smeared with slime, a single hanging from his eye. The stench of rotting carpet was overwhelming. Mutilated mattresses and trashed tables lined the streets, and an eerie silence blanketed the town.

    Despite spending time completely submerged in the muck, the lengthy lizard had been spared the worst of the carnage. He still stands regally in a small park, although during my visit he was covered in muck and looking beaten down by the weight of expectation.

    Keith’s craftsmanship is awe-inspiring. He really captured the ferocity of this Australian icon, whilst creating an artwork that fits in with the working-class nature of Lismore. Dirrawuhn is approachable and always up for a photo, although his enclosure was taped off when I arrived.

    But there’s something else to Dirrawuhn now; a sadness, a coldness, hardness. He’s witnessed loss and heartbreak. Seen those he watches over at their lowest points. Observed the ferocity of the land he loves so much. These things change a reptile.

    Beneath his steel facade, however, is a gleaming sense of pride and wonder. For Dirrawuhn also bore witness to feats of extreme bravery and selflessness, as those he has sworn to protect came together to save the town. 

    Lismore will never be the town it was before damnation swept through, but the people will rebuild it. And right there watching them, inspiring them, will be the indomitable Dirrawuhn the Big Goanna.

  • Cunningham’s Bananas, Coffs Harbour, NSW

    Cunningham's Bananas, Coffs Harbour, New South Wales, Australia

    Coffs Harbour is the town built on bananas – quite literally. The bendy yellow wonders are so abundant that the locals have been making their houses out of banana peels and leaves for years.

    Ripe that smile off your face! It’s a berry serious safety issue and has led to a bunch of serious accidents over the years.

    The upshot is that the good folk of Coffs have erected a number of temples to their favourite fruit. Worshippers flock to the world famous Big Banana in their millions, but it’s just potassi-one of many prodigious plantains on the menu.

    Cunningham’s Bananas rest happily by the Pacific Highway south of town. They enjoy the ample sunshine and steady stream of customers who drop into the shop of the same name to say, ‘yellow’. They’ve really curved out a niche in the market!

    The fruit shop beneath the Big Bunch is currantly the best in the area, but that mangoes without saying. The range is sub-lime, the prices mandarin-credible. Get sprout of the house and visit today. And yes, I practice what I peach!

    The big bunch of bananas originally lived in nearby Sawtell. When the town was bypassed a few decades ago, they split for their current location. A trip to the region is always a fruitful endeavour, with the Big Golden Dog and Big Beehive just a Coff, skip and a jump away.

    Seedless to say, I’m sure you’ll find them all a-peel-ing! There’s just so much to keep you a-Musa-d on the Banana Coast! Have fun!

    My best friend and muse, Gordon Shumway was so worn out after a big morning with these yella fellas, that he had to have a ’nana nap afterwards!

  • The Big Beehive, Urunga, NSW

    The Big Beehive, The Honey Place, Urunga, New South Wales, Australia

    Sugar
    Oh, honey, honey
    You are my Big Beehive
    And you got me wanting you

    For an adventure that’ll leave you buzzing, visit the sweetest place on the NSW North Coast – the Big Beehive!

    This spiracle of modern architecture stands four metres tall and serves as the entranceway to bee-loved local business the Honey Place. No need to comb the surroundings, because it’s easy to find at the southern entrance to cosmopolitan Urunga

    The Honey Place has been pollen in visitors since 1983, and can be a real hive of activity when tour groups swarm in. It’s possible to bumble around the sprawling facility for hours, and you might even see the workers harvesting honey. They’re real keepers!

    The gift shop is always open for insection, and the prices won’t sting, with plenty of souvenirs for less than an an-tenner. There’s even a brief yet fascinating video on the lifecycle of bees – and put your honey away, it’s free!

    So popular is the Beehive that it’s been visited by a slew of celebrities, including pop singer Sting, Golden Girls star Bee Arthur, hard rock band The Hives and reality TV sensation Honey Boo Boo

    Nectar time you’re in the area, why not treacle yourself to a trip to the Big Bowerbird, Cunningham’s Bananas, the ever-ripe Big Banana, or the loyal Big Golden Dog. The Mid-North Coast really is a hive of Big Thing activity!

    I hate to drone on, but the Big Beehive really does need to be queen to be bee-lieved!

  • The Big Water Dragon, Port Macquarie, NSW

    The Big Water Dragon, Port Macquarie, New South Wales

    Port Macquarie? More like Port Mac-don’t-worry, because there’s a giant aquatic lizard watching over the town! The Big Water Dragon was installed in 2017, as part of major upgrades to the historic Kooloonbung Creek Nature Park.

    The park is also home to over 100,000 flying foxes, who can be seen hanging from trees down by the well-maintained mangroves boardwalk. Sadly they’re all normally-sized and prone to urinating on visitors.

    The Big Water Dragon was crafted by Bill Lawrence of the Natural Landscape Co., with help from talented concreter Matt ‘The Boss’ Penboss. His vivid, colourful paintjob was completed by local artist Lynley Kirkness, who poured her heart and soul into this project. Lyn, you might want to sit down before reading on.

    Won’t somebody please think of the supersized lizard!

    Obviously unimpressed by Lyn’s keen eye for pastel hues, some local tough guys have decorated the poor water dragon with a variety of illegible tags and sadly all-too-legible depictions of male genitalia.

    These hooligans have turned the park into their own personal den of inequity and took immediate exception to my androgynous dress sense and shrill, girlish squeals of delight.

    A severe beating was in the offing until I calmed the unruly mob down by explaining the cultural significance of the Big Water Dragon and his unique place within the pantheon of Australian Big Things. They seemed particularly inspired by my tales of the nearby Big Bowl and Big Koala Family, along with other giant lizards Joanna, Dirrawuhn and Frilly.

    After listening intently for several hours, the heavily-tattooed gangbangers not only decided against using my gall bladder as a football – as had been the general consensus – but also that they might think about putting their shirts back on and looking for jobs.

    One even suggested he’d stop smoking marijuana out of plastic orange juice bottles, but I’ll believe that when I see it.

    The Big Water Dragon and the inimitable Bigs Bardot; proving that not all heroes wear capes, but that they usually are just as cute as a button!

  • The Big Koala Family, Port Macquarie, NSW

    The Big Koala Family, Billabong Zoo, Port Macquarie, New South Wales

    We are family
    I got all my koalas with me
    We are family
    Get up to Port Mac for this Big Thing

    Good things come in threes… or should I say Big Things come in TREES! Either way, this trio of torpid titans are the perfect embodiment of the modern euc-lear family.

    The Big Koala Family stand a grand total of eight metres tall and take pride of place in front of Port Macquarie’s sprawling Billabong Zoo, where it’s possible to take a happy snap with one of their regular-sized cousins. Emphasis on regular-sized, so I didn’t bother going in there.

    The monument is lovingly maintained and anatomically correct. There’s enough humour and character in the design to make for fun photos, and the gang are well positioned within lush bushland for a meet and greet.

    You could even say they’re un-bear-ably cute! Even though, scientifically, koalas aren’t bears, they’re marsupials. Thanks, biology, for getting in the way of another of my jokes!

    They’re a weird, yet adorable, mob!

    You might be surprised to learn that these Aussie icons are, like many of us, immigrants. The Big Koala Family was built by Natureworks (the Big Thorny Devil; Frilly the Lizard) in 1990, originally taking up residence in front of the successful Coffs Harbour Zoo. Those were the halcyon days of the town, with the Big Banana and Big Bunch of Bananas also proving a-peel-ing to tourists.

    Cataclysmically, the allure of this fabulous family wasn’t enough to save the zoo, which closed in 2007. Amid the hopelessness and destruction, the brave refugees packed their pouches for the long, hazardous journey south. Fending off bigotry, poverty and the fact everyone drives on the wrong side of the road, they found solace in another subtropical paradise.

    Like most ethnics, they’ve become much-loved members of their community – much like the nearby Big Bowl. Their vibrant migrant community is growing, with more than 80 one-metre-tall koalas hidden around town. Sure, there are a few concerns regarding the changing demographics of Port Mac, but most welcome their hairy, chlamydia-riddled new neighbours. Next they’ll be asking for the vote!

    A koala-ty design

    Keeping with the theme of family, I visited with my best friend/mentor Gordon Shumway and Rory, our adopted son. Rory is a child of koala background, and it was illuminating for him to meet others of his kind. As we left the zoo, I pinched Rory’s chubby little cheek and asked him what it was like to learn more about his history and culture.

    “I guess it was cool,” Rory replied, before returning to a YouTube video featuring a woman dressed as a princess opening Kinder Surprise chocolate eggs. Kids, hey!

    Fun fact: the two adult koalas are, in fact, both male. There you go – large and progressive!

    A note from the inimitable Bigs Bardot: Unfortunately I inadvertently outed two brave and sanctimonious koalas in this article. For that I apologise unreservedly. Coming out is a process that should never be taken out of someone’s hands and, as someone whose sexuality is under constant media scrutiny, I’m ashamed of my actions.

    Geoff and Scott – you’re braver than you can ever know. I’ve left the article untouched as a tribute both to my callousness and your gallantry as gay koalas. You guys rock!

  • The Drip, Cowarra, NSW

    The Drip, Cowarra Dam, New South Wales

    H2-oh-my-gawd-it’s-awesome! The mesh-merizing Big Drip stands a pants-wetting 4.5 metres tall and can be found by the banks of the mouthwatering Cowarra Dam. The Drip made a splash when she was unveiled to a curious public in 2005, and has been making waves in the community ever since.

    Designed by aqueous artiste Peter Allison and crafted from rainless steel, the Drip is one of the most unique Big Things I’ve ever o-seen. She was conceived as a celebration of the majesty of the dam and its water, and it’s not hard to drink in the significance of this cultural icon.

    “The concept is designed to draw the attention of the viewer to the essence of what the dam site is all about – water in its micro and macro forms,” a highly-enlightening plaque states. “It is hoped that the viewer will reflect upon the enormity of our dependence on this precious resource.”

    I’d suggest that Big Things are the only true ‘precious resource’ we have a dependence on, so we’ll have to agree to disagree.

    The lovingly-landscaped littoral of the levee is a peaceful and picturesque spot to stop for a light lunch. There are modern BBQ facilities, verdant lawns, and dozens of informative signs sharing a wealth of knowledge on the area’s rich history.

    There’s even a series of stunning steel cut-outs of native Aussie animals, and kitschy boomerang-shaped picnic seats, so there’s something for everyone. Yes, Shane, even you.

    It was hoped The Drip would open the floodgates for more Big Things near Cowarra however, with the exception of the Big Bow and Arrow, that’s failed to eventu-hydrate. But that’s all water under the bridge now.

    Why not go with the flow and lake shore to visit this wet wonder – you’d have to be a real drip to miss out!

  • The Big Motorcycle, Nabiac, NSW

    The Big Motorcycle, Nabiac, New South Wales Handsome, refined gentleman with large motorbike

    Get your motor runnin’
    Head out on the Pacific Highway
    Looking for a huge motorbike
    That will really make your day

    Yeah, the folks of Nabiac made it happen
    Their National Motorcycle Museum is ace
    Enough room for everyone to visit at once
    Eight hundred classic bikes you’re not allowed to race

    Normal-sized bikes are frightenin’
    Almost make me chunder!
    But if that bike’s a Big Thing
    I just stare at it in wonder!

    Yeah, Brian and Margaret Kelleher made it happen
    Their National Motorcycle Museum’s the place
    If you don’t go there you’re a dunce
    Light refreshments to stuff in your face

    Like a true Aussie child
    We were born
    Born to be wild (for Big Things)
    You’d need to climb so high
    To get up on this ride

    Born to be wild (for Big Things)
    Born to be wild (for Nabiac’s Big Motorcycle)

    Get your motor runnin’
    Head up the coast today
    Looking for a huge motorbike
    Photos are free, put your wallet away

    Yeah, motorcycle enthusiasts across the country made it happen
    By donating choppers to fill the space
    Some tough bikies told me more than once
    That my bright pink Peugeot Tweet’s a disgrace

    Like a true Aussie child
    We were born
    Born to be wild (for Big Things)
    The Big Motorcycle will make you sigh
    The folks of Nabiac must be full of pride

    Born to be wild (for Big Things)
    Born to be wild (for the largest motorcycle imaginable)

  • Die Große Laterne, Cooma, NSW

    The Big Lantern, Cooma, New South Wales Handsome man with giant lantern

    Guten tag, mein little schnitzels, und willkommen to Miss Heidi’s Austrian Teahouse! Zis is your favourite fräulein Günther von Bigs, here to enlighten you about Die Große Laterne. Ja, I think zat translates to ‘The Big Lantern’ in your wunderbar language.

    Zis niedlich roadside attraction can be found out ze front of zis historic restaurant near Vienna. Nein, I mean Cooma – I always get zose zwei confused!

    Miss Heidi serves a köstlich selection of pancakes, soups, cakes und other traditional Austrian dishes. I spent an enchanting evening cramming bratwurst into my insatiable gullet, und even took on a strudel so large it left me walking like a constipated nilpferd.

    I didn’t even mind when ze chef burnt my schnitzel, as ze smell conjured fantastisch memories of my carefree days as a camp counsellor in schönes Mauthausen. Despite offering a range of activities including kayaking und rock climbing, ze campers rarely cracked a smile. Maybe it was because zey didn’t have a giant lantern to admire?

    Auf wiedersehen, pets!

    Bitte beachten Sie: Entschuldigung for not appearing in my lederhosen und Tirolerhut. I vas returning from die discotheque when my life partner Klaus took this spontaneous foto. Danke, my little currywurst!

  • The Big Headphones, Newcastle, NSW

    The Big Headphones, Newcastle, New South Wales

    Yo, yo, yo! Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care about anything other than Big Things! This is Fatboy Big in da house… or, more precisely, betwixt the Big Headphones! Should you hip hop long to see these merry music-makers? Tune in to find out!

    Looming loud and proud in the Beats-ing heart of Newcastle, it’ll come as music to your ears to hear that these cans are absolutely wonderful. The sense of scale is astonishing, the artwork mesmerising. They fit in well amongst the trendy cafes and breakdancing youths that decorate this cosmopolitan metropolis. There are even some turn-tbles nearby where you can eat your lunch.

    The noble noisemakers were created by the talented Mark Tisdell, who certainly didn’t ‘phone it in, and danced into Darby Street in 2015. “I wanted something for people to walk past and be like, ‘What the…?’” Marky Mark revealed to a flabbergasted journo from the Newcastle Herald.

    Fortunately, Mark, I was slightly more eloquent when I first met them. But I love your work, brother!

    Play that funky music, Bardot!

    The Big Headphones aren’t just pretty, they’re practical. Dump your rump beneath them and guffaw in wonder as music from local artistes washes over you.

    Tragically, I was present for several hours without being graced by the dulcet tones of local legend Super Hubert. Rest assured, I’ve sent Newcastle mayor Nuatali Nelmes several strongly-worded emails and expect this oversight to be rectified soon.

    Novocastrians with musical tendencies can also plop a guitar or bassoon into the Headphones for an impromptu performance. However, when I plugged in a microphone and launched into a medley of Sheb Wooley classics, I was subjected to a series of cruel taunts. The Monster Mash is wasted on some people.

    The hefty Headphones are just a dubstep and a jump from the Big Doc Martens. For more musical marvelry, check out the Big Golden Guitar, the Big Playable Guitar, and the Colossal Compact Disc. It would be a sound decision to visit them all!

    Oh, and it should go without saying, but after this dalliance I certainly consider myself a phonosexual!

  • The Mini Harbour Bridge, Warwick Farm

    The Mini Harbour Bridge, Warwick Farm, New South Wales

    I know what you’re thinking. “Bigs, you’ve lost your mind! The Mini Harbour Bridge can’t possibly be a Big Thing because it’s substantially smaller than the object it’s modelled after. Look, it’s even there in the name. Mini. Mini! Next you’ll be inducting Cockington Green!”

    Your concern is appreciated, but the only thing I’ve lost is 5kg due to a controversial new exercise regime, and I look fantastic. Thanks for noticing. But I’ll stand proudly beside the Mini Harbour Bridge until the day I die.

    The Warwick Farm Wonder’s classification is a constant cause of conjecture within the tight-knit Big Thing community. I’ve ended many lifelong friendships and served some lengthy stretches in prison due to my, at times, quite aggressive defence of this Little Big Coathanger.

    And now, as the government-appointed Custodian of the Bigs, I’m making it official. Mini Harbour Bridge – Big Thing. Take that, Tucker Wankmann!

    The Biggest Little Bridge in the World

    The Mini Harbour Bridge is an astonishing 60 metres wide, making it one of the largest roadside attractions in the southern hemisphere. Built in 1988 to celebrate Australia’s bicentenary, the undersized overpass was plonked in front of a car dealership to coincide with the release of some snazzy new Ford Falcon wagons.

    Funnily enough, what began as a publicity stunt has long outlasted Ford Australia, who shut down in 2016. I know that because I looked it up on Wikipedia, not because I’m some hyper-masculine car buff or anything.

    The Mini Harbour Bridge has become one of the most beloved tourist attractions in the country, with only Ayer’s Rock and the Big Potato welcoming more visitors. It provides a little bit of glamour to the residents of Fairfield, Smithfield and Wetherill Park who can’t afford the train fare to see the real thing.

    As an added bonus, the Bridge Climb over this version takes a lot less time. And anyone who doesn’t find the view out over the Princes Highway beautiful is a troll, as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully a scaled-down troll, to go with the scaled-down Bridge – ha!

    Wheels and Deals!

    Swagger beneath the monument to find the sprawling Peter Warren Automotive, where the prices are as small as the Bridge is big. So enamoured was I by the Bridge that I allowed myself to be talked into buying a shiny new Ram Warlock with extended warranty and something to do with the engine or the batteries or something like that.

    I got a great deal, but unfortunately I’ve never learnt to drive, so I dumped it in the nearby Hungry Jack’s car park and caught the train home. I left the keys in the ignition, so I guess you can have it next time you go to see the Mini Harbour Bridge.

    Now, where’s the scaled-down version of the Sydney Opera House?

  • The Big Red Bug, Salt Ash, NSW

    The Big Red Bug, Salt Ash, New South Wales

    Port Stephens has been invaded by the largest pest in the world – and the locals couldn’t be happier! The Big Red Bug stands two metres tall and can be found rocking out at 419 Lemon Tree Passage Road.

    With his cocksure swagger and cheeky smile, this is one roadside attraction with a ’tude just as big as he is. The only thing he’s missing is a couple of legs, because he only has four. It bugs the question, what happened to the rest?

    Beetle by beetle, the Big Red Bug has burrowed his way into the community. As the mascot of Complete Pest Services, this not-so-creepy crawly is leading the battle against ticks, termites and spiders. Hopefully he’ll leave the nearby Ossie the Mossie alone!

    The Big Red Bug is certainly active, and was built onto a trailer so he can take day trips. Until recently he lived in an industrial estate in nearby Lemon Tree Passage, and I was on the verge of tears when I turned up and he was nowhere to be seen. Fortunately a big-hearted tradie settled me down with a warm embrace, and pointed me towards the Bug’s current residence.

    If not for Massoud, I mite not have found this critter at all.

    I don’t think this red rascal will be leaving his current home anytime soon, because he looks snug as a bug in a rug. He’s also within flying distance of his favourite food, the scrumptious Big Peach. You’ll never get sick of his ant-ics, so stop by for an insect-ion!

  • The Big Apple, Darkes Forest, NSW

    The Big Apple, Darkes Forest, New South Wales

    He’s supple, shiny and perfectly proportioned – but enough about the inimitable Bigs Bardot! We’re here to talk about the scrumptious Big Apple of Darkes Forest.

    Whilst he’s not the biggest of the many apples south of Sydney – that honour goes to the Tallong Apple – this red delicious is a real man of the people. He’s super close to the ground and perfectly positioned for a hug and a kiss. I can tell you from experience that he’s open to both.

    As crimson as the flame trees that decorate the Illawarra, the Big Apple is truly the maça of his domain. He’s a great representative of the nearby Glenbernie Orchard

    Owned by the good folks at Darkes Cider, the apple lurks wistfully in the car park in front of their cellar door. Say hello before popping in to try their wide range of handcrafted alcoholic beverages. The good news is, you might be seeing two Big Apples as you stumble back out.

    Unfortunately my little alien friend Gordon overindulged on the honey mead, and I was forced to escort him from the premises before a burly biker could deliver a swift beating. He spent a teary moment with the apple where he expressed his undying affection for the fruit, before taking a swing at me and passing out.

    Needless to say, it’s sparkling apple juice for Gordon from now on.

  • Discobolus, Sydney Olympic Park, NSW

    Discobolus, Sydney Olympic Park, New South Wales

    We need to discuss the true star of the 2000 Sydney Olympics… or should that be discus? The stunning, circular Discobolus lies within the shadows of the Olym-big stadium, and serves to link the Aussie sporting extravaganza with the ancient Greek games.

    Well, it’s certainly a more family-friendly option than a bunch of naked gentlemen wrestling each other.

    Crafted by Australian artist Robert Owen, Discobolus represents an ancient Greek discus that’s been tossed into the outback, before transitioning into a CD-ROM. Back when Discobolus was unveiled, that was the ultimate symbol of modern life. These days he’d probably be shaped like a set of AirPods.

    This is a seriously impressive work of art, with details that can only be appreciated when the light hits the disc at just the right angle. The names of dozens of people who helped make Discobolus a reality – including yours truly – adorn his adorable abdomen.

    Here’s to those who believed building a statue of a giant circle was more than just a pi in the sky idea!

    Welcome to Discworld

    My first encounter with this not-so-compact disc came when I was little more than an infant, ‘neath a blood-red sky just moments before the Opening Ceremony of the Sydney Games. As Nikki Webster’s understudy, I had just received the devastating news that she hadn’t been struck down by food poisoning, and my dreams of taking her place as the young Kylie Minogue had been dashed.

    I was crushed, but through the tears I spotted what appeared to be a silver spaceship. He certainly was out of this world and, in my darkest moment, it was the dashing disc that guided me through the minefield of my prepubescent emotions. Standing beneath him 21 years later, the bond we forged was stronger than ever.

    Whilst reflecting upon that turbulent period, I noticed a waifish lass also admiring Discobolus. With blonde hair cascading past her shoulders, the girl was beautiful yet consumed by regret. I recognised her immediately. My eyes met Nikki Webster’s, and we drew together beneath the monstrous discus.

    “You know what, Bigs?” Nikki Webster whispered. “Neither of us should have played the part of Young Kylie Minogue. It should’ve been Discobolus.”

    I nodded knowingly, ending our decades-long rivalry. The moment was bittersweet. A few minutes of shy awkwardness followed, before Nikki Webster cut through the silence.

    “You want to sing Strawberry Kisses with me, right?”

    “Nikki Webster,” I blubbered, taking her dainty hand in mine, “I thought you’d never ask!”

  • Queany the Platypus, Queanbeyan, NSW

    Queany the Platypus, Queanbeyan, New South Wales

    Please rise for Her Royal Wetness, Queany the Platypus! The 500kg mammalian monarch rests regally by the Queanbeyan River, ruling the hearts of locals with a strong yet webbed fist.

    Queany is the crowning achievement of Neil Dickinson and ascended to the throne in 2016. She was designed to put Queanbeyan – which has long stood in Canberra’s shadow – on the map. She’s certainly made that platypossible!

    “We were originally going to do something quite modest and it just developed,” Dicko told a fascinated reporter from the ABC. “Platypus are in the river here, so it was quite exciting.”

    I don’t know the bill for Queany’s construction, but I’m sure it was mono-ex-tremely reasonable. Hopefully Dicko gets royalties from her success.

    Queany has a massive personality that belies her compact proportions. Whilst much bigger than a real-life platypus, she’s only the size of a large dog and would struggle to climb upon the nearby Giant Chair. Ah, now her Napoleon complex makes sense!

    Despite presenting herself as a strong, independent woman, this ravishing royal seems to be forever looking for her King. She enjoyed a whirlwind romance with Morty the Snail, sending the notoriously rabid Queanbeyan paparazzi into a spin, but the two decided they were better off as friends.

    It’s probably for the best. We all saw what happened when Prince Harry shacked up with a commoner, and they’re the same species.

    I could gush over Queany forever, but I’d be splashing into platytudes!

  • The Googong Giant Chair, Googong, NSW

    The Giant Chair, Googong, New South Wales

    Hey gang, I have some bad news. I’ve been shrunk down to a fraction of my normal height! Just look at me sitting here on a normal, regular-sized chair.

    Tee-hee, only kidding! I’m still as Big as I always was, it’s just that I’m perched upon the immense Googong Giant Chair. Although I must say that being smaller would have its perks, such as Big Things seeming even huger than they already are!

    This stupendous structure is more than three metres tall, and carved from particularly sturdy wood. There’s enough room for an entire family to snuggle in for a happy snap. I’m estranged from the other members of the Bardot clan, so brought my best friend Gordon Shumway along instead. He thought it was one of mankind’s greatest seats of civil engineering!

    Chairing is caring

    The Chair is the beating heart of the modern planned city of Googong, with the locals lined up around the block to feel its warm embrace. But it wasn’t always this way, as I discovered several years ago whilst enjoying a light brunch with Googong mayor Derryn Wong.

    “Bigs,” Derryn sighed, as he he listlessly stirred his lemon sorbet. “I have built such a wonderful town, in such an incredible part of the country, but nobody wants to move here. The houses are empty, the streets are windswept. Bigs, I could lose everything.”

    “Derryn,” I replied, before pausing for dramatic effect, “you know there’s only one thing that can transform Googong into the world-class city we both know it should be.”

    Derryn thought for a moment, peering out towards the hazy hills. The lemon sorbet was stirred once again, before the mayor leapt to his feet.

    “I should build a Big!” he exclaimed.

    “Yes Derryn, what a wonderful idea,” I replied, allowing him to have his moment in the spotlight. Then, just as fast as he had risen, Derryn slumped back into his seat. The poor old lemon sorbet was stirred once more.

    “But what should I build? I have so many ideas when it comes to cost-efficient housing, but you’re the expert on Big Things. Bigs, oh Bigs, what should I build for my fellow Googongians?”

    “Only you can decide that,” I whispered, clutching Derryn’s hand to both reassure him and to prevent him from harassing the lemon sorbet any longer. “Just make sure it’s something that supports this vibrant, growing community. Something they’ll be comfortable with. A feature that will, in time, just feel like part of the furniture.”

    “I get what you’re saying,” chirped Derryn, before winking at me and racing out of the cafe with his chair held aloft. Fortunately I paid for both the chair and the sorbet, so the cafe owners weren’t left short.

    And that, my friends, is the story of how Googong mayor Derryn Wong – a man with all the subtlety of of a sledgehammer – built the Giant Chair.

  • Morty the Snail, Queanbeyan, NSW

    Morty the Snail, Queanbeyan, New South Wales

    Don’t be sluggish if you want to see the world’s largest snail, just escar-go to beautiful Queanbeyan. There you’ll find shy, reclusive Morty hiding in the town’s sensory garden. And despite his relaxed demeanour, he’s fast becoming a local legend!

    Artist Neil Dickinson has worked wonders on this sheepish slowpoke. Morty’s handsome head is quirky and exotic, yet cheerful and comforting. He is at once so shocking enough to stop passersby in their tracks, and completely at one with the lovingly-maintained gardens. He’s even snailor-made for sitting on, so giddy-up for a fun photo!

    Morty – named after his home at Ray Morton Park – cost just $10,000 to bring into this world. That leaves me to moll-ask myself why there aren’t more supersized snails around.

    Queanbeyan Council must agree with me, because Queany the Platypus lives right around the corner from Morty. The Googong Giant Chair isn’t far away, either, and I recommend you go and seat it!

    Spend enough slime with Morty and he really comes out of his shell, proving to be a charming and – at times – roguish gent. And, like all of us, this bashful Big is eternally chasing true love… just at a more sedate pace than some!

    “Morty is a modest chap, he just needs to be loved,” Neil told a pencil-pusher from the Queanbeyan Age. “He’s a nice fellow, quite lovely and I hope everyone embraces him and he becomes part of the landscape.

    “We were looking to create something that was connected to the sensory garden. We started off with an organic, abstract, shell-like form and it just evolved from there. “The response has been overwhelming. It’s good, very positive.”

    I reckon you snailed it, mate!

  • The Big Cauliflower, Waterloo, NSW

    The Big Cauliflower, Waterloo, New South Wales

    Cauliflowers are the sexiest and most sophisticated of vegetables, so of course there’s a massive one living in the trendy inner-city suburb of Waterloo. The Big Cauliflower lurks above the historic Cauliflower Hotel, where it’s happy flower all the time!

    The Hotel dates back to 1862, but the vast veggie isn’t that old. In fact, he looks quite fresh! The original publican, a Mr George Rolfe, built his pub with money he made from selling cauliflowers. He painted one on the side of the building, and the name stuck.

    These days the pub is a hip and happenin’ place with an extensive wine selection and mouthwatering modern American food. It’s the sort of place salad-vertising executives love. Nothing, however, overshadows the real star attraction – the Big Cauliflower. He has a good head on him and looks very much like the real deal.

    The Big Cauliflower isn’t much of an attention-seeker, and is content to sit up there on the roof, people-watching. It makes it difficult to take a photo with him, but after dodging traffic I was veget-able to grab one! I’ll hang it on my kitchen wall, next to my snaps with the Big Potato and the Big Pumpkin.

    Cauliflower Power!

    At the conclusion of the photo shoot I swaggered into the pub was and gleefully ordered a cup of their famous cauliflower beer. The barman looked at me as if I’d beamed down from space and told me they didn’t have anything of the sort, and never had.

    A couple of tough-looking tradies with cauliflower ears even suggested that my kind weren’t welcome there. Discrimination against those with a penchant for oversized produce is alive and well in Sydney, unfortunately.

    Not to be intimidated, I ordered a cup of Resch’s and dunked a generously-proportioned cauliflower in it. The concoction was lumpy, chunky, and smelled like a homeless man’s underwear, but I forced it down. The tradies soon revised their opinion of me, cheering me on as I downed cup after cup of lukewarm cauliflower beer.

    I ended up becoming physically ill and was forcefully ejected by a burly security guard, but it was worth it because I wasn’t going to let them think they’d won.

  • The Hardware Man, Unanderra, NSW

    The Hardware Man, Unanderra, New South Wales

    Set your heart to ‘swoon’ and say hello to a big, burly bloke who’s good with his hands and could build a rat trap out of some paper clips and a broken zip-tie.

    Oh no, not me! I call Hire-a-Hubby to change my toilet paper. I’m talking about the hunky Hardware Man, who I was lucky enough to have a drilling encounter with during a trip to Wollongong.

    Despite boasting a chiseled physique, the Hardware Man’s proportions are endearingly odd. His bits and bobs get larger as you head south, meaning he has a rugged pinhead and massive boots. But you know what they say about a man with big shoes – he must have big feet, tee-hee!

    This bearded beauty stands proudly by the busy Princes Highway, saw it’s quite a feat to get a snap with him. To achieve a decent angle grinder, I had to set my camera up on one side of the road and then dodge traffic to get near the hulking hunk. It’s easy to screw up a photo op like this, but I think I nailed it. As you can imagine, I was in quite high spirit levels when it worked out!

    Just quietly, I think he’d be a good match for Wo-Man, because they both like showing off their tools – and I’m not talking about the Big Axe!

    Big Man, Bigger Savings!

    The Hardware Man is the mascot for the legendary shop of the same name, which has been supplying the South Coast with hammers and nails for over 50 years. And yes, they do free pool water testing in-store!

    Feeling it would be rude not to pop in to say hello, I sequestered away into the voluminous yellow building. Four hours later I emerged with a wheelbarrow overflowing with safety goggles, a circular saw, needle-nosed pliers, industrial-strength paint stripper, some sort of chainsaw thing and 15 litres of weedkiller. What can I say; my penchant for impulse purchases is matched only by the Hardware Man’s extensive range and competitive prices.

    I hate to hammer the point, but Hardware Man is incredible! Oh, and if anyone needs a whole bunch of quality DIY equipment that I’ll never use, drop me a line.

  • The Big Teapot, Leura, NSW

    The Big Teapot, Leura, New South Wales

    I’m a handsome teapot
    There’s no doubt
    Here is my handle, here is my spout
    When I find a Big Thing
    Then I shout
    Stop the car and let me out!

    Although I’m not one to spill the tea, I must say that this ‘pot is really brew-tiful! You can find her in front of Bygone Beautys, which houses the world’s largest private teapot collection.

    There are more than 5,500 regular-sized jugs inside, from around the world and across the centuries. None, however, are as breathtaking as the tea-lightful Big Thing outside.

    Just look at that bunny perched on top of the ‘pot! The whimsical wabbit is straight out of Alice in Wonderland, and recalls the innocence and curiosity of youth. And don’t worry, he won’t be late for a very important date with your heart!

    The whole complex is straight out of a fairy tale. Resting peacefully in a tree-lined street in the majestic mountain village of Leura, Bygone Beautys is only minutes from magnificent lookouts. There’s nowhere more inviting on a frosty winter’s afternoon.

    The museum serves a scrumptious range of teas, sandwiches and deserts to please all palates. I allowed myself a moment of decadence by wallowing in the rich tapestry of a cup of Turkish Apple Infusion tea and a generous serving of bread and butter pudding with whipped cream.

    It probably went straight to my hips but, then again, you only live once.

    The theatrical service so enthralled me that I managed to stop peeking out the window at the Big Teapot every five minutes. I even considered treating myself to the famous apple pie, but then realised such an action would likely upset a nearby Big Thing.

    Even though the skies were a little Earl Grey when I visited, I couldn’t miss the opportuni-tea to see this prodigious ‘pot. Don’t kettle for second best!

  • The Big Flower, Ourimbah, NSW

    The Big Flower, Ourimbah, New South Wales

    If it’s wrong for a 38-year-old man to dress up as a pansy and dance in front of The Big Flower, then I don’t want to be right. What can I say – this daisy is drivin’ me crazy!

    As tall as he is handsome, the Big Flower has a kitschy charm and refreshing innocence that’s granted him cult status on the Central Coast. For decades he’s welcomed visitors to to this subtropical paradise. One glance at that big, happy grin is enough to know that all is well in the world.

    The plucky perennial smiles happily at drivers along the M1 freeway, so you don’t need to be a palm reader to find him. Simp-tree take the Ourimbah exit and there he is – I’m sure you can fig-ure it out!

    After taking some happy snaps, spring into the Big Flower Nursery, which has thousands of flowers set out in neat rose. The staff dafodil-igently water them every day, and it’s quite a cycad-venture to roam through. The prices are quite reasonable, if you’re watching your frangi-pennies.

    If you’re after a light ca-meal-ia, the on-site cafe offers a scrumptious selection of sweets. Apparently the scones are gerani-yum!

    The Big Flower is not aloe-n on the Central Coast. Ploddy, Frilly, Lizzo and Daryl are just a few minutes drive south. Alan Davidson’s Balls are on the short drive into Gosford, where you’ll find the Big Poppies. They all hope to bank-seeya soon. Or should that be bloom?

    I’m not dande-lyin’ when I say I wish the Big Flower was jas-mine!

  • The Big Koala, Doonside, NSW

    The Big Koala, Doonside, New South Wales, Australia

    What’s cute, cuddly, and widely beloved despite being considered daggy by zoomers? These three guys right here! Sardonic alien Gordon Shumway joined me on this visit to Featherdale Wildlife Park, where we met the un-bear-ably handsome Big Koala.

    He’s not the biggest arboreal herbivorous marsupial around – that distinction goes to the Giant Koala in Dadswells Bridge, Victoria. But he’s 1.5 metres tall and made from high-koalaty materials, so I think he koalafies. Honestly, would you like to have a furr-ocious fellow that size slowly following you? Didn’t think so!

    As a tiny zoo swamped by the endless banality of suburbia, Featherdale is a throwback to a more innocent time. The Big Koala fits in well, because he’s simple and homely. I assume he arrived around 1972, when the park opened, making him one of Australia’s oldest Bigs. There have been numerous attempts to turn the park into housing, but the locals fought against its claws-ure.

    The Big Koala’s pouch-standing popularity proved inspirational to many nearby businesses. The Big Chook, Big Axe and Big Roller Skate are all within a short gallop.

    Dozens of world-famous celebs such as Leo DiCaprio, Bobby De Niro, Fatty Vautin, and the irresistible Taylor Lautner have spent time with the Big Koala. I saw the manager taking down Gwen Stefani’s photo to make room for this happy snap of Gordon and I. Unfortunately Ko-Ali G, Leaf Cassidy and pop group U-calyptus 2 haven’t visited yet.

    Featherdale is also home to quokkas, crocs, kangaroos and penguins. It’s possible to take a selfie with them, but why bother when there’s an awesome Big out the front? And sorry, ladies, but the little furry alien was a one-time deal ?

    The three of us had a mar-super-ial time together. We even enjoyed a piña koala or two!

  • The Big Pencil, Newcastle, NSW

    The Big Pencil, Newcastle, New South Wales

    2B or not 2B, that is the question. And the answer, of course, is not 2B, as the perky Pencil is clearly an HB, the most princely on the graphite grading scale.

    Positioned beneath the jaw-droppingly beautiful Nobbys Lighthouse along Newcastle’s eastern beaches, he doubles as a seat from which to enjoy this glorious part of the world. Despite what you may think, the area’s not sketchy at all!

    And don’t worry, this scribbly sensation won’t be going anywhere, because he’s stationary. Now that’s worth writing home about!

    I’ve been lead to believe the Big Headphones and Ossie the Mossie are nearby, but what about a Big Sharpener? I’d hate for this crazy crayon to get blunt!

    Time to pencil in a visit to Newie, Big Thing lovers!

  • The Big Playable Guitar, Narrandera, NSW

    The Big Playable Guitar, Narrandera, New South Wales

    For more than a decade, the far-flung village of Narrandera was the centre of the Big Thing universe. As home to the World’s Largest Playable Guitar – a 5.82m-long acoustic axe that fascinated music lovers and Thing-o-philes alike – the region’s economy boomed. Then the unthinkable happened, and it all came crashing down. This is the story of how the music almost died.

    Looking to promote the Country Music Club of Narrandera, local guitar guru Robert Palmer (who may or may not be the Simply Irresistible dude) spent more than 300 hours carefully crafting the bodacious banjo, before presenting it to the public in 1988. Headbangers, country bumpkins and wannabe rock gods put aside their differences as they teamed up to play the fully-functional fiddle, which is so big it requires a small team of musicians to play it.

    When the Guitar was listed in the 1991 edition of the Guinness Book of Records, the town’s pubs were drunk dry in celebration. Tourism reached record highs and every road led to Narrandera. There was even talk of building an international airport with direct flights from Shanghai and Wagga Wagga to cope with the sightseers. The owners of the other Big Guitar could only look on with envious eyes. 

    But, as pop legend Bob Dylan once warbled, “The times, they are a-changin’”, and darkness descended upon Narrandera in 2000. And I’m not talking about Y2K, although many locals did unplug their toasters as a preventative measure against them gaining sentience and chasing them around the kitchen.

    Don’t mess with Texas

    Proving that everything is indeed bigger in Texas, a bunch of rowdy students from the Academy of Science and Technology in Conroe built an immense, 13.3-metre-long playable guitar and cruelly snatched the record. Conroe got the tourists. Conroe got the fame. Sadly, Conroe even got the international airport with direct flights from Shanghai and Wagga Wagga.

    The unveiling of the Big Tennis Racquet in nearby Barellan was a further humiliation for the townsfolk, who were often the subject of cruel taunts from their northern neighbours. Not surprisingly, they soon reached break point.

    The people of Narrandera were left with nothing but the shirts on their backs (which were, shockingly, emblazoned with the words ‘World’s Largest Playable Guitar’ and thus rendered unfashionable). The town never fully recovered from the tragedy, and when I visited a palpable atmosphere of depression and defeat engulfed Narrandera like a thick fog. I struggled to locate the huge ukelele, because locals burst into tears when I asked about it.

    Yesterday’s guitar hero

    After discovering the Guitar had been sequestered away to the Narrandera Visitor Information Centre, I trotted inside and was led out the back by a very pleasant volunteer. The Guitar didn’t string me along, and we shared a chord-ial greeting. He may be the second-biggest playable guitar, but, with his handsome plywood body and carefully-painted details, he’s number one in my heart!

    I plucked up the courage to play with him and, with the assistance of a rambunctious local granny, banged out a rousing rendition of Old Time Rock and Roll. As we segued seamlessly into The Crocodile Rock, local shopkeepers and students swept in through the front doors, surprised but delighted to hear the Guitar playing once again. Narranderans jived and gyrated as our playing became wilder, and the gloom that had consumed the town lifted.

    With sweat pouring down my face and the final echoes of my hour-long interpretation of Stairway to Heaven fading in the twilight, I felt a firm but friendly hand on my shoulder. Turning, I was met by an impish man in a broad, black hat – my good mate, roadside attraction-loving country music legend Lee Kernaghan. We embraced in front of the Big Playable Guitar as our admirers cheered us on.

    Lee, me, and the Guitar make three!

    “We need to stop cuddling in front of Big Guitars,” I beamed when we finally came up for air.

    “Bigs,” Lee Kernaghan rasped, with tears in his eyes. “Look at what you’ve done! You’ve brought life and love back to Narrandera. You’ve saved the bloody town, mate.”

    “Firstly, Lee Kernaghan, I don’t care for your colourful language,” I snapped. “You’re a talented songwriter who can surely find more appropriate ways to express yourself. And anyway, the Big Playable Guitar is the true hero of this story. I’m just a vagabond with a heart of gold, travelling the land to cast light upon the trials and tribulations of our beautiful Bigs.”

    “My apologies, Bigs. You’re right as always. Do you want some more of these Country Music Awards? I won another eight this year and they’re just piling up. I’ve been using them to tip waiters.”

    And so, with a song once more in the heart of every Narranderan, Lee Kernaghan and I climbed atop my scooter and burnt out in the endless night. With our smiles cutting through the darkness and only the stars to guide us, we chased our next Big adventure.

  • The Big Gold Panner Man, Bathurst, NSW

    The Big Gold Panner Man, Bathurst, New South Wales, Australia

    A word of warning, this Big is a real gold digger!

    Tall, dark and handsome, the Big Gold Panner Man sauntered into the historic inland city of Bathurst in 1979, taking up residence outside the lavish Gold Panner Motor Inn. He welcomes millions of visitors from Sydney each year, many of whom can barely pan-dle their excitement.

    Not surprisingly, he’s become by far the most famous and celebrated thing about this bustling Gold Rush town, edging out the extraordinary Town Square and the fascinating Fossil and Mineral Museum.

    But wait, there’s more! Big Thing lovers can actually tick two landmarks off their bucket list in one go, because the World’s Biggest Beard is also on display here!

    That hasn’t helped him find gold, though, and after 42 years he’s yet to strike it lucky. But he has found the love and admiration of a nation, which is far more valuable than a precious yellow mineral.

    Despite bending over to work with his impressively-realised mining equipment, the Big Gold Panner Man measures five metres from the bottom of his sturdy shoes to the top of his trendy hat. This makes him the second-tallest human Big in Australia after The King of Atlantis.

    He might posses a rugged manliness, but the Big Gold Panner Man is also a forgetful chap. He left his Big Lamp in nearby Lithgow, his Big Spade in Chiltern and his Big Gold Pick and Pan in far-flung Grenfell. Oh well, that just makes it more fun to track them all down.

    As one of the kindest and most respectful characters in the Land of the Bigs, this major miner proves all that glitters is gold – and there’s more than a nugget of truth to that!

    Slip an extra Gordon on the barbie!

    There was a brief moment of unpleasantness during my date with the Gold Panner, when he scooped Gordon into his skillet and threatened to fry him up for dinner. I know what you’re thinking – two big, tough, macho men marking their turf.

    But, really, it was all Gordon’s fault. He was behaving in an antagonistic manner towards the Gold Panner and said his hat looked effeminate, so he had it coming.

    Fortunately the kind-hearted giant let his much smaller rival get away, shaken but not stirred. You might not be so lucky next time, Gordon!

  • The Big Potato, Robertson, NSW

    Some think he looks more like a Poo-tato than a Potato, but I reckon he’s a real spud-muffin! The 10-metre-wide, four-metre-tall Big Potato was carefully crafted in 1977 by local farmer Jim Mauger, and stands in starch contrast to the rural village of Robertson that houses him. 

    Modelled after the delicious Sebago variety of spud, the beguiling Big Potato was designed to house a vegetable museum that, tragically, never eventu-tatered. Wipe away those tears because there are plenty of takeaway shops in town, so you’ll be able to find some potato scallops to study!

    The best place to gobble your lunch is right next to the Big Potato, because his admirers recently chipped in to landscape the park he lives in, and he’s now wedged between some delightful picnic tables. It’s particularly fun to watch the endless stream of spec-taters stopping by for selfies!

    Right next door is the ravishing Robertson Supermarket, which offers a wide range of Big Potato magnets, stickers and tea towels. I bought a scrumptious Spud t-shirt that I wear several times a week – we’re a mash made in heaven!

    He’s for sale… and cheap as chips!

    If this is spud at first sight, I have some wonderful news – The Big Potato can be yours for the bargain price of $920,000. That’s right, his current owners, Heather and Neil Tait (yes, that’s their real names! If only everyone in possession of a Big was forced to have a related name!) are looking to bake someone’s day by sending this potato to the market.

    Imagine living inside a giant potato – wouldn’t it be a lux-tuber-ous existence! You’d also be perfectly positioned to make regular day trips to Yerrinbool’s amazing Apple, because it’s a short drive away.

    Astonishingly the Big Potato isn’t heritage listed, therefore it could be demolished by a cold-hearted developer. So come on, Big Thing fanatics, let’s pool our money and buy. I therefore raise my hand to be the care-tater.

    There’s no sprout about it, this potato is a gem!

  • The Big Knight, Knockrow, NSW

    The Big Knight, Knockrow, New South Wales

    Hear ye, hear ye! ‘Tis I, Sir Bigs-a-Lot of Kingdom Bardot, and I doth welcome thee to a time when fearless warriors and ferocious dragons roamed the landscape of northern New South Wales. Please pop on ye olde face mask, as ’tis a spot of bubonic plague around – tee hee!

    Just kidding, I’m really your friend Bigs Bardot, and it’s knights for you to join me as I share some kind swords regarding this 6.5-metre nobleman. The Big Knight’s been protecting the good folk of the Macadamia Castle since 1985 and, despite looking a bit scary at first lance, is one of the most pleasant fellows I’ve ever hel-met.

    Indeed, you won’t find armour wonderful chap!

    A quick note: The Big Knight was, shamefully, removed in early-2023. He has been purchased by the friendly folk at the Coffs Harbour Butterfly House, and I’ll let you all know when he’s been installed.
    The crux of this entry has been left unchanged, to allow us all to step back to a simpler, more whimsical time. Namaste.

    Lord of the Sword

    The Knight, as he’s officially known, is the creation of local botanist Ken McDonald, who long ran a plant stand at the castle and dreamed of selling more seeds to tourists. He set to work designing a dapper dude of enormous proportions, basing him on a suit of armour on display in the castle.

    “I just measured everything and drew it up, then multiplied it by three,” Ken explained in the official history of the castle. “First thing I did was build a big rotating spit, just like you’d use to cook a pig. That way I could build the Knight’s frame onto it and rotate it around as I applied the fibreglass.”

    Ken used steel pipes for the frame and flat steel strips for the Knight’s robust body. He had a little trouble balancing himself (the Knight, that is, not Ken), so the sword and lance were reinforced to keep him upright.

    Lennox Head luminary and surfboard shaping superstar Bob McTavish was tasked with applying the intricate fibreglass details to the Knight – and was forced to come up with some creative solutions to complete the job.

    “For the head, we went shopping in Ballina to find just the right sized beach ball, inflated it and coated it with resin,” jabbered Bob. “When it set, we deflated it and kept on adding more and more layers for strength.”

    Boogie Knights

    After three months of tireless work, the 6.5-metre-tall gentleman was unveiled to a delighted public. He was originally adorned with white armour and a red cross, which were added by local artist Mark Waller.

    “It was supposed to be St George, you see,” Ken declared, “and I’ve always had this dream of building a dragon to lie down at his feet.”

    It’ll be a maca-damn-ia shame if that doesn’t happen!

    The Knight’s home has been through a number of owners and names over the years, and these days the Macadamia Castle is definitely worth taking a pecan at, with putt-putt golf, a small zoo, a salubrious cafe and sprawling shopping options. I enjoyed dropping my tough guy facade for a few moments to show off my inner Maid Marian in the gift shop. A Round Table discussion decided I looked delightful!

    Those on a road trip along that NSW North Coast are often left ponder whether the Big Knight could defeat the nearby Big Prawn in a battle but honestly, our beautiful Bigs are peaceful beings, so you’d have to be medi-evil to contemplate that!

    A Hard Day’s Knight

    The Knight’s debonair swagger and pensive masculinity, though inspirational, have not been enough to stave off the threat of image-obsessed millennials. The new owners of the Castle – who have transformed it into some sort of petting zoo – saw little value in his history, bravery and importance to the community, and so tore him down in early 2023.

    A hero to millions and an integral thread in the fabric of Knockrow, he was knocked down in the name of progress. The Knight’s muscular legs were smashed to bits, and he was dragged through the dirt like a filthy commoner. The good people of Knockrow wept as one. They’d lost their inspiration. Many turned to narcotics to fill the void.

    Thankfully, they are willing to sell what’s left of The Big Knight to the highest bidder. Not wanting to be gazumped, I put in an offer of $1.2 million to purchase the shiny hunk, hoping he’d spearhead my grandiose plans for a sprawling medieval-themed gentlemens club up the road in Binna Burra.

    Sadly it seems my cheque was lost in the mail, because he was snapped up by the happy chappies at the Coffs Harbour Butterfly House. Ah well, maybe I’ll buy the Big Banana instead!

  • Wo-Man, Garland Valley, NSW

    Wo-Man, Garland Valley, New South Wales

    As a passionate supporter of the LGBTQI+ community, it’s my pleasure to introduce Australia’s very first transgender Big – the voluptuous Wo-Man! Xe is loud and proud and shimmers like a disco ball, bedazzling all who venture into the backwoods of Wollombi.

    This remote location is a surprising home for such a progressive Big, who’s happy to show off xis ample bosom and metallic member for anyone to see. Xe has legs for days and is the true monarch of the forest, so if you think I sound jealous, I am!

    An abandoned service station, rotting furniture and desolate fields make for a lonely yet unique home for Wo-Man, and there’s even a rusting yacht on site, despite being hours from the coast. It’s like a scene from a bloodthirsty horror movie, with Wo-Man playing the part of the buxom beauty!

    Beauty and the Beast


    There’s trouble in paradise, however, and I must issue a serious warning to those planning to visit Wo-Man, as xis owner is a real oddball and not particularly welcoming of those who stop for a photo. In an unprovoked and hyper-aggressive display of male fragility, I was verbally and emotionally abused by the heavily-bearded tough guy as he grilled some sausages, leaving a group of disgusted customers gaping in disbelief. As the vicious words crashed down upon me, I sensed Wo-Man shuddering.

    I would’ve thought someone who built a four-metre-tall trans friend to keep himself company in remote bushland would be more open-minded. Then again, if I owned a Big Thing – especially one as alluring as Wo-Man – I’d probably be a tad possessive, too!

    My suggestion is to pull up, say a quick hello to Wo-Man as you snap a selfie, then drive off before the hate speech starts flying. Hopefully this gentleman’s sausage sizzling skills are better than his social abilities, because he certainly left a sour taste in my mouth!

    My heart weeps to think of Wo-Man being trapped in such a toxic environment, but it’s not my place to get involved. Not just because xe is big enough to fend for xirself, but because xe simply wouldn’t fit on the back of my scooter. Hopefully one day xe’ll meet someone who treats xem the way xe deserves – maybe the hardworking Big Gold Panner, the brave Big Knight, the bashful Coota Giant, or even Matilda. Until then shine on, you crazy diamond!

  • The Big Tennis Racquet, Barellan, NSW

    Serving as a monument to Wimbledon champion and Barellan local Evonne Goolagong Cawley, the 13.8-metre-tall Big Tennis Racquet is a real grand slam and I’m sure you’ll love (it) all!

    Locals were courting the idea of a towering tribute to their tennis treasure for years, and made such a racquet that they netted themselves a Big! This wonderfully-realised statue was unveiled in October 2009 during Barellan’s Centenary celebrations, and is a 20:1 scale replica of Vonnie’s famed wooden signature Dunlop racquet.

    ‘The Sunshine Supergirl’ won 14 majors to become one of the greatest tennis players of all time but could never hold this supersized sports equipment because she is, ironically, quite a diminutive lass. Yes, that was a backhanded compliment!

    Along with a handsome 1.25-metre-wide tennis ball (take note, whoever is responsible for Westbury’s Big Wickets) the Big Tennis Racquet forms a Doubles Team even the Woodies would be envious of. He lives by the side of Barellan‘s sleepy main street, so you won’t be strung along trying to find him. Sorry, it was my fault for that bad joke!

    If, like me, you have three left feet and are drawn more to the arts than sports, the Big Playable Guitar is just down the road at Narrandera – rock on!

    The only small annoyance is that some silly goose planted a decorative bush in baseline-of-sight of this Big, making photos slightly more difficult than they should be. Hopefully they twig to this issue and remove the shrub beforehand it causes further problems.

    Take advantage of the Barellan hospitality, because you’ll have a ball visiting the Big Tennis Racquet. My rating? Ten out of Tennis!

  • Frilly the Lizard, Somersby, NSW

    Frilly the Lizard, Australian Reptile Park, Somersby, Australia

    You might think it’s silly, but I’m in love with a man who’s frilly! For a frill-a-minute encounter with a cold-blooded cutie, head to spectacular Somersby on the scenic Central Coast. Honestly, you’ll be reptiling from ear to ear when you meet this gigantic frilled-neck lizard… but a word of warning, he has a fiery side to him!

    Frilly was painstakingly constructed by the geniuses at Natureworks in 1997, and found a home at the Australian Reptile Park shortly after its relocation from Wyoming. Along with the matriarch of Aussie Big Things, Ploddy the Dinosaur, he lured thousands of visitors to the region, and it was all smiles and crocodiles. Then tragedy struck.

    In the dead of winter, July 17, 2000 – a date no lover of Bigs will ever forget – a ruthless fire ripped through the park, leaving a trail of terror in its wake. A nation celebrated as one when Frilly and Ploddy, the indestructible lizards of Oz, stepped through the hellfire to become beacons of hope for a mourning community.

    There must be something in the water that makes this region’s Bigs imperishable, because the Big Prawn also survived a barbecue attempt. Hopefully Alan Davidson’s Balls and the Big Poppies won’t be next in the firing line!

    Heartbreakingly, hundreds of innocent critters didn’t make it, with only a pig-nosed turtle named Miss Piggy and an alligator snapping turtle named The Terminator surviving. But it was the park’s owners saying, “I’ll be back!”

    They scrambled to rebuild the Aussie Reptile Park, placing Frilly proudly atop at the entrance to welcome visitors. He was soon joined by the dashing Daryl Somersby and the sultry Lizzo to create a true mecca for Big Thing aficionados. With so many large-scale lizards on display, when are goanna visit?

  • Stanley the Emu, Lightning Ridge, NSW

    Everybody’s heard about this bird, which isn’t surprising because Stanley’s 18 metres tall and one of the nest-looking Big Things around. Yes, he’s aviary nice chap indeed!

    The elegant emu was lovingly crafted by local artist John Murray out of old VW Beetle bonnets and doors, then placed atop a stunning steel girder. This gem took up residence on the outskirts of the opal-mining village of Lightning Ridge in 2013, but he was o-Ridge-inally destined, quite appropriately, for Birdsville.

    “The tyranny of distance made it too expensive to truck him into Queensland,” Senhor Murray told a gobsmacked journalist from the Sydney Morning Herald.

    “The bloke in Birdsville wanted to call him Big Bird and put him out on the Birdsville Track in XXXX colours. I wasn’t too keen on painting my bird yellow and red, but even less enamoured about having my work used to promote beer. So the Ridge got him.”

    Oh, what flight have been!

    The best news is there could soon be more Bigs feather down the road… and I’m not talking about Murray the Cod. Walgett Council is holding a competition to encourage farmers to build their own roadside attractions, with the wing-er to receive $10,000. They might have to change the name from Lightning Ridge to Big Thing Ridge!

  • Alan Davidson’s Balls, Wyoming, NSW

    Have a bowl, have a bat. Howzat! Howzat! Add eight Bigs to your score – all balls!

    Alright, alright, settle down! You’ve had a good giggle at the name of these Bigs, now it’s time to take an in-depth look at Alan Davidson’s Balls. Oi, I said quit it!

    There are seven oversized cricket balls dotted around the picturesque Alan Davidson Oval, each emblazoned with a ‘Davo Fact’ such as how many home runs the eponymous cricket superstar hit. It’s certainly fun to wander around the grounds, occasionally spotting a big, shiny ball peeking shyly through the bushes.

    The world was exposed to Alan Davidson’s Balls in 2015, when artist Margrete Erling – who also delivered the nearby Big Poppies – threw them into the scrum. And as you can see, they look as pretty as a pitcher. At 80cm, these aren’t the largest balls I’ve encountered, but size isn’t everything. It’s all about the texture, the shape, and how much fun they are to sit on. Oh, grow up!

    They’ll bowl you over!

    There’s also a set of Big Stumps, but they pale in comparison to Westbury’s version and look like a bunch of rotting telegraph poles. Whilst I’m being a bit catty, the build quality of the Balls is atrocious and they’re falling apart. I assumed they were several decades old, and was appalled when I discovered they’re some of the youngest Bigs in Australia. Thanks, former mayor of Gosford Lawrie McKinna!

    For the tough guys, a lone Big Soccer Ball is also on display, and I made the most of it by turning up for my photo shoot in a festive sporting tunic. Look at me, all dressed up as a brawny footballer! Grrr, I’m Toni Lockett, run at me, bro! Actually, don’t run at me as I’m not one for physical activity or severe beatings.

    For those alpha males with a softer side, the Big Flower is only minutes away. You don’t have to be a pansy to visit!

    These balls really score a strike and, needless to say, I had a great time climbing all over Alan Davidson’s Balls. Ok, ok laugh it up, you big baby! Honestly, sometimes I don’t know why I bother.

  • The Big Wine Bottle, Pokolbin, NSW

    The Big Wine Bottle, Pokolbin, New South Wales

    Wine me, dine me, 21-foot-nine me! No visit to New South Wales’ Wine Country is complete without sharing a cheeky glass of red with this vine fellow, who’s been baffling drunkards since 1998.

    The Big Wine Bottle takes pride of place at the sprawling Hunter Valley Gardens, which offers an array of restaurants and gift shops against a backdrop of rolling fields. A visit is a grape opportunity to eat your body weight in cheese and have a blood alcohol level higher than your age by 11am.

    The Bottle’s bulbous bottom has space for an open fire – perfect for those chilly winter nights – with the neck forming a charming chimney. He’s located in the shade of a pleasant tree and, like the similarly-sized Big Bundy Rum Bottle, it’s no cham-pain to grab a photo, so wine not see him today?

    If you’re on a winery tour of Big Things, pop over to Rutherglen to drink in the delights of their 36-metre-tall bottle! Oh, and you’ll need a Big Corkscrew, which you can find in Berrima!

    I visited the Pokolbin Wine Bottle during a chum’s Hen’s Night, and unfortunately overindulged on Tyrrell’s Pinot noir and chocolate macarons. I ended up bursting into tears and wailing about how I’ll never find a giant roadside attraction who’ll love me for me, and a sémillon other silly things. Thankfully, when I woke up the next morning, the world looked a little more rosé.

    I told that joke to the Big Wine Bottle, but he just gave me a sauvignon blanc stare.

  • Daryl Somersby the Croc, Somersby, NSW

    Daryl Somersby the Crocodile, Somersby, New South Wales

    Never smile at Daryl the Crocodile
    No, don’t get friendly with Daryl the Crocodile
    Don’t be taken in by his games and lark
    Or the fact he lives at the Aussie Reptile Park

    Never smile at Daryl the Crocodile
    Never kiss his handsome head and stop to talk awhile
    Never listen to his hopes and dreams
    Of gobbling up six football teams

    You may very well lose your body
    Just up the road from Frilly and Ploddy
    But there’s always a special time and place
    To look at that rugged, whimsical face
    And say, “I don’t care if he eats me, we just have to kiss!”
    Daryl’s one Big that you just can’t miss!

  • The Big Gold Pick and Pan, Grenfell, NSW

    The Big Gold Pick and Pan, Grenfell, New South Wales

    You can’t pan-dle the truth! Actually, you probably can, because it’s an indisputable fact that the Big Gold Pick and Pan are ri-pick-ulously magnificent! The cheerful chums were built by another legendary pair – Peter Mason and Tony Durham – under the supervision of the Grenfell Men’s Shed, in recognition of Grenfell’s history as a gold town.

    But first, a confession. When I was told about the Big Gold Pick and Pan several years ago, I misheard and believed the attraction to be the Big Gold Peter Pan. As a boy who refuses to grow up, I understandably made it my life’s ambition to meet my hero. Imagine my surprise when I turned up in Grenfell, resplendent in my green tights and felt hat, only to be met by a set of oversized gold mining implements!

    The ten-foot tools were up against it from the outset, but I’m happy to say they briskly dug their way into my heart. Yes, it might sound like I’m pan-dering to them and pick-ing favourites, but along with the Big Axe they’re the most glorious utensils I’ve ever met. I think even the Big Gold Panner would approve!

    A Bunch of Tools

    Despite the simple nature of the subjects (don’t tell them I said that!), the Pick and Pan are easy to take a photo with and easily accessible in the middle of vibrant Grenfell. In fact, they’re the centrepiece of a community-funded campsite, so it’s possible to sleep right next to them!

    As a keen camper I was never going to miss that opportunity, and shared a cheeky glass of Pinot noir with the Bigs as a stunning sunset painted Grenfell colours I can’t even describe. I turned in early, content with my day’s adventuring, but a funny thing happened during the night. Being so close to my friends, I could feel their presence and hear them calling to me – just as Ploddy has throughout my life.

    I visited them several times beneath the light of a silvery moon, until I eventually decided that resisting their siren song was futile. The Pick and Pan wanted a sleepover, so I grabbed my handsome wearable sleeping bag and snuggled in for the night. We gossiped, we sang pop songs, we opened up with secrets we’d never told anyone else.

    I can honestly say I’ve never had a more peaceful sleep. Come the morning, as the birds sand to awaken the people of Grenfell, I enjoyed a cup of coffee with the Big Pick and Pan, said a tearful goodbye, and regretfully left town. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

  • The Big Prawn, Crangan Bay, NSW

    The Big Prawn, Crangan bay, New South Wales, Australia

    BREAKING NEWS: It’s with a heavy heart that I announce the passing of the beautiful, whimsical Big Prawn. Our fearless friend was found dismembered on the morning of August 5, 2023, his head and legs sawn off by an angle grinder and stolen. Police believe they could turn up on the black market.

    Next time you pick up a bag of frozen prawns, please, please check if there’s a metre-long metal head and some sawn-off chelas in there. With some luck, we can put the Prawn back together before he’s smuggled out of the country.

    Don’t try to slip this shrimp on the barbie, because he’s uncookable! The Big Prawn was caught in furious bushfires in 2013, which saw everything around the durable decapod – including the service station he was perched in front of – burnt to a crisp.

    He now looks a little lonely by the side of the Old Pacific Highway in Lake Macquarie, surrounded by rubble and trapped behind an old fence. But wipe away those tears, because the future is bright for our fire-fighting friend, with a bidding war raging for his ownership.

    Controversy erupted in 2020 when nearby Central Coast Council made a play to buy the prawn to welcome visitors heading south – as Ploddy does to those coming up from Sydney.

    “People often say we don’t get any attention in the north,” Councillor Jillian Hogan told a concerned reporter from the ABC. “Well, the Big Prawn is a good way of getting some attention!”

    Don’t come the raw prawn!

    However, with Central Coast Council drowning in debt, the move looks unlikely – which is music to the ears of the prawn’s creator, local legend Shane Simpson. He designed the creature in 1991 at the behest of a popular fish-and-chip shop, and based his design on a huge crustacean shipped up from Tasmania especially for the project.

    “We’d love to see it stay in Lake Macquarie, only for the fact that every time I drive past I tell the grandkids I made it,” he exclaimed. “We made it with a fire-resistant resin, and it did its job – it didn’t melt!”

    Just like his big brother in Ballina, the Crangan Bay Prawn has scurried through the fire and found peace and contentment on the other side. He was recently joined by the Big Pine Cones in nearby Caves Beach, in what is fast becoming a hotbed for Big action. Ah, sorry for the insensitive wordplay, buddy!

  • The Big Pine Cones, Caves Beach, NSW

    The Big Pine Cones, Caves Beach, New South Wales

    Pining for some Bigs with a view? Then cone on down to splendid Caves Beach, which boasts sparkling blue water, resplendent golden sand, and two of the largest pine cones you’re ever likely to see!

    Officially known as Norfolk – after the spiky spheres dropped by the many Norfolk Island pines growing in the area – these stately seed pods were created by Newcastle-based artist/beekeeper Kelly-Ann Lees in 2019. Pine and Cone, as I prefer to call them, stand 1.5 metres tall and are just the right size for cuddles!

    You might have noticed they’re rusting away, but don’t fret, because they were designed to evolve along with the coastal environment. No cones about it, they simply get more beautiful every day!

    These brown bombshells aren’t the cone-ly Bigs in Lake Macquarie, with the inimitable Big Prawn only 15 minutes away. Do your wood seed for the day and say hello to all three of these coastal cuties.

    Honestly, if I had a conifer every pine someone told me how ex-tree-mely nice these guys are, I’d be a rich Bigs Bardot!

  • The Big Murray Cod, Tocumwal, NSW

    The Big Murray Cod, Tocumwal, New South Wales

    “Oh my cod, isn’t he big!”

    Visitors to the river village of Tocumwal have been exclaiming this for almost six decades, and this water-dwelling dreamboat has lived a life most of us would be en-fish-ious of.

    This bulky baby boomer’s story starts in the swingin’ 60s, when three of the more rebellious members of the local Chamber of Commerce decided the town needed something exciting to draw in tourists. They looked northward to Ploddy the Dinosaur, who was luring streams of Big-ficianados into Gosford, and a fish of epic proportions was soon on the carps… uh, sorry, make that the cards!

    Big Thing visionaries Kathryn Moore, Alice Johnson and Lorna Nash held dozens of dances and sizzled sufficient sausages to raise the £3000 required to build the aquatic amigo. He was designed by Melbourne’s Duralite Company, and made from fiberglass with a steel skeleton. His outer details – such as his suave scrap metal fins – were lovingly added by volunteers and admirers.

    The Big Murray Cod was o-fish-ially unveiled at a gala ceremony and quickly became a symbol of Berrigan Shire’s burgeoning counter-culture movement. His arrival ushered in a summer of love, with long-haired hippies, flower children, beatniks and other assorted delinquents rolling into Tocumwal to smack him right on the lips!

    You’re carping on and on… When will this fin-ish?

    The ’70s saw bell-bottom pants and safari suits find favour. But the Big Murray Cod wasn’t a slave to fashion and, aside from a few repaints, barely changed his look. Things took a grim turn in 1982, however, when the good people of Swan Hill, Victoria, erected a Giant Murray Cod of their own.

    Bigger and fishier than the Tocumwal version, it was feared he’d hog all the glory. But the original still reels in the tourists – and there’s no de-baiting that!

    Flannelette and a sullen attitude were the fish’s forte in the ’90s, and he was ahead of the tech curve by opening his own MySpace page in the 2000s. His family has since expanded to include Murray cods in St George and Tintaldra. The younger fish have grown up to be respected members of their communities, so obviously weren’t cod-dled as larvae.

    This Big has settled down in recent years and is content, like most his age, to spend his days reading Aldi catalogues and preventing younger Bigs – such as the nearby Big Strawberry – from owning real estate. After so many years and such wild adventures, there are still a gill-ion reason to visit him, and it feels like Woodstock whenever one spends time with this fish.

    It’s safe to say things are going swimmingly for the Big Murray Cod!

    Please note: the plaque beneath this fish erroneously identifies him as the second oldest of the Bigs, but this honour actually belongs to the Big Banana, with Ploddy being the OG Big. Upon discovering this sickening glitch, I raced straight to the mayor’s office and was assured that the plaque would be corrected as a matter of urgency. I’m sorry, but there are some fins that I just can’t let go!

  • Digby the Dinosaur, Albury, NSW

    Digby the Dinosaur, Albury, New South Wales

    Open the door, get on the floor
    Everybody walk with Digby the Dinosaur!

    She might be 65 million years old, but this delightful dino is still a big kid at heart. Digby lives in Albury Botanic Gardens’ wonderfully-presented Children’s Garden and is more than happy to be kissed, cuddled and climbed upon. It’s safe to say she’s dinos-awfully popular!

    Digby’s not as famous as her aunty Ploddy or as grand as her uncle Big Kev, but is every bit as remarkable. She’s immense yet adorable, vivacious yet shy, and incredibly unique. Oh, and those eyes are to die-nosaur for! You can find her hiding away in the trees, head to the ground to say hello to her friends.

    For those who are overwhelmed by Bigs on this scale, Digby’s baby son Diego is playing blissfully nearby – and he’ll fill you with joy. There are also cubby houses, a fairy temple, and a terrifying troll cave that I was too much of a sissy to enter!

    After a big morning of playing with Digby and Diego, why not head to the nearby World’s Biggest Rolling Pin for a sandwich at their dino… uh, I mean diner!

  • The Big Apple, Tallong, NSW

    The Big Apple, Tallong, New South Wales

    The Southern Highlands of New South Wales has Big Things apple-nty, but none are as scrumptious as this crimson cutie! The Big Apple is of epic proportions, astonishingly detailed – just look at his hyper-realistic leaf – and always in season!

    Tallong legend Jim ‘The Apple Man’ Watling set the peels in motion in 1988. He commissioned a chap named Carl Zeschke to build a fitting tribute to the area’s vivacious agricultural industry. The Apple sat contentedly atop Jim’s shed for three decades, luring in customers to buy fresh fruit.

    Not surprisingly, he became the apple of Jim’s eye!

    It’s Tallong way to the top if you wanna Big Apple!

    The healthy heartthrob was removed in 2017, presumably because it was impossible to get any work done with him around. Fortunately, he was soon popped on a pedestal in the sprawling Tallong Memorial Park. He was even provided with a canopy to keep him nice and dry. The grand unveiling was a Royal Gala event, with throngs of locals and several Pink Ladies in attendance.

    He now takes pride of place plum in the middle of the rustic village, inspiring a new generation of Big Thing fanatics. There’s even a delightful playground for the kiddies to explore as Mum and Dad gaze in open-mouthed wonder at the Apple. What a perfect way to apple fritter away a an afternoon!

    Things are not as peachy as they seem, however. The good people of Tallong are in a brutal dis-fruit with the residents of Yerrinbool, home to a rival Big Apple. Reminiscent of similar unrest between fans of the pear of Big Pineapples, the feud stems from the fact each community believes their Big is the one true Big Apple, and neither looks like they’ll crumble. Honestly, guys, make juice, not war! Hopefully continuing discussions between village elders will prove fruitful.

    And please, nobody tell them about Batlow’s bevy of Big Apples!

    If it’s been too long since you’ve been to Tallong, the time’s ripe to visit the Big Apple!

  • Ossie the Mossie, Hexham, NSW

    Put the Mortein away, he’s friendly! Ossie the Mossie watches vigilantly over the much-loved Hexham Bowling Club, and after giving him a good insect-ion I’m pleased to report that he certainly doesn’t suck!

    Hexham Grey mosquitos have long been the bowlo’s symbol, so in 1994 members cobbled together $17,200 to build a personable pest of epic proportions. Basing his design on an oversized chicken displayed at a nearby car dealership, he was introduced by Lord Mayor John McNaughton to unprecedented scenes of jubilation. Of course some of the local bar-flys found Ossie to be quite buzz-arre, but ultimately warmed to him.

    Like me, this super-detailed Big Thing is a real social butterfly! His legion of admirers certainly enjoyed honking their horns as they drove past during our photo shoot. We were like two peas in a pod but, whilst I’m a natural beauty, Ossie has had some work done to retain his youthful complexion.

    Handsome from his head to his mosqui-toes

    “Ossie had some plastic surgery in 2004 and 2008 because of damage from the elements and other insects,” former Secretary Manager Jon Chin told an enraptured reporter from The Hunter Headline.

    “He had another ‘nip and tuck’ in 2010 when the Roads and Maritime Service ordered Ossie be moved back four metres to assist with the widening of the Pacific Highway. That time he received some animation including glowing green eyes, a new red belly, and a neon nose.”

    After gawping in open-jawed wonder at Ossie and taking a few (hundred!) photos with him, make sure you pop into the club. Not only are the staff delightful, but the Riverside Bistro offers a banquet menu that’s to die for. Don’t pass away, however, because the Big Kookaburra and the Big Ugg Boots are tantalisingly close and well worth visiting. Or perhaps you feel drawn towards the Big Pencil?

    Alright, alright, I’ll stop bugging you now – bye!

    A quick note: Unfortunately this post has received a number of disturbing comments referencing (forgive my language here) Ossie’s ‘big prick’, or variations thereof. Seriously guys, act your age and not your shoe size. Such ‘humour’ will not be glamorised on this website.

  • Itsy Bitsy the Big Spider, Urana, NSW

    Itsy Bitsy the Big Spider
    Climbed up the water tower
    Down came the rain
    And made the spider cower
    Out came the sun
    And dried up all the rain
    And Itsy Bitsy the Big Spider
    Climbed up the tower again!

    You’d hate to be a fly in the cosy village of Urana, because it’s home to a spider the size of a small car! But don’t be scared, because this aspiring web designer is a charming chap who you absolutely arach-need to meet. In fact, he’s so popular they might have to rename the town Tarant-Urana!

    Despite being a fair way up the tower, Itsy Bitsy is a lot of fun to take photos with and easy to find, living at the end of the main street, next to a small lake with community BBQs. He certainly didn’t mind putting on a tough guy act as I shrieked in terror!

    Itsy Bitsy was created by local artist Andrew Whitehead and revealed in May 2009, taking up residence on the town’s imposing water tower. Made from scrap metal and piping – similar to Murray the Cod – he has eight lovely eyes (doesn’t that make him a spiiiiiiiider?) and loves spinning a yarn. Fittingly, he’s around eight feet tall.

    Brave Andy installed this Big Thing all by himself, which certainly impressed a flabbergasted reporter from the Border Mail. “Mr Whitehead, who is afraid of heights, installed the artwork himself, climbing a 16m ladder then walking around the 30cm rim of the tower carrying an 8kg bracket and 8m of cable,” the breathless report read.

    “Once the bracket and cable were in place a cherry picker raised the spider into position and it was secured with the three cables.”

    Easy Spider

    Thankfully, Andy didn’t build a Daddy Long Legs because Urana’s overrun by bugs; he was in-spidered by the town’s legendary former Aussie Rules team, who were known as the Spiders and surely must’ve played at Webley Stadium.

    Itsy lives reasonably close to his good mates the Big Murray Cod at Tocumwal and the Big Guitar at Narrandera, but thankfully nowhere near Ossie the Mossie, who he’d probably try to eat!

    Today this not-so-creepy crawly is the coolest dude in town and it’s customary for him to appear in wedding photos – newlywebs think he’s the greatest. I’d love to hear more from Itsy Bitsy, so hopefully he’ll launch an arthro-podcast soon!

  • The Big Cherries, Young, NSW

    The Big Cherries, Young, New South Wales

    Young is a prosperous inland city with a rich agricultural history, and having their very own Big is the cherry on top! This trio of tasty treats were unveiled in 1983 to rapturous applause, cementing Young’s reputation as the cherry capital of the world. If you’re cherry-picking your favourite Bigs, take a fruitful journey out to see them!

    The red rascals hang daintily next to Young’s historic train station, which offers a small range of tea towels, postcards and magnets with the Cherries on them. Step off the platform and, before your cherry eyes, there they are – three wonderful, glorious cherries peering whimsically over the main street.

    Whilst the monument gives our Bigs the reverence they deserve, I must be ‘that guy’ and take umbrage with the height of it. The Cherries are simply too elevated for a great happy snap, and it’s difficult to attain a true appreciation of their size. However, I’m willing to cherry the hatchet if the local council are willing to make them slightly easier to pick (and pan)!

    Best visited during the National Cherry Festival in December each year, Young is something of a sister city to Chinchilla, who has its own Big Melon and the zany MelonFest. That’s what I like to see – communities as obsessed with their Bigs as I am!

    If you want a wilder, more elusive cherry – and one who wears sunglasses almost as cool as mine! – why not join my quest to meet Victoria’s supercooool Big Cherry? He’s gone into hiding, as any great rockstar has, but with a little encouragement we can bring him back into the public eye.

    In any case, don’t cherry your head in the sand, roll out to Young to eat, drink and be cherry. Thank you cherry much!

  • The Big Chook, Mount Vernon, NSW

    The Big Chook, Mount Vernon, New South Wales

    What’s chookin’, good lookin’? This king-sized cockerel really is something to crow about, and you’ll have egg on your face if you don’t chick him out!

    A Western Sydney icon for decades, the Chook is an extremely charismatic old-school Big. He looks a bit homemade, like the Big Golden Dog and fellow feather-head the Big Parrot, but that just makes him more relatable.

    He stands proudly outside a wildly popular egg farm named after him, and locals find it almost impossible to drive past without popping in. It’s not just for a photo op with the Chook, because along with an enviable selection of chutneys and jams, the on-site store sells two-and-a half doz-hen eggs for just $4 – and you don’t need a coop-on for that!

    Whilst it’s not possible to cuddle the ravishing rooster because he’s behind a chicken-wire fence, he’s in a great position for a happy snap. Just look at the two of us strutting around together, we really are poultry in motion!

    He’s really plucking big!

    Local legend Chris Sammut spent two glorious weeks building this peck-tacular specimen, at a cost of $1500. He based the Chook on a styrofoam model of a rooster, then moulded him out of chicken wire and duck tape. He then sprayed the whole thing with fibreglass and added the details with all-feather paint.

    The Big Chook was completed in 1986 or 1987, apparently without council approval. Chris kept him as a temporary attraction for a few weeks in case a busybody turned up to complain, before concreting him to the ground. I guess that cemented the Big Chook’s place in the community!

    There are rumours of other oversized chickens prowling the fields and farms of Australia – and plenty of other birds, such as the Big Pelican, the Big Owl and the Big Penguin, but this handsome chap is near the top of the pecking order.

    There’s also a rather large strawberry nearby, but unfortunately it’s nothing to crow about.

    Don’t chicken out, take a beak at the Big Chook today – and hurry up because the cluck is ticking!

    Please note, I understand that there are some obvious and tired jokes that can be made comparing this delightfully large chicken to a part of the male anatomy. You probably think you’re being both original and hilarious. Trust me, you couldn’t be further from the truth. The Big Chook is a gentle, kind being who should be admired and revered, not become the butt of crass jokes. Neither he nor I appreciate the fowl language!

  • The Big Apple, Yerrinbool, NSW

    The Big Apple, Yerrinbool, New South Wales

    If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, the good people of the Southern Highlands mustn’t have seen a quack in years! The un-Bool-ievable snack is conveniently located just off the Hume Highway and is as fresh as the day it fell off the tree.

    Despite being de-cider-edly larger than anything you’ll find at a green grocer, you’ll be disappointed if expecting something on the scale of the Big Melon, Big Banana or Big Pineapple. It’s still very apple-ing, though!

    The beachball-sized Red Delicious poses pompously atop a quaint sign for the historic Tennessee Orchard, which until recently offered a mouthwatering array of fruit, veggies, marmalades, jams, chutneys and eggs. Tragically the farm is currently closed, after being core-t in a freak hail storm a few years ago.

    This Big Apple is just one of nearly a dozen variations spread around Australia – in fact, there’s another less than an hour down the road at Tallong, and the two fanbases have developed a heated rivalry. You’ll have to visit them all to see which one’s the pick of the bunch!

  • The Big, Beautiful Axe, Kew, NSW

    The Big Axe, Kew, New South Wales

    I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK
    I sleep all night and visit Bigs all day!

    Axe yourself this – how much excitement can you handle? If the answer is ‘plenty’, then swing by this towering tool and get ready to chop till you drop!

    A fixture of the exquisite Camden Haven district since 1979, the wonderful whacker celebrates the local timber industry and rests happily beside the iKew Visitor Information Centre. He was replaced in 2002 after famished termites did a real hatchet job on him, but when I stopped by in 2015 he was in a poor state once again. Trust me, I had an axe to grind with those responsible!

    Sadly, the centre also suffered from a severe lack of Big Axe memorabilia. I carefully explained to the kind woman behind the counter that it was a missed opportunity, and that I would return in several years to reassess the situation.

    I’m thrilled to say the Axe’s splinter of discontent is over! The Big Axe was completely rebuilt by cleaver members of the Kendall Men’s Shed, and the natives were Kew-ing up when it was unveiled in 2017. The 800kg tomahawk now rests on supports that are two metres shorter than the old ones, making happy snaps a little easier.

    A magnetic attraction

    Best of all, Brazilian Big Thing guru Bebezinga Grande and I were elated to discover the Visitor Centre now offers not one but two Big Axe magnets. The gentlemen in attendance thanked me for my dedication to the cause, and those magnets have now become a sought-after home decorating accessory in South America.

    The chop-ularity of the Big Axe has even led to a replica in Western Sydney. Alright, they’re not axe-actly the same, but they’re close enough.

    Whilst the Pacific Highway bypassed Kew years ago, this Big can be reached with a short detour on your way north towards the Big Golden Dog or south to the Big Oyster. The volunteers at the Visitor Centre are always up for a chat, so make sure you don’t axe-dentally pass it by!

  • The Big Banana, Coffs Harbour, NSW

    Football, meat pies, kangaroos and the Big Banana. This prodigious plantain has grown to become a huge part of Australia’s national identity. He represents this great country’s culture and history, hopes and dreams. Every child holds fond memories of popping into the Banana on a road trip up north, having their photo snapped in front of the Coffs Harbour icon, and then smashing into a delicious chocolate-covered frozen banana at the adjoining cafe.

    This is Australia, distilled to her essence and molded into one 13-metre-long potassium-powered Big Thing.

    The Big Banana sits proudly above the Pacific Highway and is unmissable as you drive past. He’s massive, bright, and exquisitely crafted. The friendly fruit is also perfectly positioned for a photo (as the long lines prove!) and is large enough to walk through. The small yet absolutely fascinating agricultural exhibit inside is unmissable.

    If you feel like monkeying around, the Banana-themed fun park really Caven-dishes up the thrills! Peel off your clothes at the water park, spend an elongated afternoon at the putt-putt golf, or take on the terrifying toboggan ride, which is suitable for both men and lady-fingers.

    For those who flat out refuse to eat anything that’s not yellow, there’s a mouthwatering cheesemaking workshop. If you’ve got a sweet tooth, head to the cafe for a banana split (fortunately they’re available seven days a week, not just on sundaes). Unfortunately I’m no longer able to enjoy this delicious treat due to an unfortunate incident during my childhood – but don’t let that stop you from tucking in!

    Australia goes bananas!

    Banana salesman John Landi dreamed up the yellow fellow in 1964, to get tourists to stop by his fruit stand. After hiring – and subsequently firing – a local youth to dress as a gorilla and dance for traffic, he heard word of a pineapple of epic proportions that was doing a roaring trade in Hawaii. The time was ripe to jump on the Big Thing bandwagon, so he tapped engineer Alan Chapman and builder Alan Harvey to make it happen. It had to B1 of the best decisions ever!

    Construction ran smoothly and the Big Banana opened a year after Australia’s first giant roadside attraction, North Gosford’s Ploddy the Dinosaur, snarled his way into our hearts in 1963. That hasn’t prevented the Banana’s owners from falsely promoting him as the original Big Thing – but that’s a bunch of lies!

    Success was immediate, with Bananarama taking over Australia, and the plantation was greatly expanded to cover most of the surrounding hillside area. Giant produce, such as the original Big Pineapple and the Bilpin Fruit Bowl, popped up around the country in tribute. The profile of the ‘King of the Bigs’ exploded, culminating in a massive period of growth in the late-80s, when a whole bunch of exciting attractions were brought in from the recent Expo ’88 in Brisbane. There was even a train ride with a terrifying bunyip, which I particularly enjoyed as a young chap!

    The Banana goes rotten!

    The Big Banana was hailed as Australia’s Big Yellow Smile and became more famous than the Great Barrier Reef and the Sydney Opera House combined. But things were about to get rotten for vitamin-fuelled lothario. A few bad business decisions and a general perception that Big Things weren’t cool anymore (they always were and always will be, of course) led to the massive decline of the park.

    A number of the attractions were sold off – including the poor bunyip – and the Banana was left to wilt in the hot North Coast sun. Like the Big Pineapple and the Big Prawn, it seemed like this decaying delicacy had passed its best-before date.

    Proving miracles do happen, some more investment came in, the park was expanded again, and the Big Banana was given a new lease on life. The Banana has returned to its rightful place as one of the world’s greatest tourist attractions, on par with Disneyland and Machu Picchu, and no Australian child shall ever go without a visit to this humongous health food. Raise your chocolate-coated frozen bananas high in the air, as we toast the beating heart of Australian society.

  • Ploddy the Big Dinosaur, Somersby, NSW

    Ploddy the Dinosaur, Somersby, New South Wales

    Long before the age of Bananas, Penguins, Pineapples and Prawns, an enormous concrete dinosaur watched over Australia’s highways. Ploddy, the oldest of her kind and the grandmother of the Bigs, was unlike anything anyone had ever seen before.

    With her timeless beauty and vivacious personality she ushered in the era of massive roadside attractions, becoming a national celebrity in the process. However, like the ancient thunder lizards she was modelled after, extinction is on the horizon for this gentle giant.

    Despite her proud history, this folk hero has been abandoned in the bush, locked away behind a gnarled barbed-wire fence and left to rot. It’s a tragic and shameful situation for the mellow yellow lady, who’s terribly lonely out there in the wilderness.

    This, dear readers, is the tragic tale of Ploddy the Dinosaur.

    Do-you-think-she-saurus?

    Ploddy’s epic story begins in the halcyon days of 1963, when hair was long and short-shorts were super short. Eric Worrell, owner of the popular Australian Reptile Park in Wyoming, New South Wales, was looking for a way to draw in more visitors from the Pacific Highway – and the common worm-skinks just weren’t doing the job. That’s when he had a BIG IDEA.

    What if he built a life-size dinosaur and plonked it out by the main road? The plan was as preposterous as it was brilliant. Although Grrrreta the Grrrreat Big Dinosaur was wowing the crowds over in America, nothing of the sort had ever been attempted in this country. Undeterred, Eric and his chums got to work, largely making it up as they went.

    The project took just two months for Eric’s talented team, including designer Ken Mayfield and construction engineer Jim Sullivan, to complete. Not bad for a diplodo-custom made dinosaur!

    At 26-metres-long and weighing 100 tonnes, Ploddy was unlike anything the good people of the Central Coast seen before. She ushered in a new era of prosperity to the park, drawing in tens of thousands of curious onlookers who just wanted to say ‘allo-saurus to the Central Coast’s largest resident.

    Ploddy was the first Big Thing Aussie’s ever dino-saw. So why is she so close to being wiped off the face of the planet?

    Plodding into our hearts

    The inimitable Bigs Bardot moved into the adjacent caravan park with his family in the mid-80s, and it was love at first sight – even though I was a little intimidated by Ploddy at first. Whenever things became too brutal in the trailer, I’d sneak over to see my massive mate. As I nestled into her serpentine neck, everything seemed right in the world.

    In those days she was easily accessible and it was even possible to climb on top of or inside her, and she was always willing to listen to my problems. Ploddy told me there was a vast world out there, full of giant icons just like her. I promised her that I would visit every single one of her friends, and I take that vow seriously.

    Ploddy was something of a chameleon, changing colours often, and as a rebellious youth I would dye my hair to match. We were inseparable, so I was understandably heartbroken when she took me aside one windswept day in 1994 to let me know she was moving away forever.

    After 33 years in Wyoming, the Reptile Park’s new owners, John and Robyn Weigel, were taking the cold-blooded cutie and the rest of the reptiles to a new location at Somersby. It took two years to fossil-itate, and I spent as much time with Ploddy as I could, but things weren’t the same. A sadness hung over our rendezvous, and I even flirted with other Bigs such as the Merino, Oyster, and the man who would go on to become the other great love of my life, The Big Avocado.

    What can I say? I was just love Jura-sick!

    Movin’ on up

    When Ploddy finally made her move on a stormy day in 1996, thousands of people lined the streets of Gosford to bid her farewell. I was in tears, not only to lose my best chum, but because they cut Ploddy’s poor feet and tail off to remove her from the concrete platform she guarded for so many years. It took Gosford’s largest crane to place her onto Gosford’s largest truck, and I marched proudly, but with a heavy heart, alongside her through the adoring crowds.

    It was the greatest party Gosford had ever seen but, once the celebrations faded away, the tragedy of Ploddy’s situation became apparent. She wasn’t planted at the entrance of the new Reptile Park; that honour was bestowed upon Frilly the Lizard, with Ploddy tossed into a dusty clearing several hundred metres away.

    She could watch the cars zip by on the new Pacific Highway, of course, but her friends had no real way of getting up close and personal with her. Ploddy was no longer able to serve her purpose as a Big Thing – she was a glorified billboard, locked away behind a fence and at the mercy of the elements. When the wind blew just right on a clear night, I could hear her weeping all the way from Wyoming.

    Perhaps, I thought, she could also hear my cries.

    The Lizard of Oz

    Ploddy’s the oldest of the Big Things, an important part of Australia’s history and culture, and for her to be treated like this is nothing short of disgraceful. Whilst the Big Banana, Big Boxing Crocodile and even Ploddy’s little brother Big Kev and niece Digby have people lined up to take photos with them, pouring millions of dollars into their local communities, this grand old dame of roadside attractions has been cast aside, with only a few hardy souls visiting her. It’s outrageous and the good folks at the Australian Reptile Park need to do something about it.

    Mercifully it’s still possible to see Ploddy, if you’re up for an adventure. The best way is to park by the side of the Old Pacific Highway at Somersby and locate the steep, overgrown path heading north towards the sizeable sauropod.

    It’s not for the faint of heart, small children or the elderly, but those who brave the 100-metre climb will be rewarded by a meeting with the graceful Queen of the Bigs. It’s a bit like visiting my stepdad Craig in jail, though, due to the chainlink fence and the sour stench of desperation.

    Until then, Ploddy’s true friends will visit her, chat to her, reassure her that everything will be OK. We’ll hold back the tears and pretend to believe our words, then fall apart as we walk away. This site, my life, and the passion that beats through the heart of every Big-thusiast, exist because of the incomparable Ploddy the Big Dinosaur. My first love, my purest love.

  • The Big Golden Dog, Glenreagh, NSW

    The Big Golden Dog, Glenreagh, New South Wales

    You’d have to be barking mad to miss out on The Big Golden Dog, which is conveniently located just 30 just minutes west of Coffs Harbour’s Big Banana! This four-metre tall, six-metre-long dreamboat scampered into Glenreagh in 2011 and has proven to be a howling success, with visitors often paws-ing for a photo with the handsome fellow.

    The massive mutt stands guard outside the prosperous Golden Dog Hotel, which offers a wonderful selection of beers and traditional Aussie tucker. And no, despite the name, they don’t just serve Chum and kibble! There’s also a handful of Golden Dog souvenirs available – stubby coolers, bottle openers and such – but I hounded them about getting more stuff in.

    Legend has it that, back in the day, a local hunk found a massive gold nugget nearby and raced into the pub to show it off. His chums, after presumably indulging in several celebratory lemon spritzers, decided the nugget bore a slight resemblance to a dog, and the pub was promptly renamed. Or at least that’s what the current owners, the ever-congenial Steph and Brendon, reckon.

    The monstrous mongrel has a tough-guy snarl and a bit of a wild streak – but don’t worry, he’s generally well behaved and certainly man’s best friend. He’s also a bit of a cutie. Don’t believe me? Well, the woof’s in the puddingo!

    Q: What does the Big Golden Dog eat at the movies?
    A: Pup-corn!

    The prodigious pooch was crafted by local builder Gary Smith and his mastiff proportions are truly impressive, with more of a yellow collar than the expected sparkly gold. Obviously constructed with love, care and true skill, this beautiful bowwow also has a charming homemade quality, which is part of the appeal of all the best Bigs.

    The original design was a little ruff, looking more like a mogwai than anything, so The Golden Dog was givena facelift in 2020. After the work he was every bit as cheek-pinchingly adorable as Pat the Dog, and just as strappingly handsome as Dunkeld’s Big Dog. Don’t worry, Goldie, even the most dapper gents have dabbled with cosmetic surgery – but I’m not sure we saw the same surgeon!

    It’s not uncommon to see gangs of bearded motorcycle riders, mouth agape, staring in wonder at this giant dog during their weekend rides. Families gather to worship him. The beer garden is particularly pup-ular with patrons, and is the perfect place to enjoy a beer or ca-nine. In fact, it’s so nice you might want to stay fur-ever!

    Yes, the behemoth barker is certainly labr-adorable, but I feel sorry for whoever has to clean up his big golden poo!

  • The Big Fruit Bowl, Bilpin, NSW

    The Bilpin Fruit Bowl, Bilpin. New South Wales

    Aussies are berry much in love with giant fruits, with the Big Banana, Big Melon, Big Pineapple and Big Mango currant-ly amongst the country’s most popular roadside attractions.

    Consider Bilpin’s Big Fruit Bowl to be a sort of grape-est hits collection. There’s a wide variety of fresh produce all in one place, and some sub-lime sculpting skills on display.

    Despite looking a little tired and in need of a lick of paint, the Bilpin Fruit Bowl is exquisitely designed, detailed, and easy to take a photo with. At two metres tall it’s big enough to take one’s breath away, without being too large to appreciate the finer features.

    Whilst I visited with my platonic friend Gordon, I can imagine it would be a wonderful place to take a date.

    The Big Fruit Bowl is plum by the side of the main road as you cross the Blue-berry Mountains. The adjacent fruit shop and the sprawling peach, apple and nectarine fields behind it have been owned and operated by the Tadrosse family since 1985, and this Big Thing sprouted around that time.

    It’s possible to pick your own fruit on a weekend – the perfect souvenir of a delicious day out. Needless to say, a trip to Bilpin will be a fruitful endeavour!

    And then one grapeful day…

    Tragedy struck in 2019, when ferocious bushfires roared through the region and destroyed a large portion of the Fruit Bowl’s farmland. More than 6000 fruit trees were razed, causing $3 million damage.

    The Bilpin Fruit Bowl, thankfully, was saved from a flaming fate. Small mercies for some big fruit!

    Bilpin is a beautiful village surrounded by natural wonders. It’s possible to go hiking, camping and traipsing through award-winning gardens in a single afternoon. Or trot up to The Bilpin Apple Pie for a slice afternoon!

    The local cider is apple-solutely scrumptious! The pink blush variety will (fruit) bowl you over, and there are non-alcoholic options for the kiddies… or a tiny alien companion!

    Pull up a chair, citrus in the shade, and admire Bilpin’s Big Fruit Bowl!

  • The Big Fish, Manilla, NSW

    The Big Fish, Manilla, New South Wales

    After herring rumours of a big fish in Manilla – the lovely country town half-an-hour from Tamworth’s Big Golden Guitar, not the capital of The Philippines – I was hooked on the idea of tracking it down. After taking some time to mullet over, I headed out there, and am happy to say that it reely was worth it. In fact, standing next to this fishface, with his delightful top hat and cane, we both felt a little underdressed!

    Details of when the Big Fish was constructed are a bit fin on the ground. Locals de-bait when he first swam into Manilla. All I know is that he’s an impressive seven metres tall, and goofy-looking enough to splash his way into anyone’s heart. Despite being the same species, he’s about as different from St George’s modern and artistic Murray the Cod, Tocumwal’s historic Cod, or Darwin’s whimsical Big Barramundi, as you can imagine.

    The giant groper stands proudly outside the Big Fish Roadhouse in the middle of town, which is sadly closed these days. We didn’t go hungry, though, because Manilla boasts a generous selection of restaurants, pubs and clubs, and we were feeling a little green around the gills after stuffing ourselves with delicious food at the Royal Hotel!

    Manilla’s also home to an historic Chinese cemetery, a delightful campground by the Namoi River, and one of the world’s most famous paragliding launches. All in all, it was a good excuse to get trout and about, and the day went swimmingly. I fish I had more time to spend with my new mate, but was very pleased with the happy snapper I took!

  • The Big Pineapple, Ballina, NSW

    The Big Pineapple, Ballina, New South Wales

    If imitation is indeed the sincerest form of flattery, the original Big Pineapple must have an ego even bigger than he is! This North Coast icon has spawned spiky spin-offs around the world, from Woombye and Gympie in Queensland to Bathurst in South Africa, but to many he’s still the most scrumptious tropical treat.

    At a modest four metres from supple bottom to prickly top, the Ballina Pineapple is outsized by his imitators. He’s a quirky throwback to a gentler time – like Gumlu’s Big Watermelon, which is dwarfed by Chinchilla’s Big Melon. He’s certainly not lonely, with his disciples often stopping by for a photo. His best mate, the Big Prawn, also lives right down the road. Maybe they should change the name of the town to Ba-large-na!

    Little is known about the age of the Pineapple, or who built him. Most locals believe he’s been sitting outside the BP service station since the beginning of time. It would be easy to fritter away an afternoon speculating on when he was built. Ultimately, however, it would ultimately be a fruit-ile endeavour. I definitely don’t remember a time when my spherical chum wasn’t a focal point of any trip up north!

    There’s just enough space to squeeze inside the juicy giant. It’s even possible to pop your cheery little face out the window for a memorable photo. Just look how happy my Brazilian companion Bebezinha Grande was to meet him! Abaca-she had the time of her life!

    All in all, the Big Pineapple makes for a pine day out!

  • The Big Merino, Goulburn, NSW

    The Big Merino, Goulburn, New South Wales

    Have you herd about the world’s largest farm animal? Don’t be sheepish, visit the ewe-mungous Big Merino today! At 15.2m high, 18m long and weighing more than 100 tonnes, you’ll be amazed by the shear size of this gentle giant, who features p-ruminant-ly on the Goulburn landscape.

    The Big Merino is the brainchild of Big Thing luminaries Louis and Attila Mokany, who were also behind Taree’s outrageous Oyster and Ballina’s prodigious Prawn. Designed by Gary Dutallis and built by Glenn Senner, the project took around six months to com-bleat.

    The woolly wonder came ram-paging into town in 1985, with hundreds of thousands of tourists c-lamb-ering to see him. Along with a gift shop and a museum dedicated to the region’s wool industry tucked away inside his belly, our mammoth mate’s eyes provided a wonderful view out over Goulburn’s verdant fields.

    I still remember the first time I met this friendly farm animal – it was love at first sight because I’d never seen a roadside attraction on such a scale, or with so many incredible details. He looks like he’s about to wander off into the wilderness at any moment!

    Q: Where does the Big Merino get his wool cut?
    A: At the baa-baa!

    His legion of fanciers came to know him as Rambo but don’t worry. Unlike his action film namesake, he has a calm disposition and is highly unlikely to attack you with a machine gun.

    When Goulburn was bypassed by the Hume Highway in 1992, many of Rambo’s admirers feared for his future. However, we needn’t have worried. In 2007 he was plonked on the back of a truck and moved 800m up the road to his current home near the southern exit ramp.

    I was lucky enough to witness the move, along with thousands of others, and to this day it remains one of the most inspiring feats of human achievement. I was so inspired, in fact, that I trotted straight over to Karoonda, South Australia to see their take on The Big Ram.

    Today, Rambo is more striking than ever. Cosmetic work was carried out after his migration to complete his legs and add some other minor details, and his eyes now peer out over a nearby Bunnings Warehouse. I guess he has something in common with his brothers the Prawn and Big Kev in that regard! The sprawling gift shop in his tum-tum has plenty of Big Merino souvenirs at great prices, so they won’t try to fleece you!

    Q: What do you get if you mix the Big Merino with Matilda the Kangaroo?
    A: A woolly jumper!

    Baaaaaaa-t wait, there’s more! It seems that a small number of scoundrels purporting to be friends of the Bigs have taken to molesting Rambo’s rude parts, which are displayed prominently at the rear of the beast. Many, tragically, delight in taking photos of this act of treason. Whilst I’m sure they believe this to be funny or clever, it is neither.

    In fact, it’s a gross exploitation of our friend’s privacy. He has feelings, too, so please leave his Big Balls alone. Admire them, sure, but leave his balls alone. If you dare send me a photograph of this manner, you’ll end up on Rambo’s Hall of Shame. You’ve been warned. You might think you can get away with it, but you can’t pull the wool over my eyes!

  • The Big Kookaburra, Kurri Kurri, NSW

    The Big Kookaburra, Kurri Kurri, New South Wales, Australia

    You need to ‘Kurri’ along and see this winged wonder, and that’s no laughing matter!

    The king-sized kingfisher landed in 2009, stands a regal 4.5-metres tall, and was built to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the nearby Hydro Aluminium smelter. As you can see from the photos, he’s absolutely beautiful, and local artist Chris Fussel obviously put a lot of love and care into his work.

    Honestly, the craftsmanship is awesome, and the Big Burra should be considered a genuine work of art. I’ve seen some gorgeous roadside attractions, and none surpass this winged wonder. His claws are made out of old horseshoes and his feathers have been individually forged, so he’s a step up from most of his fellow Bigs.

    It’s a shame he’s stranded in the underwhelming Col Brown park, because he deserves better than to peer out on some pawn shops and the local Centrelink. In saying that, you could do worse than enjoying the warm feather by sharing your sandwich with the big boy on a pleasant afternoon. They also sell Big Kookaburra magnets across the road at the tourist information centre, which is a plus!

    The Big Kookaburra is nice and close to The Big Ugg Boots and Ossie the Mossie, making for a great day out hunting Big Things. You can enjoy this fascinating fowl and then hop along to the nest ginormous stupendous statue. Or you could include this beaked beauty in a tour of all the amazing avians this country has to offer, such as Pete the Pelican, the Big Parrot, Chinute Chinute and ‘Stunning’ Stanley the Emu. You’d be cuckoo not to!

    He’s flappin’ magnificent and available seven days a beak, so chick him out! But beware, your time with him will fly by!

  • The Big Prawn, Ballina, NSW

    I sure felt like a shrimp compared to this supersized sea creature! The princely prawn is one of the most famous and celebrated roadside attractions on the planet, and for good reason – he’s massive, looks fantastic, and has an unbelievable tale… or is that tail?

    Actually, it’s both! When the Prawn first swam ashore back in 1989, he looked like a Big Fish had been nibbling on him, because his bottom bits were missing.

    Financed by the legendary duo of Attila and Louis Mokany (the Big Thing gurus behind Goulburn’s Merino and Taree’s Oyster) and designed by South Australian sculptor James Martin, his top half rested on top of a service station. He was on a scale nobody antici-bait-ed, but as a child I was always a bit sad because he appeared unfinished.

    Curiously, Martin wasn’t originally supposed to design the Prawn, with that honour bestowed upon Tony Colangelo, the legendary designer of the Big Oyster.

    However when that project faced a series of delays, the Mokanys grabbed someone from the local art school. It’s an incredible series of events, because the Prawn turned out to be intricately detailed and possibly the most impressive Big of them all.

    Q: What happened when this Big Thing went to the Olympics?
    A: He won a prawns medal!

    At 27 metres tall and weighing 40 tonnes, the krill-iant construction was designed to be 30,000 times the size of a normal shrimp. He was a hit with holidaymakers, who lined up to explore his splendid insides, which held a museum dedicated to Ballina’s seafood industry, and allowed his friends to peer out his perspex eyeballs. The good times looked like they’d last forever but, tragically, disaster was on the horizon.

    The Prawn’s service station was shuttered in 2010, leaving him trapped and alone, with his fans no longer to explore his sprawling innards. His paint faded badly and he started to rot away, leading some closed-minded people to call him an eyesore. It was a bad time for giant shrimp, with the other Big Prawn falling into disrepair at the same time.

    As I drove by one afternoon during those bleak days, I was moved to tears when I discovered that a disgusting invertebrate had spraypainted a part of the male anatomy on the poor Prawn’s head.

    I was absolutely appalled when I saw it, because I’d rather die than allow a Big Thing to experience a single moment of sadness.

    Q: Where’s the best place to buy second-hand Big Thing souvenirs?
    A: A prawn shop!

    For years it appeared this Big Thing would be prawn but not forgotten. Ballina Council voted to tear him down, and his legion of supporters held vigils as they counted down the days till his demise. And then, during the Prawn’s darkest hour, a miracle happened.

    Hardware company Bunnings bought him with the intention of moving him to their new warehouse near the original Big Pineapple, at a cost of $400,000. They planned to repaint him and – most remarkable of all – finally give him a tail. You’ve never crusta-seen a celebration like the one in Ballina when it was announced.

    The new design is simply magnificent, and I very much prefer it to his original look. It’s sad, of course, that visitors can no longer walk inside him, but it’s a small price to pay to have this mega mollusc back and better than ever. I just hope nobody tries to pop him on the Bunnings barbie!

    And that, ladies and jellyfish, is the story of the king-sized crustacean who lost his way but found his tail, his home, and his smile.

  • The Big Golden Guitar, Tamworth, NSW

    If the sound of the world’s largest guitar is music to your ears, you need to pluck up the courage to visit the prosperous city of Tamworth, in the north-west of New South Wales. There you’ll find the enormous Big Golden Guitar, which at 12 metres tall and weighing 500kg, was music to the ears of locals when he rocked into town back in 1988. Slim Dusty was on hand to unveil the large lad, in recognition of Tamworth’s reputation as Australia’s home of country music.

    Made from fibreglass and steel, the unreal ukelele sadly has no strings. He has, howebver, struck a chord with the more than four million admirers who’ve had their photo taken with him over the years. The wonder of the Big Golden Guitar is amplified by the fact he’s a scale replica of the trophies handed out at the annual Australian Country Music Awards.

    This big axe – not be confused with the actual Big Axe at Kew, four hours away – boasts exceptional build quality and is impressively large. My guest, Brazil’s foremost expert in Big Thingophelia, Professora Bebezinha Grande, went as far as to call it an in-strum-ental part of Australian culture. Don’t pick on her, she tries her best!

    Q: How can you tell the Big Golden Guitar is worried?
    A: He frets a lot.

    The incredible instrument is certainly not in the fiddle of nowhere. He’s conveniently located on the main road into Tamworth from the south, outside the Visitor Information Centre. When you drop by, make a day of it by visiting the Country Music Wax Museum or the National Guitar Museum. There’s even a sprawling souvenir shop, which offers a huge variety of nik-naks dedicated to this colossal creation.

    You might even run into Lee Kernaghan or one of Australia’s other country music icons at the on-site cafe! Honestly, these guys are lurking around all the time.

    “Bigs,” Lee Kernaghan gasped after taking my photo with the Guitar. “You’re the unsung hero of Australian pop culture. Please, take one of my Country Music Awards.”
    “Lee,” I replied, handing back the trophy he’d thrust into my hand. “I appreciate the gesture, but can’t accept this testament to your hard work and talent.”
    “Aw, go on. I’ve got 37 of the bloody things and the missus said I have to offload a few.”

    And that’s how I, Bigs Bardot, ended up with a Country Music Award and a lifetime friendship with Lee Kernaghan. I believe his latest album was inspired by the Big Chook.

    Tamworth makes a great bass from which to explore other Big Things, such as Manilla’s Big Fish, so if you can pull a few strings and spend a bit of time out there, you won’t be disappointed! In fact, after spending an afternoon with the legendary Big Golden Guitar, you’ll want to Epiphone your mates to tell them how good it is!