Tag: Oahu

  • The Big Marlin, Kahuku, Hawai’i

    The Big Marlin, Kahuku, Hawaii, United States of America

    Ohh Marlin
    My Marlin you’re so fine
    Ohhhh-hhh-hhh

    Don’t know if words can say
    But Marlin I want to play
    With you in the endless turquoise sea
    But it isn’t meant to be
    ‘Cos you’re a work of wooden art
    And in the ocean you will fall apart

    Oh Marlin’
    I dream about you often my pretty Marlin’
    (Marlin’ you’re so fine)
    I love the way you lure tourists into Ohana Island Creations
    Where they can buy wooden crustaceans

    I feel like half a man
    Next to you, because you’re so grand
    Your pointy beak thing is really rad
    Sexiest fish I ever had
    Gonna love you every single night
    Until your owners hide you outta sight

    Oh Marlin
    I dream about you often my pretty Marlin
    (Marlin you’re so fine)
    I love the way you’ve been painted purple and blue
    If I ever marry a sea creature it will be you

    Woah oh oh oh
    Every night Marlin
    Gonna love you every single night, as you wish
    What’s the difference between a marlin and a swordfish?

    Oh Marlin
    I dream about you often my pretty Marlin
    (Marlin you’re so fine)
    I love the feel of your wooden fins
    A kiss from you makes me forget all my sins

    Oh!

    Thanks to pop stalwarts The Beach Boys for inspiring this article with their ditty Darlin’. Of course, this may actually be a sailfish, but that doesn’t rhyme with any Beach Boys songs, so let’s just keep it as is.

  • The Storyteller, Waikiki, Hawai’i

    The Storyteller state, Waikiki, Hawaii

    Yes, the rumours are true! Your friend Bigs Bardot has been seen swanning around Waikiki in the arms of a larger lady.

    This big, beautiful woman represents the storytellers and traditional keepers of Hawaii’s rich, diverse, exotic culture. I’m Australia’s leading historian on giant bits of fruit and animals the size of houses, so it’s no wonder we got along!

    The Storyteller, also known as Ha’i Mo’olelo, was lovingly birthed by living treasure Shige Yamada. He’s the wunderkind responsible for the nearby Water Giver statue. After visiting both statues you should have experienced enough Polynesian culture to placate your guilt from lazing about by the pool drinking Mai Tais on their stolen land.

    Having never known my real mother and receiving only the basest physical contact as required by law from my litany of foster parents, it was enlightening – and also deeply distressing – to discover how safe and secure it feels to be clutched betwixt someone’s arms.

    Still, I fell madly in love with this giant Hawaiian woman – which I suppose makes me Polyamorous!

  • The Water Giver, Honolulu, Hawai’i

    The Gift of Water, Honolulu, Hawai'i

    Aloha, and greetings from the tropical wonderland of Hawai’i. Millions of people travel to this Pacific paradise for the golden beaches, bottomless drinks and topless women. But the most popular reason for visiting this alluring archipelago is the assortment of Big Things, with the Water Giver at the top of the list.

    Just look at his rippling muscles, square jaw and G-string that leaves little to the imagination. This hunky Hawai’ian surely has the Waikiki to your heart!

    Don’t be surprised if you fail to match with him on Tinder, though. Word has it this sensitive new age water giver has shacked up with the nearby Storyteller.

    Officially known as the Gift of Water, this fine fellow lives outside the Hawai’i Convention Center. He was created by local artist Shige Yamada in 1997 to say thank you to the native people of the area for being so generous to the many newcomers.

    Personally I feel like the natives would’ve preferred that their island paradise wasn’t trashed, polluted and overpopulated by foreigners in the first place. But I guess a huge statue of a semi-naked hunk with a bum that makes you say, ‘Oahu!’ is a pretty good consolation prize!