Oh give me a home, where a Big Buffalo roams. Where a Big Lego Man and Big Ant like to plaaaaaaaaay. Well, pardner, it looks like your new home is Grand Junction, Colorado, a leafy oasis that’s just bursting with beautiful Bigs.
It’s right there in the name – they don’t call it Small Junction, after all!
Mosey on down the quirky main street, past the eccentric coffee shops selling kiln-roasted lattes, and you will stop, mesmerised, before a gleaming beast of epic proportions. This, my friend, is Chrome on the Range II, a 7ft-tall buffalo pieced together from shiny chrome bumper bars.
The chrome critter was crafted by Aspen artiste Lou Wille, as the centrepiece of the town’s Art on the Corner initiative. The United Bank, where he was to be placed, took the bull by the horns and tipped in $20,000, with enthusiastic locals matching that effort. He was installed in 1989.
‘Chromey’ stands as a monument to a nation in a state of flux. The untamed past collides with a corporate present. The wild west meets offbeat small-town charm. Brazen yet bashful, vulgar yet wistful, this artwork offers a nostalgic look at the beating heart of America.
As his name suggests, Chrome on the Range II was based on a similar attraction – known as Chrome on the Range I – located a few hours drive away at the John Denver Sanctuary. It’s a rare case where the sequel is even more incredible the original.
I do think, however, they missed a trick by not naming him Chrome on the Range II: Chrome Harder.
There’s No Place Like Chrome
With Chrome on the Range II inviting a higher calibre of tourist into town, Grand Junction evolved into a bohemian enclave. Sadly, like the buffalo that once roamed these pastures, these halcyon days of economic prosperity were driven away by the endless march of time.
A number of banks occupied the building behind Chromey, before the most recent said, “bye, son!” and abandoned it a couple of years ago. The Big, Shiny Buffalo, once an ode to the American dream, now serves as a melancholy meditation on economic and social decay.
But wipe away those tears, because this overgrown cow will stand proudly on the corner of Main and 4th for-heifer.
“Nobody needs to worry,” bellowed Sarah Dishong, project coordinator for Downtown Grand Junction, amid rising concern. “The buffalo has been here for decades and is a part of our permanent collection. The piece isn’t going anywhere.”
So grab a tumeric mocha and spend a moment beside this perfectly-polished buffalo. Look into his big, knowing eyes. Rub his bulbous head. Kiss his glossy, yet mournful, cheek. Sit, cross-legged beneath his learning tree, and allow the history of the United States to wash over you.
Of course, some ‘haters’ claim that Chromey doesn’t count as a Big, because he’s not much larger than a regular bison – but I say that’s a load of bull!
Prepare to be swept off your feet by this 40ft-tall dustpan and brush! Big Sweep brooms large over the Denver Art Museum’s quirky Frederic C. Hamilton Building, and was installed in 2006 in an attempt to tidy up the city.
Colourful and camp, Big Sweep offers a bizarre, even confronting, commentary on the banality of suburban life. With its eerily-realistic bristles and paper, one initially feels tiny in comparison. The crushing weight of domestic responsibility, it seems, has become too much to bear.
Stand beneath this huge utensil for a time, however, and the message transforms into one of hope. No matter how messy life becomes, our dreams shall always be large enough to clean up the calamity.
Failing that, just do what I did and pick up an undocumented immigrant to clear away your clutter. Gracias, Maria!
Crafted by Land of the Bigs regulars Claes Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen – who were on target with Cupid’s Span – Big Sweep was, apparently, inspired by the vast prairies and mountains of Colorado.
Although I’d argue it was inspired by the vast piles of garbage left by the hobos who inhabit the area. To avoid a brush with these miscreants, mop by to see Big Sweep during daylight hours.
The street urchins have little knowledge of, or respect for, this kitschy slice of Americana. Perhaps if they cleaned up their act, studying the history of the nation’s resplendent roadside attractions rather than huffing crushed-up painkillers out of discarded shoes, they’d have houses of their own to keep neat and tidy.
Now, please excuse me. Maria’s just whipped up some chilaquiles with her homemade salsa verde, and when I finish them I’ll have to make sure she scrubs the toilet properly. Honestly, a woman’s work is never done!
Drawing a blank on what to do this weekend? Are you locked and loaded for a Big that’ll make you go ballistic? Then it’s time to pull the trigger and shoot off to Sydney’s sprawling Hyde Park, where you’ll find seven big bullets of supreme size.
And you thought you’d have to venture into Sydney’s southwest to find a bunch of spent cartridges strewn around a local park!
Snappily titled YININMADYEMI: Thou didst let fall, this revolver-lutionary sculpture was created by Tony Albert, an indigenous artist who has many tricks in his arsenal. It celebrates the selfless contribution of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander service men and women, and can be found a few hundred metres from the famous Anzac Memorial. The whole precinct really is a barrel of fun!
But that’s not all there is to this story – not by a long shot! Tony was inspired by the experiences of his grandfather Eddie, a war hero who escaped a brutal German concentration camp. Now, let us rifle through this incredible tale.
The Magnificent Seven
“Using his agility and speed, Eddie escaped the prison grounds and crossed Germany’s southern border into Italy,” Tony elucidated. “In Biella, a town in the northwest of Italy that lies at the foothills of the Alps, he and six other escaped Australian soldiers took refuge in a remote farmhouse on the outskirts of the town. Early one morning in late April, Italian soldiers found Eddie and the other escapees hiding in the farmhouse.
“Captured again he found himself in the worst situation to date – the men were ordered to line up side by side to be shot one by one. After the execution of the three men before him there was a halt in gunfire.
“An Italian Officer-in-Charge ordered his men not to shoot. He identified the men as Allied soldiers and that they must be returned to Germany. Miraculously, Edward Albert and three of his companions survived the ordeal.”
A harrowing experience, to be sure, that has been vibrantly brought to life in The Big Bullets.
The battle, however, had only just began for Eddie. The tribulations he faced when he finally returned home provided ample ammunition for his grandson when he was planning this icon. I guess I should bite the bullet and tell you that dark part of this story.
War, huh, yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing… unless you’re a fan of the Bigs!
Even after giving the Nazis a good ol’ walloping, racism continued to ricochet throughout Australia. Alright, you may have already read about this in a magazine, but please, don’t shoot the messenger.
“When service men and women returned to Australia, they were given land for their service,” Tony explained. “However, not only was Eddie and his fellow Aboriginal soldiers not given any land, their land was still being taken away.
“Eddie and fellow Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander men and women defended our country, they were prepared to fall but upon returning, they were left to fall again – ‘yininmadyemi,’ thou didst let fall. I envisage this memorial in Hyde Park to be a special and powerful place for contemplation and remembrance, a space for all our stories to be heard and recognised.”
Emotionally confronting, thought-provoking and perched upon the precipice of a great cultural awakening, The Big Bullets are also super fun to take photos with. For this shoot I chose a modish army jacket that an acquaintance left at my house after a big night at a local dance club. I was also fortunate enough to have Grant, a luminary of the local homeless population, camped nearby to provide feedback on my poses and life choices.
So inspired by YININMADYEMI was I that, in a military lapse of reason, I marched straight over to the nearest Army boutique to enlist. Oh well, hopefully there are plenty of Big Things for me to visit in Mogadishu!
The Man on the Bike has been the heart and soul of the Tallebudgera Valley for more than four decades, and anyone who says otherwise is pedalling misinformation.
The dapper gentleman, complete with boater and bowtie, coasted into the Gold Coast in 1970 when the tandem of Cliff Douglas and shock jock Bob Rogers bought him from a ski school. I guess he could snow longer handle the cold winters.
And what a monument to the strength and temerity of the local population he’s proven to be! Perched proudly atop his vintage penny-farthing, the Man can be seen by all who approach the roundabout he watches over, many of whom circle several times to admire their hero, causing serious traffic congestion.
The locals had another larger-than-life legend to lolligag over the day that I, the inimitable Bigs Bardot, turned up to for this exclusive photo shoot. Wanting me to feel like part of the community, I was greeted to hearty calls of, “Get off the f***ing road!” and, “Die you lycra-wearing scum!” by passing drivers.
I’ve never felt so welcome in my life.
Feel the burn!
It’s been quite a ride for The Man on the Bike, with more ups and downs than a stage of the Tour de Mudgeeraba. Most notably, his admirers were left sui-cycle when, in 2014, a gang of unchained lunatics decided to be wheely mean by setting the Man alight.
The statue was burnt to the ground and Tallebudgerans – many of whom are re-tyre-ees – were forced to consult cycle-ologists to deal with the trauma. The wheels, however, were soon in motion to rebuild this bicycling bad boy.
Like Cadel Evans rising from the ashes during the penultimate stage of the 2011 Tour de France to gazump Andy Schleck on his way to becoming the oldest post-World War II winner of the iconic race (and the only one from Katherine), The Man on the Bike exhibited the determination and return from oblivion – with a little help from his support crew.
And so, it seems, that all roads in the valley lead towards the Man on the Bike and the pizza shop named in his honour. It’s not unusual to find lycra-clad bike-sexuals, legs shaved, helmets strapped firmly to heads despite the low probability of collisions, chowing down on the restaurant’s famous pepperoni pizzas.
I’m not sure what they cost, but it couldn’t be much more than a penny farthing.
Sixty-seven million years ago, when rivers ran red with molten magma, the towering tyrannosaurus traipsed across the bleeding badlands we now call Canada. Standing six-metres tall and with a head full of lancinating ivories, this terrifying thunder lizard tore all before her to shreds.
Well, it’s 2022, and the tyrannosaurus has evolved. Now seven-storeys tall and capable of gobbling dozens of bemused tourists at once, she towers over the streets of far-flung Drumheller and is one of the most celebrated Big Things on the planet.
The undulating curves and tortured ravines of central Canada remain a hellscape from another time. The red dirt heaves with the bones of long-extinct creatures, attracting budding palaeontologists in their thousands. But all of this lies, quite literally, in the shadow of Tyra.
This Jurassic jaw-dropper dominates Drumheller’s unassuming skyline, and can be seen from every corner of the town. At 26.3-metres tall, 46 metres from titanic tail to stately snout, and tipping the scales at a sensational 66 tonnes, it’s hard to appreciate just how massive Tyra is until visiting in person.
I was completely unprepared for how small and insignificant Tyra made me felt, and it took my brain a while to process the unreal spectacle before me. At first, she looks like an optical illusion, because she’s so out of proportion with her surroundings.
Tyra’s immense size is matched only by the quality of her construction. Incredibly lifelike, she seems poised to rip the passing tour buses apart at any moment. The World’s Largest Dinosaur was recently renovated, so her lifelike green and yellow hues really pop against the arid landscape. She’s the most gorgeous lizard you ever did ‘saur.
Honestly, I could never get Tyra’d of looking at Tyra!
Get on the floor…
October 13, 2001, was a big day for the good people of Drumheller. That’s when Tyra was officially introduced to a world that could scarcely believe her dimensions, and the town was put squarely on the Big Thing map alongside Barellan and Nadym. Her story, of course, began many years before that fateful moment.
The idea to build a thought-provoking theropod in the centre of town was floated by Cory Campbell, the former executive director for the Drumheller Regional Chamber of Development.
“The town was bringing 500,000 people a year, but a lot of them were just going to museums and leaving,” Cory whined. “It was a day trip for them. So we were trying to capitalise on that. The idea of a big dinosaur had been floating around the community for a while.”
“My thought was ‘Well, that’s a good idea, but it needs to be interactive, it can’t just be a statue, take a picture, leave. We need people to stick around,’” he chattered. “It’s a great success story for the community. And I’m hoping that our downtown core will continue to develop around it.”
It wasn’t until 20 years later that The World’s Largest Dinosaur, who previously presented as non-binary, was revealed as female She took on the name of world-renowned paleontologist/part-time model Tyra Banks, who is also a self-confessed Big Thing fanatic. Sadly Tyra was in Budapest for a high-profile meeting of the world’s greatest minds when I visited Drumheller, but she sent me her best wishes.
Everybody walk…
Tyra may be a proud Canadian, but her DNA is uniquely Australian. Queensland company Natureworks, the wunderkinds responsible for Ally the Alpaca, Frilly the Lizard, and the Big Koala Family, took on the mammoth task of building Tyra. As always, they created something magical, but the project remains a dino-sore point for the company’s Imagineering Director, David Joffe
Rather than relying on David’s experience and creativity to design the creature, the good people of Drumheller handed him a small toy dinosaur and told to blow it up to epic proportions
“I was appalled when told that, after much discussion, the client had approved this pathetic T-Rex toy-like model,” David lamented several years later in a tense-yet-illuminating interview, the shockwaves of which still ripple throughout Central Canada. “I was told to shut up and just make it bigger.”
Tyra was built in pieces in the Philippines, then shipped to Drumheller in a convoy of 10x40ft containers. The result, as you can see, is remarkable… but try telling Dave that!
“Over one million dollars later, the finished dinosaur is as sh***y as the original model,” he raged. “The finished photos don’t deserve the paper to be any bigger than a postage stamp. This is what happens when artists’ egos are not tempered by realists.”
It sounds like Drumheller’s leaders were so preoccupied with whether or not they could turn a tiny T-Rex toy into the World’s Largest Dinosaur, that they didn’t stop to think if they should!
The World’s Largest Dinosaur!
There is one Aussie who is hopelessly, unapologetically infatuated with Tyra, and that’s me, the inimitable Bigs Bardot. I respect and admire David Joffe more than any man on the planet, but believe he’s doing his work a disservice with his claims. Tyra is big, buxom and beautiful, and a must-see for any Big Thing fanatic.
It was a long and bumpy scooter ride from Calgary to Drumheller, but I found the desolate scenery breathtaking and enjoyed every rustic moment of it. Western Wayne and Squirt the Skunk provided welcome company but, as delicious as they are, they’re little more than appetisers for Tyra the Temptress.
Her size moved me to tears. Her elegance caused my stomach to flutter like a freshly-cooked bowl of poutine. Even my flirtations with Ploddy and Big Kev and Digby – some of the largest Bigs in existence – couldn’t prepare me for the emotions that crashed over me like the overripe waves of September.
Wanting nothing more than to be inside Tyra, I paid my $5 at the adjoining gift store and climbed gleefully into her bowels. One-hundred-and-six steps took me to the apex of the World’s Largest Dinosaur, and I climbed out of her gullet to gawp in wonder at the view of majestic Drumheller. It was one of the defining moments of my life.
Yes, Tyra can take hundreds of people in her mouth each hour without gagging, although she complain about having a bit of a ‘saur throat afterwards!
Ewww, who farted? It must’ve been Squirt the Skunk, but we’ll forgive him because he’s just soooo dang cute!
Chubby and cheerful, Squirt’s been stinkin’ up the Beseiker Municipal Campground since 1992. Clutching a bouquet of flowers in a futile attempt to mask his acrid stench, this bucktoothed beauty demands that visitors ‘have a nice spray!’
But how did a 13-foot skunk end up in this heavenly village? Apparently the locals wanted to boost tourism, and decided a skunk was the only answer. Beseiker’s mayor, the aptly-named Warren Wise, is only too happy to explain.
“Beiseker has a fairly high skunk population, and it was almost like a bit of a joke that got taken seriously,” the Wise Guy chattered. “Then they decided on it and it sort of became the official mascot.”
I suppose that makes scents, o Wise One!
After much public confabulation, the funds were raised to build a giant pungent varmint near the freeway. Few Beseikers will forget his coming out party, although some of the locals got a little skunk and disorderly.
Beseiker – which stands roughly halfway between Western Wayne and the World’s Largest Dinosaur – has gone berserk for Squirt, with T-shirts, caps and stickers on sale. There’s even a frighteningly-realistic Squirt costume that’s wheeled out for street parades and school fetes. My all-too-brief time within the ensemble, at the insistence of the tourism board, is something I shall never forget.
Tragically, not everyone has found room in their heart for this black-and-white delight.
“We’ve had some people in the village say, ‘Well, we shouldn’t be a skunk’, but it’s gone over pretty well, I think,” Warren Wise lamented. “It’s kind of locked in now.”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who doesn’t love Squirt can go to smell!
Do you really want to squirt me? Do you really want to make me cry?
As someone confined to the fringes of society due to my divisive peccadilloes, I was immediately drawn to Squirt. He’s a loner, too, cast asunder due to his unfortunate body odour and controversial political opinions.
Like myself, Squirt just wants to fit in, just wants to be loved. He wears a cherubic grin as he glances hopefully at the passing strangers, but inside his stout trunk churns an emotional tsunami that threatens to consume everything before him.
Still, Squirt stands there. Hopeful. Stoic. Clutching his garland of posies, forever hoping the world will look past his poor personal hygiene to see the kind, thoughtful skunk underneath.
Trust me, it’s not easy being the smelly kid.
In a sign of solidarity with my bosom friend, I befouled my trousers on that warm spring afternoon. You might call me a hero, but I’m mortal like the rest of you. I’d do anything to ensure that a Big Thing doesn’t know one moment of sadness.
Obviously pleased with my act of selflessness, I was mincing about for the cameras when a disgruntled maintenance worker stormed over. From a safe distance, he started to grill me.
“Bigs,” he spluttered, tears of emotion pouring from his eyes. “Did you defecate in your pants or somethin’, eh?”
Overripe with panic, I blamed Squirt for the spicy fragrance hanging heavy in the crisp Alberta air. The janitor, however, was not convinced.
“You know Squirt is made from fiberglass, eh?” he managed to spit out between gags, before turning the hose on me.
He might be the Hindu God of War, but Lord Murugan just wants to win the battle for your heart. This tall, dark and handsome gentleman is 42.7 metres from fetching feet to friendly forehead, and can be found in front of the world-renowned Batu Caves.
Murugan is the tallest statue of a Hindu deity in Malaysia, the third-tallest Hindu on Earth, and the biggest version of this particular God ever created. It took three years, 350 tonnes of steel, 1550 cubic metres of concrete, 300 litres of paint and a whole lotta love to have him looking so dapper.
Speaking of dapper, check out that baby-faced Bigs Bardot (complete with tough guy sunnies and Caribbean-inspired afro) standing with the Lord. Watch out, ladies, there’s a confirmed bachelor on the prowl!
Batu wait, there’s more!
Batu Caves are a sight to behold, rising nearly one hundred metres above the sprawling metropolis of Kuala Lumpur. This beautiful limestone grotto is 400 million years old, with 272 colourful steps sequestering visitors into the bowels of the mountain. There, ancient relics beckon, enchanting millions of Hindus each year.
Murugan was introduced to his throngs of admirers in January 2006 during the Thaipusam festival. Without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I was a guest of honour at his grand unveiling. The local Tamil people were intrigued by my unique relationship with Big Things, as well as my well-known religious zealotry, and had asked me to oversee the project. Of course I said, ‘ஆம்’!
There was talk of adding a giant statue of Bigs Bardot to the other side of the stairs – you know, just to even things up – but I’m a humble fellow and said ‘இல்லை’. Let Lord Murugan have his time in the spotlight.
This golden goliath isn’t likely to get lonely, because his best pri-mate, the monkey god Lord Hanuman, is gorill-y close by. Not planning a trip to Kuala Lumpur? If you’re passing by Mauritus, pop in to see the world’s biggest statue of the Hindu god Durga Maa. At 33 metres, she’s not as big as Murugan, but still Maa-ty large.
Honestly, I’m not sure what’s the most outrageous – the size of Lord Murugan, or the fact I allowed myself to be photographed in a beer singlet!
When I heard rumours of a giant bicycle rolling through the verdant hills of Lac d’Annecy, I contacted someone who knows a thing or two about riding around the Alps – former Tour de France champion Cadel Evans. ‘Cuddles’ is a self-confessed Big Thing tragic and became a professional cyclist to finance a trip to the Big Oyster, so he was only too happy to offer me a guided tour of Le Grand Vélo.
However, we had a fairly aggressive altercation regarding the correct meal pairing for a bottle of Vin de Paille, so Cadel took his bike and went home. It’s a long ride back to Katherine, Cuddles!
The joke was on me, though, because his replacement was the improbably-named Jean-Claude Van Ham, a journeyman cyclist whose greatest achievement was crashing into a horse during the second stage of the 1996 Tour.
Despite this complete lack of success during his cycling career, Jean-Claude wouldn’t stop complaining about how he could have won Le Tour if it wasn’t for Neil Armstrong and his steroids. Jean-Claude’s soupe à l’oignon was too cold? Blame it on Neil. Jean-Claude’s mistress wasn’t answering his calls? She must be off with Neil, of course.
There we were, admiring Le Gros Vélo as Mont Blanc reached for the sky above us, and Jean-Claude wouldn’t stop talking about Neil bloomin’ Armstrong. Everything was ‘Neil this’ and ‘Neil that’ and ‘Neil sent me into a deep depression from which there is no escape’. It was really putting a dampener on my day.
I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle, bicycle
“Honestly, Jean-Claude, give it a rest,” I finally snapped. “You live in the most beautiful place on Earth. You’re an extremely handsome man with a robust physique and deep blue eyes that one can’t help drowning within. Your calves are more like full-grown Blonde d’Aquitaine cows. And you have this delightful Big Thing, carved from the finest French timber, to marvel at every day. Are you even aware that it was constructed for the 10th stage of the 2018 Tour de France, which circumnavigated this very lake?
“Sure, you lost a bike race – big deal, it happens. I lost Celebrity Big Brother 2014 to Meshel Laurie and you don’t see me crying about it all the time. I’m Australia’s darling, the inimitable Bigs Bardot, and this busy-body abused the power of social media to pluck victory from my well-manicured hands. Sure, I went on to win Celebrity Splash later that year. But the ratings were modest at best, and the rest of the cast largely forgettable.
“I have my own Neil Armstrong, Jean-Claude, and her name is Meshel Laurie.”
I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle (c’mon), bicycle
“Oui, oui, you are correct,” Jean-Claude replied, turning his head in a futile attempt to hide the tears in his deep blue eyes. “You did deserve to win Celebrity Big Brother 2014. Meshel Laurie’s manipulation of the voting system was both, how you say? Egregious and indicative of the lack of government regulation of reality television voting processes in Australia. I have thrown away my life chasing the ghosts of my past, when I should be here admiring the Big Bicycle. Monsieur Bigs, how can I ever make it up to you?”
“Just pretend to ride the bike with me for a photo, Jean-Claude. It’s the least you can do. And then you can pedal off and get your life together.”
“Ah, la vache! It is fortunate you do not actually want to ride this bicycle,” sniffed Jean-Claude as the camera snapped, “because it wooden start!” “Mon ami,” I said as I embraced Jean-Claude warmly, “that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all day. Let’s go get some reblochon and watch a Gérard Depardieu movie!”
Jean-Claude proved to be the perfect guest, expertly pairing a spirited and honey-kissed 2011 Domaine Pignier Côtes du Jura Vin de Paille with a decadent slice of crème brûlée as we thrilled to the cinematic delights of Cyrano de Bergerac. After a tearful goodbye, Jean-Claude dragged himself atop his bicycle and proceeded to ride it straight into the nearest horse. Old habits die hard, I guess.
With his hen-dsome looks, im-peck-able dress sense and cocky attitude, it’s no wonder Charlie the Chicken is a real coop-erstar in Newcastle. He’s been the spokeschicken for Charlestown Toyota for decades and his admirers flock to see him.
Yes, this ravishing rooster really is something to crow about.
Charlie’s no one-chick pony, because his googly eyes also move around. Well, they’re meant to – sadly his peepers were broken when I showed up. With any cluck they’ll be fixed soon.
Charlie’s exactly the sort of feather figure I’ve been searching for, so I put on my most el-egg-ant outfit and strutted over to recite him some poultry. I was hoping he’d mistake me for his son, but he wasn’t laid yesterday.
Maybe he thought I was yolking, because Charlie refused to beak to me. Ah well, you can’t wing ’em all. He’s probably jealous that I’ve been seen with another chook. Cheer up, Charlie, maybe you can get together with Chickaletta?
I’m certainly not the only one inspired by this ravishing rooster. Ossie the Mossie, who lives in nearby Hexham, was based on Charlie’s design and is also super cute.
Tragically, Charlie met with fowl play in 2012, when some troubled youths smashed one of his eye sockets in. The off-hen-ders, sadly, were never held accountable.
I’m as progressive as they come, but believe in an eye for an eye when it comes to violence against Bigs. When I find those responsible – and I can assure you I will – they’ll be in worse shape than a Henny Penny toilet bowl. Thugs of southern Newcastle, you have been warned.
Call me Bigs Bardot. Some weeks ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no money in my Dolce & Gabbana clutch purse, and nothing particular to interest me on Netflix during those dark days between the final episode of Squid Game and the premiere of Tiger King 2, I thought I would ride my super-cute carnation pink Vespa about a little and see some oversized roadside attractions.
It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation, but mainly it’s just totally fun to hang out with giant bugs and huge bits of fruit and stuff like that.
There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair through the Land of the Bigs when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke. And so it felt when, as I sauntered along the waterfront in Nelson Bay, I happened upon a tiny alien silhouetted against the endless ocean.
He did not feel the wind, or smell the salt air. He only stood, staring at the horizon, with the marks of some inner crucifixion and woe deep in his face. He was also wearing the most adorable knitted cardigan!
Anyway, long story short, Captain Gordon had spent most of his life searching for a great white whale. It consumed him, and he couldn’t eat or sleep until he found this massive mammal. The little alien seemed to be able to drink, though, because he was slurring his words and alternating between throwing punches and trying to kiss me.
“Gordon,” I told him, clutching his furry hand. “Your life’s journey has come to an end, because the Shoal Bay Whale is just up the road. We can even get some jalapeño poppers on the way.”
“Bigs,” he spouted, “The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run.”
“So that’s a no to the jalapeño poppers, then?”
The early bird gets the sperm whale
It’s not easy doubling a boozed-up Melmacian on a Vespa, especially when everything was ‘Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents’ beds, unerringly I rush’ this and ‘Talk not to me of blasphemy, man; I’d strike the sun if it insulted me’ that. We were going to see a massive marine creature, so I didn’t get the porpoise of his ramblings.
Fortunately, after passing The Big Red Bug and Bakker’s Big Peach, we soon arrived at the Whale. I was immediately smitten by his roguish good looks and cheeky smile. He’s built onto a trailer, meaning this oversized fish can splash around wherever he wants to.
It was all a bit much for Gordon, though. The Nelson Bay Whale swam before him as the monomaniac incarnation of all those malicious agencies which some furry little aliens feel eating in them, till they are left living on with half a heart and half a lung. Or something like that.
Gordon piled upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole alien species; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart’s shell upon it. It was a clear breach of the ‘Do Not Climb’ sign.
“To the last I grapple with thee,” Gordon whaled. “From hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.” The poor little fella had obviously had too much excitement for one day, so I popped him on the Vespa and, thankfully, he fell asleep on the way home.
The next morning Gordon had forgotten all about his desperate search for the white whale and had decided his newest lifelong obsession was to see the Big Apple Pie. Yes, it’s quite a story, and I only am escaped alone to tell thee about the extraordinary Moby Big.
The Big Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And I’m like, it’s bigger than yours Dang right, it’s bigger than yours Can’t drink it, ‘cos it’s just too large
There’s no use crying over spilt milkshake, because this dairly-loved Big Thing is a real cream-boat! O Milkshake Grande lives in front of the Damay Cafe in the seaside resort town of Piçarras, and is just begging for a curdle. If you’d like to choc him out, you won’t want to skim read this entry!
He’s tucked away behind some sort of Roman pillar, slow down or he’ll zip pasteurise in a second. Fortunately The Big Milkshake won’t be going anywhere soon. He can’t exactly walk away, because milkshakes lactose.
The cafe he promotes offers a delicioso range of bolos, lanches e burguers. Muito bom! Oh, desculpe… I mean, sorry. Seems I slipped back into days as a big, bad Brazilian beach boy. I went by the name of Rodrigo and spent my days selling caipirinhas on the streets and my nights learning the forbidden dance known as Forró.
I was even able to convince one of the baristas, Bruna, to pose for a photo with me. Unfortunately, due to the language barrier she believed this to be a marriage proposal. My efforts to explain that I had eyes only for the Milkshake fell on deaf ears.
As members of her family descended upon the cafe with dowries of sheep and other livestock, I pretended to see soccer star Pele drinking in a bar across the road, and and escaped as the family raced over to mob him. I hope the experience didn’t sour Bruna on milk-based products for life.
Dashing out of the frying pan and into our hearts, please receber the wacky and charismatic Massive Portuguese Cuttlefish! Or Choco Frigideira, to give him his formal name. The stunning seaside citadel of Setubal is synonymous with choco frito – that’s fried cuttlefish to you and I – and this mesmerising mollusc is the most scrumptious item on the menu.
Choco’s just so much fun and happy to have his photo taken. He’s very affectionate, and really more of a cuddlefish.
Whilst Choco is certainly unique, he’s not one-of-a-kind. There are two versions at either end town, showcasing his monumental range of emotions. The frantic pan-escaper lives on the western fringe of Setubal, near the Arrábida beaches. The seated, paranoid version – Choco Pessoa – is waiting for you a few kilometres east.
Poor ol’ Choco has reason to be afraid, though, because the locals spend the majority of their time guzzling cuttlefish. Honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t see some little Portuguese men trying to lick his paint off.
Both Chocos were created by artista Zé Nova, and inspired by an art installation at Café A Brasileira in Lisbon. That one features a man who, despite being handsome, is not a cuttlefish. So who cares about it?
What about the choco frito, which is available at every restaurant in Setubal? I indulged in this savoury treat numerous time, and thoroughly enjoyed it. Paired with a plate of batata frita, a cheeky glass of Vinho Verde and some sprightly conversation, it makes for a wonderful evening. I did have to lower my eyes each time I walked past Choco, though!
This cuttle may not be subtle, but. Ready, Setubal, go!
With a sassy attitude, girl-next-door good looks and legion of rabid fans, Aranha Grande is fast becoming the most popular arthropop-star in the Americas. The leggy luminary has wowed the New World with hit songs such as God is a Spider, Dangerous Spider, 34+35=Spider and Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I’m A Spider.
Not a whole lot of variety, sure, but pretty good for an overgrown arachnid.
Residing within Beto Carrero World, the largest fun park in South America and most popular tourist attraction in Southern Brasil, Ms Grande is far from the only Big Thing in Penha. A giant gorilla, sizeable snake and colossal cowboy hat (with boots!) are also on display in the park. O Milkshake Grande is nearby, too, if you’re thirsty for more Bigs.
Forever on the cutting edge of fashion, this diva is know to change her look regularly. Until recently she presented herself as a jet-black tarantula, but now sports a trendy orange tinge. I guess she orders her outfits on the World Wide Web.
Recently the paparazzi have snapped her with a rugged country boy from the Aussie outback. No, not me, the incomparable Itsy Bitsy. Honestly, please stop spidering on them. They deserve their privacy!
Apparently many visitors to the park mistake Aranha for a similarly-named human pop star, and are disappointed to find an enormous eight-legged freak rather than a diminutive American starlet. Oh well, let me know when that other famous Grande can catch and devour a mouse!
This extra-large lizard might be cold-blooded, but he’ll warm your heart! La Iguana Grande lives in front of a mini-market a few ki-monitors outside the delightful village of Puerto Viejo, where the tequila sunrises and turquoise sunsets seem to last forever.
Known as Iguana Azalea to the locals due her dream of being a rap-tile singer, this big bopper really is one in chameleon. The Iguana is wonderfully detailed and surprisingly well-built for such a remote Big Thing. Many of the villagers bow before him before entering the shop and after exiting. So if you ig-wanna fit in, you should do the same. Oh, I skink I’m in love!
La Iguana Grande may be a cool Caribbean creature, but please beware! He has a rather prickly personality, so make sure you say please-ard before asking for a photo.
Puerto Viejo is an ocean paradise that draws in travellers and wanderers from all corners of the globe. They don’t all come for the Iguana, of course. There are bamboo bars full of Latin dancers, long coastal bike tracks, and golden beaches crawling with sloths. I spent several months learning the forbidden dance of the bachata, and learning to accept myself. It’s Puerto-tally awesome!
Oh, you want more-itius Big Things from around the world? Here’s a really stat-huge one hidden within the gorgeous Black River Gorges National Park, on the island paradise of Mauritius!
The world’s biggest statue of Hindu goddess Durga took six years to complete and lives above the pristine Grand Bassin crater-lake. As the official Big Thing consultant to the Mauritian Government, I oversaw the closing stages of construction in 2017. As you can see, Durga’s beauty radiated through all those metal poles. Thankfully, there’s nothing scaffolding her back now!
The 33-metre icon was unveiled later that year to much fanfare. Thousands of Hindus and Hin-don’ts joined together for a multi-day celebration of this a-Maa-zing sculpture. Some were there for religious reasons, but I assume most were Big Thing fanatics there for a Ghandi. Sorry, I mean a gander!
Weighing in at a svelte 400 tonnes, Durga Maa is accompanied by a handsome lion to symbolise her courage. Mangal Mahadev, a similarly-sized statue of Shiva, is Bigging it up just a short stroll away. There are also a number of other enormous effigies of gods lurking around the park.
These Hindu figures are in the middle of nowhere, so you might want to hire a rental karma for the trip. And don’t worry, whilst Durga is obviously armed, she’s not dangerous!
If this big guy was any happier, we’d have to call him a smile-adon! As the fearless guardian of the remote town of Puerto Natales, The Big Mylodon has taken over a round-a-bout near the waterfront. Just follow your extincts to find him.
Mylodons swaggered across Patagonia’s frozen tundra 10,000 years ago. They didn’t swagger too quickly, though, because they were basically giant sloths with kangaroo tails. Twice as tall as a human, they were covered in delightfully shaggy hair to cope with the rather Chile weather. Just look at this big guy – he’s like a young, foppish Hugh Grant!
A lovely chap named Hermann Eberhard discovered the remains of a mylodon near Puerto Natales in 1895. Human skeletons, along with bits and bobs from other prehistoric creatures, were also found. A smaller version of this statue lives in this cave, which is 15 miles-odons north of town. Don’t be slothful, because there’s nothing wrong with caving in to your desires to head out there.
Puerto Natales is best known nowadays for the nearby Torres del Paine National Park. It’s home to glaciers, icebergs and some wonderful hiking trails for the adventurous. I enjoyed a multi-day stroll with some like-minded nature lovers, and it certainly wasn’t a Paine in the bum!
Set your alarm clock, because they’re best seen at mylo-dawn!
Darwin’s one of the best cities to have a BIG adventure, with all sorts of giant animals to meet! Those willing to brave the heat can find a frightening fish, a charismatic turtle, and one of the biggest dinosaurs to ever roam the Earth. Follow this delightful guide to Australia’s northern capital, and your next holiday to the Territory is sure to be a Dar-winner!
The Big Frogs
Roll out the red carpet, because we’re in the company of some Hollywood bad boys… Ribbet Redford and Dennis Hopper! The amphibian actors squat out the front of the Ramada Suites, which is just a hop, skip and jump from Darwin’s waterfront. They’re a tad-pole bit rundown, but it would be lilly not to go see them!
Although he may seem shy at first, Colin’s a turtle-y dude once he comes out of his shell. Col’s happy chilling in a quiet corner of the Garamanak Park, which is next to a community centre. He really has tortoise all how to love!
Floating menacingly along the waterfront at the entrance to Darwin’s sprawling East Point Reserve, bloodthirsty blubbers are actually very approachable and fun to play around with. The deadly duo form an art installation entitled Intertwined, which was brought to life by local artiste Aly de Groot in 2014. Why not have a picnic with them – don’t forget a bluebottle of wine!
Wanguri schoolkids all know the three Rs – reading, ‘riting, and really big fish! They’re fortunate enough to have this behemoth barra swimming around their a-cod-amy, and she’s a valuable member of the educ-ocean-al community!
Being located within the grounds of Wanguri Primary School means she can only be admired through an imposing fence. But lose that sinking feeling, because she’s fairly close the the barra-cade and assures me she’s happy with her home.
You won’t need to stay up late to see this oversized owl and I’m talon you, be prepared to fowl in love! Say hello to Chinute Chinute, who’s so nice they named her twice! She’s 1.8 metres tall, is perched in front of the Northern Territory Supreme Court, and is a real hoot to hang out with!
If alcoholics see pink elephants, then those who prefer the intoxicating allure of Big Things must see pink buffalos! To spend a right good time with Lefty, buffalo your instincts to the delightful Travans Cars & Commercials. There you can have your photo taken with a giant roadside attraction and buy a second-hand Toyota Hilux in the same afternoon.
Gorgeous George isn’t just one of the newest and cutest Big Things in Darwin, he’s also one of the largest. He measures 10 metres from handsome head to tantalising tail, so he’s the apex predator at the Darwin Botanic Gardens. He’s also lots of fun to ride – surf’s up, dude!
There’s only one place where you can snap up a sensibly-priced socket set, swallow a scrumptious sausage sandwich, and sequester yourself back 65 million years to the age of the sauropods – and that’s Bunnings Palmerston. It’s home to Big Kev the brachiosaurus and trust me, he’s excited!
Big Things are a super-sized slice of Sunshine Coast tourism, with holidaymakers thrilling to the delights of the Big Shell and Big Pelican. There are plenty of roadside attractions within a short drive of the tourist hotspot of Noosa, and they’ll put a giant smile on your face!
Read this definitive guide to Sunshine Coast Big Things and see if you can visit them (Big) Pineap-all!
The Big Shell, Tewantin
Even though this three-metre-tall beauty recently shell-ebrated her 60th birthday, she’s still a must-sea attraction! The Big Shell is well-hidden in a quiet, leafy residential street, making for a very different Big experience. It feels a bit weird to pose for photos in a stranger’s front yard, but from all reports the owners are welcoming to any Big Thing enthusiasts who wash up on their doorstep. If you see them, give ’em a wave!
Next time you spread your wings and visit the Sunshine Coast, make a splash landing at Pelican Boat Hire, home of the Big Pelican! The overgrown chicken is known to his legion of admirers as Pete, and boasts an un-beak-lievable backstory. After all, how many other Big Things have spent time at the bottom of the ocean?
With his striking looks and worldwide fame, the Big Pineapple is a rock star of the Big Thing universe! The 16-metre-tall fruit has a pleasing pineapple museum in his belly and a viewing platform from which to look out over the nearby Big Macadamia and the thrilling Nutmobile ride. You’ll have a pine time there!
You’ll be head over heels and staring in childish wonder at this eight-tonne toddler! The big baby loves tumbling outside the Sunshine Coast Health Precinct, and you’ll be feeling healthier than ever after a visit!
Matilda, Kybong
Tilly bounced her way into our hearts during the 1982 Commonwealth Games, taking centre stage at the opening ceremony. The cute kangaroo flirted with the crowd, winking her long lashes as a forklift flittered her around the track. These days Tilly’s just as beautiful as ever and is in a great location for photos and hugs, after recently bounding along to the new Traviston mega service station.
Tidying up the backyard is never fun, but you’ll have a cutting good time with this mega mower! You can find him at the appropriately-named Big Mower shop, where you can pick up a whipper-snipper after snapping a photo!
Australia is famous for its hundreds of Big Things and roadside attractions, but you won’t find any as un-beak-lievable as these! From the Big Pelican to the Big Penguin, if it squawks it’s in here!
Chinute Chinute the Big Owl, Darwin, Northern Territory
Without feather ado, I’d like to in-duck-t this oversized owl – and I’m talon you, be prepared to fowl in love! Say hello to Chinute Chinute, who’s so nice they named her twice! She’s 1.8 metres tall, lives in front of the Northern Territory Supreme Court, and is a real hoot to hang out with!
Everybody’s heard about this bird, which isn’t surprising because Stanley’s 18 metres tall and one of the nest-looking Big Things around. Yes, he’s aviary nice chap indeed!
The elegant emu was lovingly crafted by local artist John Murray out of old VW Beetle bonnets and doors. This gem took up residence on the outskirts of the opal-mining village of Lightning Ridge in 2013, but he was o-Ridge-inally destined, quite appropriately, for Birdsville.
You need to ‘Kurri’ along and see this winged wonder, and that’s no laughing matter!
The king-sized kingfisher landed in 2009, stands a regal 4.5-metres tall, and was built to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the nearby Hydro Aluminium smelter. As you can see from the photos, he’s absolutely beautiful, and local artist Chris Fussel obviously put a lot of love and care into his work.
Next time you spread your wings and visit the Big hotspot of the Sunshine Coast, make a splash landing in the seaside resort town of Noosaville, home of the Big Pelican! The overgrown chicken – known to his legion of admirers as Pete – boasts an un-beak-lievable backstory – after all, how many other Big Things have spent time at the bottom of the ocean?
What’s chookin’, good lookin’? This king-sized cockerel is worth crowing about, and you’ll have egg on your face if you don’t chick him out! It’s not possible to cuddle the ravishing rooster because he’s behind a chicken-wire fence, but he’s available a happy snap. Just look at the two of us strutting around together, we really are poultry in motion!
This 3.15m-tall Taswegian is very cool indeed, and represents everything good and wondrous about Australia’s Big Things. He’s beautifully crafted, represents his region well, and demands to have his photo taken. Visitors can’t help but feel good around him – he’s a true national treasure!
Australia is famous for its big crocodiles, but you won’t find any larger than these six! These Big Things are fun to find on road trips and are sure to put a smile on your ‘dile. From the swamps of Darwin to the mountains of northern Sydney, these Big Crocodiles won’t eat you, because they just want to meet you!
The Big Boxing Crocodile, Humpty Doo, Northern Territory
Weighing in at seven tonnes and standing six metres tall, this croc’s the undisputed leather-weight champion of the world! This Big Thing lives outside the United service station and is perfectly positioned for a photo. Because of this, you could even say he’s a real knockout!
The Giant Jumping Crocodile, Wak Wak, Northern Territory
This snappy chappy has long been the mascot of the Original Adelaide River Queen Jumping Crocodile Cruises. He’s 4.5-metres-tall (including his tail), so his size will have you jumping for joy. They say you should never smile at a crocodile, but I challenge you to look at him without croc-ing a grin!
Daryl Somersby the Crocodile, Somersby, New South Wales
Five-metre-long Daryl is a very shy Big Thing, so he lives inside the front entrance to the Australian Reptile Park. He’s there every day – not just Hey, Hey it’s Saturdays – and can be found just metres from another cold-blooded cutie, Frilly the Lizard.
George the Big Crocodile, Darwin, Northern Territory
Gorgeous George isn’t just one of the best-looking Big Crocodiles, he’s also one of the largest. He measures 10 metres from handsome head to tantalising tail, so he’s the apex predator at the Darwin Botanic Gardens. He’s also lots of fun to ride – surf’s up, dude!
A short stroll from the Giant Jumping Crocodile is another Big Thing named Keith. And as you can see, Keith has teeth! He’s around 10 metres long, making him the largest croc in Wak Wak, but there is a bigger lizard just down the road…
At 250 metres long and 30 metres wide, this leviathan has earned a reptile-tation as the most massive Big Crocodile in this sunburnt country. You can even spend the night inside him, or enjoy a crocodile-icious meal at one of the restaurants inside his belly.
Queenslanders love guzzling icy cold XXXX beer almost as much as they adore their Big Things, so Koumala is like honey to the bee for those up north! The colossal can stands like a beacon outside the well-presented Koumala Hotel, luring in travellers from the Bruce Highway for a cool drink and a bite to eat from the expansive bistro menu.
The titanic tinnie is actually a water tank, and when I visited he was peeking out from behind a thorny thicket. Hopefully his owners cut back the foliage soon, or we’ll beer-ly be able to see him!
Worshipping a three-metre-high can is thirsty work, so I popped into the pub for a refreshing beverage. There’s a large crocodile above the front door and the interior is quirky, with a charming retro aesthetic.
I’m not a beer drinker, and not a huge fan of Bundaberg Rum, so I ordered my paramour – an appletini with a delicate twist of fuchsia grapefruit – from the gruff bartender. After barely escaping a severe beating, I dashed off to nearby Sarina to collapse safely in the bosom of my good friend, Buffy the Big Cane Toad.
I hope I can see my big, yellow alcoholic friend again one day!
From Beer To Eternity
Fancy binge-drinking on Big Cans? Then head over to the desert outside Las Vegas, home to Claim Your Destiny. Also built from an old water tank, this aluminium artwork is even larger than Koumala’s colossus. Just don’t tell the Queenslanders I said something nice about American beer – they’ll ban me from ever coming back!
For a bloomin’ great time in the Garden City of Toowoomba, visit Picnic Point to see the Big Sunflowers. The popular petal-heads have plenty of pollen power, with piles of plant-o-philes posy-ing for a picture.
The bud-dies sprouted in 2012 as a tribute to the people of the city, the local schools, the Lions Club, and Toowoomba legend Ian Orford. I’m sure there were half-a-dozen other worthy causes the designers wanted to thank, but there wasn’t enough room on the sign.
Whilst my heart will forever belong to the mystical, captivating, and sweetly-scented Miss Bateman clematis (the subdued pastel hues make my soul mourn for a simpler time), my appreciation for sunflowers really blossomed after meeting these lovely ladies. I had a similar reaction to the Big Poppies when they arrived in Gosford shortly afterwards.
Despite content with having each other for company, these delightful daisies were very excited when the Big Cow moved into the neighbourhood in 2020. In fact, you could say they were over the moo-n!
Garden me for repeating myself, but these girls really are sun-thing special!
