Little Bigs Bardot
Sat in a meadow
On a lovely Seattle day
There came a Big Spider,
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Bigs Bardot away
Seattle’s monumental Big Spider is a load of rubbish – and I mean that in the kindest way possible!
Your valiant reporter, the inimitable Bigs Bardot, was swaggering through the lively streets of Georgetown on my way to see Hat n’ Boots. Suddenly, shockingly, I was accosted by a terrifying creature. There, squatting upon one of the many well-maintained garages the area is famous for, was an arachnid of epic proportions.
The eight hairy legs! The dozens of beady eyes! The bloodthirsty fangs! The putrid beast clambered towards me, drool pouring from its monstrous maw. I squealed with panic and turned to run, only to find myself ensconced in the arms of a burly stranger.
“Relax,” he said calmly, “it’s not a real spider.”
“It’s…not?” I asked timidly, burying my face in the stranger’s shirt.
“No, it’s just an old Halloween prop I rescued from the trash.”
Who’s your Daddy Long Legs?
When I finally gathered the confidence to pluck myself from the Samaritan’s grip and take a closer look at the beastie, I realised he was right. The spider, despite being ferociously realistic and anatomically correct, wasn’t chasing me. He was nailed to the roof for the amusement of passersby.
This curious stranger sports an impish grin and a roguish disposition (the spider, that is, not the gentleman who owns him – although he is not without his rustic charms). A tsunami of lust washed over me, much as it did upon meeting this spider’s Aussie cousin, Itsy Bitsy. What can I say, I have a thing for creepy crawlies!
The spider’s owner went on to assure me that yes, he would be refurbishing the giant bug to return him to his former glory. There are even plans to turn the house into a horror attraction, thanks to dozens of other props he’s rescued over the years. He might even set up a website for the Spider.
Maybe they’ll have to rename the city ‘Se-aaaaagh it’s a spider-tle!
